Anxious For Krishna

How to be anxious for Krishna. That has been going through my head all day today. Ever since this morning. I don't know how that came into my head.  Only Krishna knows since He knows everything.

There are many examples on how to be anxious for Krishna. But the stories are a bit tricky to understand. One cannot imatate the pure devotee only try to follow in Their footsteps. So how to do that is the question. I have also been told that one should be careful on what you ask for. Because Krishna has the power to put us in a dangerous situation to force us to become anxious for Him. But at the same time if we remember Krishna, no harm would come to us. It takes a lot of faith to believe in that.

For example Queen Kunti and her sons were put in a dangerous situation. Being tortured by the Kurus she felt she were in the midst of tigers. She anxious prayed to Krishna as if He were right there in front of  her for protection. She had to wait patiently. Krishna responds to His pure devotees on how much love the have for Him.

Then there is Lord Chaitanya. He was always anxious for Krishna. He chanted Lord Krishna's Holy names with great ectatsy, even fainted when He saw Krishna in the temple. He refused to wake until someone had chanted Krishna's Holy Names. Even as a child He had cried and cried and wouldn't stop until the Gopis had chanted Krishna's Holy Names.

When the Gopis saw Krishna leaving for Mathura they became anxious for Him. They did not want Him to leave. So they tried holding back the chariot, and with tears in their eyes they begged Krishna not to go. And also another time when Krishna had disappeared from them, they all became anxious for Krishna, they couldn't even live without seeing Him personally.

So how to follow their examples is the main question. When will I be able to have those feelings for Krishna? Maybe I am too materially contaminated to have these feelings for Krishna and I feel terrible about that. I hope maybe one day Krishna will allow me to have these special feelings for Him. I know when I visit my family I can't bear being without Krishna. I have to have a picture of Him at least with me at all times. So I guess that is a start. If I am not in a temple, I'd definately feel the separation from Krishna. I went through it for three weeks back in march when I was visiting family. I missed going to Mangal Aarti seeing Krishna every morning. I'll just have to keep that in my head to start having those feelings for Krishna.

Sunday's Program 7/24/11

Sunday's program was very nice. I had enjoyed it. I had spent the morning doing my services in the kitchen, and then took a little rest after lunch. I did some reading and a little chanting while waiting for the evening program. It was pretty quiet for most of the day. I had gone to the 12 noon Aarti to listen to the kirtan and take darshan of my favorite Deities Radha Ksiracora Gopinatha. I had felt blissful because Krishna had allowed me to make a Tulasi garland for Him. It was small and it was put onto His flute. He is so merciful to a fallen soul like me. I am only trying to please Him the best I can. I have read that trying to please Krishna isn't easy.

The rest of the afternoon sped by quickly and quietly. Guests started arriving around 5pm. I went upstairs to bring Tulasi downstairs. We do Tulasi puja in the evenings on Sundays. That makes me happy to see that. One of the matajis had asked me to do Tulasi Aarti for the program. I was honored to do that. Normally someone else does Tulasi Aarti on Sunday evenings, but I looked at it as maybe Tulasi wanted me to do puja for Her. Not sure why She chose me because Im no where near qualified to do this service for Her. But nontheless, I felt blissful doing Aarti for Her.

At 6pm there was a very nice kirtan. I had recorded it on audio and video. I went upstairs to the balcony to record the Aarti. I still got a pretty good view. I still need to work on trying to video record without shaking the camera so much. It's hard with a tiny camera. As I went back downstairs after the Aarti, I saw Gunagrahi Swami Maharaj in Prabhupada's room chanting. He saw me and smiled at me from a distance. He remembered me the last time I was here in Januarary. He reminds me of my own guru Maharaj so much. He is my other favorite guru Maharaj other than my own. My face had lit up when I saw Gunagrahi Swami Maharaj.

