It took me nearly 15 years to break out of this shy shell I've been since being locked up in a house for that long. This has never been an easy task for me. But I believe Krishna is slowing breaking that shell. He knows not to go too fast with me. There has been changes in New Vrndavan and more are to come but that will take a lot of time too.
After Lord Ramachandra's Appearance Day yesterday had enlivened my spiritual life a bit being here in New Vrndavan. When I first came back here April 3rd. I felt like a she deer about ready to run back to Toronto or even Cleveland. But I noticed there are more devotees back in the temple for Mangal Aarti and the second half of the program. And last night's 7pm Aarti had almost put me back on the 'cloud' as Mother Sudevi puts it. I am only about 80% there. It may get better later this week. Bhaktin Shannon and her husband have been a tremendous help. They are the ones helping to make the changes around this temple. I know by the festival of inspiration I'll be back on that 'cloud.' That is one goal I am working on for spirituality.
This morning's Aarti I tried to picture my guru Maharaj here in this temple. I could almost picture him leading the kirtan. The kirtans have been more estatic here lately so that's been easing the pain of separation from my guru Maharaj while he's away traveling. As long as these kirtans stay estatic, the more ethusiastic and encouraged I will be. The only thing I miss now is hearing Maharaj's Bhagavatam classes. His classes are very very unique no one else really gives class like the way he does. But the kirtans really help me to feel that Maharaj is here even though I know our guru is always with us, but I like to get a stronger feeling of that by hearing these estatic kirtans to help me feel that. It also helps to feel closer to Krishna as well I noticed that Radha Vrndavan Chandra are a lot happier now too with the changes here in the temple. Before I left They didn't look happy either like I was. I am happy to see Krishna happy.
So I just hope and pray to Krishna that He'll break me out of this shy shell. I've been trying to get myself to dance during kirtans. That's one of the things that I get so shy about is dancing because I'd feel silly most of the time. I don't know why I feel that way when I know I shouldn't because Im dancing for Krishna not an audience of karmis. Krishna wouldn't care how I'd dance as long as it's out of love for Him. So I did my best this morning to give it a try. Yesterday's kirtan was what kept me inspired. I also hope that the association here will also improve as well. That was one of the things I am looking for is more association with devotees like there is in Toronto. New Vrndavan needs more of that. So as long as the kirtans stay estatic and the devotee association increases it should be better than before.