At 6:45pm, Gunagrahi Swami Maharaj gave a very nice class. I cannot go into details with it as he requested me to wait to post it until later so I will respect his wishes. But his class was nice and he gave a nice bhajan at the end. He played his unique instrument, I think it's called a bellfry. He often carries unique musical instruments I've been told. To me it seems like all guru Maharaj have their little trademark or uniqueness about them. I grew very fond of Gunagrahi Swami since he's been visiting Toronto. After his class I had the opportunity to speak with him for a few minutes. He was very happy to see me back in Toronto. I had asked him if he visits the Los Angeles Temple and he says he does. So now if I do move to the Los Angeles temple, I have something to look forward to. I will never forget the last time Gunagrahi Swami visited Toronto for the first time and he put a flower garland around me. That's how I started to grow very fond of him and a bit attached to him as well even though he isn't my guru. But it was so awesome to see him again. I heard he is coming back to Toronto August 11th. I cannot wait to see him again. After the last aarti I went to offer my obeisances to Gunagrahi Swami Maharaj. He said again he was happy to see me back in Toronto, and he even joked around with me a bit too because I said "please forgive me if I had committed any offenses." And he just joked around with me like my own guru Maharaj does too! Their personalities are so much alike. I love it. I thanked Maharaj for helping me ease the pain of separation from my own guru Maharaj since my guru Maharaj is away for a month on a Youth Bus tour of North America.

And before I went to bed last night, Mother Subhuddhi had a bunch of small Tulasis that she wanted me to bring upstairs to help take care of. Seems like Tulasi always wants me to do some type of service for Her. And I love it. I'm also helping to take care of 8 baby Tulasi plants from the gift shop so that She doesn't wither up and die. I had found her in the gift shop the one day in the windowsill and she was severely wilted so I took Her upstairs and gave Her water and have been taking care of Her since. She is doing extremely well now which makes me very happy to see.

Over all Sunday was very very nice. I hope This coming Sunday's program will be just as nice. I wonder who will be giving class this Sunday. I should check out Toronto's blog site to find out if is posted.

Lord Krishna's Blackish Form

Okay somebody tell me why Im hooked onto Krishna's blackish form? Ever since I came back to Toronto I've just felt like I've been crazy for Krishna in His blackish Deity form. Maybe it's Krishna's way of revealing Himself to me somehow and also just to get me even more attracted to Him. That is what He wants after all is for us to become attracted to Him. Whatever Krishna is doing to me He's doing a good job of it as His form of Sri Sri Radha Ksiracora Gopinatha. As for Maya she can go chase herself up a tree! Leave me alone maya I want to meditate on Krishna in His beautiful blackish form!

Yesterday I was talking on the phone with my close friend and senior disciple of Srila Prabhupada, Mother Sudevi about Krishna's blackish form. We both agree that we like Lord Krishna when He is in His blackish form as a Deity. I believe it is because we can see Lord Krishna's beautiful features so  much more easier in His blackish form than white. I think Lord Krishna really stands out more in His blackish form. I mean what is there NOT to love about Krishna? Yes Krishna is real. He is God Himself. Krishna means "All attractive" and God is all attractive.

This morning during Mangal Aarti I always see a sweet smile on Krishna's Lotus Face. I usually stand very close to the altar and sometimes I forget about myself, just lost in thought about how pretty Krishna is when He is standing right there present before all of us. It makes one feel very fortunate to be in His presence. The one Sunday when the pujaris dressed Lord Krishna, I nearly melted to the floor in a puddle because He looked so beautiful. He was wearing a blue and white outfit which really set off His blackish color! Krishna actaully, made me totally forget about everything that I used to like in the past favorite actors and musicians that day. I was just beside myself just looking at Krishna because after all He is the most beautiful of all.

Some mornings when I get up I feel so tired not wanting to get up, but I just have to force msyelf to so that I can get up and see Lord Krishna in His blackish form. Im tryng to get over sleepiness that I feel a  lot in the morning and I do need some type of energy for it so why not let it be Krishna's blackish form to get me excited in the morning? I wish I could paint really well because if I could I'd paint a beautiful picture of Lord Krishna in His blackish from. I mean i can draw and all that but I'm no where near a professional. Maybe one day Lord Krishna will allow me to paint pictures of Him professionally. That will help me to always rememeber Him too for me.

But whatever He has planned for me I just hope He'll allow me to always be engaged in His service in this life and continual future lives I may take.

12 Hour Kirtan

This past Friday we had a 12 hour kirtan. It had started at 10am in the morning and went on until 10:30pm. Devotees from all over had started arriving in the morning and more had shown up later in the day. We were all getting ready for Ratha Yatra for the next two days. Everyone was bubbling with excitement.

Maharaj had started off the kirtan. I had recorded it on both audio and video, and took a few pictures of him leading kirtan. I always love listening to him lead kirtan. I love listeniing him more than listening to my old so called favorite bands like the Beatles and all.  He sings so much better than they do! I made a couple dvds for my godbrother and godsister, Ramachandra das and Nitai Priya.

As the day went on I ran into Maha Laxshmi, Bhaktin Kim, Govinda Mohini, and Malati from New Vrndavan. They had arrived for the Festival of India and Ratha Yatra. I sat and chatted with them for a bit, catchng up on what has been happening in New Vrndavan.

Later in the day I went back upstairs to listen to the kirtan. I saw Gunagrahi Swami from a distance. It was great to see him again. He remembered me from the last time he visited. I've liked him when I first saw him. He reminds me of my own guru Maharaj in a way.

Then a prabhu came up to me and asked me to help cut up some cabbage for the feast that we were to have for the next two days. I helped out for a half hour while listening to the kirtan. I then saw bhaktin linda and chatted with her for a bit and I also saw Shanti mataji too. Everyone I knew was there for the 12 hour kirtan. There was a rumor that the harinam was cancelled but at the last minute I had gone outside and found my guru Maharaj ready to go out on harinam I ran back inside to grab my shoes and flew out the door. It was Krishna's mercy that had allowed me to go out on the harinam. Krishna has shown me so much mercy to a fallen soul like me. We went out on the harinam for two hours. I found it interesting as I went along with the harinam. I went with a couple of my godbrothers and godsisters I have met for the first time and then I was observing the people along the streets. People poked their heads out of windows and took pictures of us. Others were just watching or staring at us. And some were actually dancing with us. This one gentleman had joined in on the dancing which I found quite humourous.

Maharaj had really enjoyed the harinam too. I noticed he had funny expressions on his face as we walked along the streets chanting Krishna's Holy Name. He had enjoyed the harinam too observing the people along the streets. When we all got back to the temple we joined for the rest of the 12 hour kirtan. it went on for a half an hour more than it was scheduled. Then Maharaj said to us after it was over "Now go to sleep like good little childeren." But we all wanted more lol. I know I did. It was too bad it wasn't a 24 hour kirtan. I love kirtans. They are fun to be in. I didn't go to bed until 12 midnight.
But it was a fun kirtan.:)

What we can learn from demigods

Lately I have found that we can learn many things from the demigods. Especially from King Indra. I believe that Krishna had King Indra act in such a way to show us how to be humble and not be puffed up with material opulence, or power, or position in spiritual life. I think King Indra is one of my favorite demigods, because I can learn so much from him.

I have seen or read about how King Indra shows off his exalted position. Krishna had simply crushed his pride by protecting the inhabitants of Vrndavan. He had lifted Govardana Hill with His left hand with only His little pinky finger. He was only 8 years old when He had done this miracle. Krishna held this Hill for 7 days and 7 nights. As a result it made King Indra even more angry until eventually his anger and pride had caused him to fall and realize his real position. He was angry because not only did Krishna protect the inhabitants of Vrndavan but because Krishna had also stopped the fire sacrifice for King Indra.

This helps me to show what my real position is too. King Indra thought he was the "doer," because he controls the rains. But in reality his is only doing his duty by Lord Vishnu's order. This is the one thing I need to learn is that I am not the 'doer.' I don't know why it is taking me so long to realize this. Krishna has proven to me many times  that I am not the doer, but my mind refuses to believe it. How can i stop thinking in this way? It may take me a life time to realize this or it may take me more time in my next life to realize this.

So after Krishna had destroyed King Indra's pride, he had apologized to Krishna realizing that he had offended Him. So King Indra can teach us not to be puffed up with our position other wise we will suffer as a result.

It is also easy to see how King Indra gets caught up in his material opulence., and power. I often get caught up in negativity or problems that go on in the temple if I am involved in it. This does affect my conciousness, and it's one of my major weak points. I have been told by devotees to just constantly glorify Krishna in what ever I do whether it be chanting or doing service or doing both at the same time which is probably better. I often try to talk about Krishna's childhood pasttimes with devotees in the kitchen as it does remind me of Mother Yasoda churing butter and with little Krishna getting into mischief while she is doing her chores. I also try to listen to devotional music as I am doing my service to keep my mind focused on Krishna as well. Im gettign a little better I think but to me I still feel like Im not doing good enough. Lately I've been trying ot chant a little more to help this feeling of something missing go away. Maybe I will study a little more about King Indra and how he was able to get out of the clutches of maya, power, etc and realized that he is a servant of Krishna.

Pre-Ratha Yatra Week

This week is going to be incredible busy. So much service has to be done. 40,000 people attend Ratha Yatra almost every year. So alot of cooking and cleaning around the temple must be done.

I've been given a lot of service to do. Hara Kumar  asked me to take over in caring for Tulasi Devi. It feels so nice to take fully care of her again. This time I hope to serve her better. Im such a fallen soul and unqualified to take care of her but Tulasi is still so merciful and still wishes me to serve her even though there are more qualified devotees here than myself to take care of her.

Then my guru Maharaj gave me some extra service to do. He wanted me to clean around outside the temple. There was trash and weeds all around the temple. Im pretty much finished with that service now. I had just finished the front side of the temple. My guru Maharaj was very pleased and happy with the results of how i cleaned it. Im very happy that he is pleased. Krishna knows I wish to keep my guru Maharaj pleased and happy. The first day when I had started this service I spent five hours straight outside pulling weeds, sweeping the drive way, picking up trash, and pulling more weeds out from the small garden outfront. My back was hurting me the next day so I couldn't do much. It seems like whenever I do strenous work like this my back hurts me the next day. But I had to do this service to please  my guru Maharaj and it was direct service to him.

Mahavendra Puri also requested me to concentrate on the dishes. There are already so many devotees helping in the kitchen. So I really couldn;t get to the sink. There were devotees cleanign the kitchen and cutting vegetables and cooking. I helped a little bit but my back was in pain again. I think I may have to buy some inexpensive shoes to wear in the kitchen. Maybe going barefoot or standing barefooted hurts my back since the floor is so hard. I'll see if I can find some shoes that are not leather to wear.

We also have a 12 hour kirtan this week. I am looking forward to that. And I can't wait to attend ratha yatra as well. I've never been to a large Ratha yatra before only small ones in Cleveland Ohio. I love going ot Krishna Conciousness festivals. They are a lot of fun. :) Who would think that religion and spirituality can be fun in life? It helps one to keep ones mind focused on Krishna who is God Himself.

Striving for Second Initiation

I've been thinking a lot about second initiation, and how much I would love to do things on the altar for Their Lordships Sri Sri Radha and Krishna. I know I am not quite ready yet for second initiation. But it never hurts think about it. Second initiation to me means more surrender to Krishna, which is what I wish to do. I have no interest in living outside the temple, because I fear if I do, Maya(illusion) will attack me. I also have no interest in family life(I don't want to start a family of my own).

This is one reason why I am taking on new servicesto spiritually advance more. Learning to cook, sing, and play musical instruments are the new services I took on. And I just recently started doing Guru Puja Aarti for Srila Prabhupada. So this is helping me fill in the empty spots in my devotional service to Krishna.

I also need to practice sanskrit more too. My sanskrit is improving slowly. I should try to chant the sanskrit in the Bhagavad Gita, but some verses are very difficult for me to chant. Im going to try and set a time everyday if I can to chant sanskrit verses somehow. Seems like around 5pm is when I have free time to do that. I am wondering too if I should ever get second initiation that I would be giving class on Bhagavad Gita or Srimad Bhagavatam if I get better with sanskrit. Im not very good with preaching but maybe someone here can show me how to give class one day. I may inquire to Maharaj about it one day when the time comes.

In the mean time I just hope and pray that Krishna will help me to surrender more unto Him, so that He may allow me to take on second initiation someday. :)