Well I am totally confused at this point. I had received an email from my guru Maharaj. He said that what ever I decide with Deity Worship training is fine with him whether it be here in LA or Toronto. So I feel stumped. I had to email Maharaj this afternoon about it. I was actually feeling upset and guilty about it all at the same time. I do like both temples LA And Toronto's. And the devotees in each temple all want me to come back or stay at their temple. So I feel split into two right now. All I know is I am not Krishna. I cannot expand myself like He can. If I stay here in LA I would feel incredibly guilty for not going back as I know my guru Maharaj would like to have me up there for part of the year as do the other devotees. He said we'd have to talk to Mahavendra Puri and Mother Subhuddhi to see if they want me to come back or not. And if I go back to Toronto, I'd feel guilty about leaving here because many devotees want me to stay here permanantly as well. It's nice to feel loved by both temples but yet heart breaking at the same time when they both want me to come back or stay. I am grateful for Krishna letting me have such nice association and putting me in temples to where He knows I would be able to surrender to Him more and serve Him with more love and devotion.
So now I just feel like Arjuna did when he did not know whether or not he should fight the battle and had to surrender to Krishna to receive advice. That is why I emailed my guru Maharaj again. I was actually in tears about this situation too. The thought of not seeing Maharaj for two years if i stay here for the Deity Worship training I think would be too hard on me and would feel like torture. I am so used to seeing him all the time and having his association whenever he wasn't travelling. i know that serving guru in separation is one of the highest services to guru and Krishna but I still struggle with that one as I am very much attached to my guru Maharaj. And then I also have Tulasi back in Toronto. I want to go back to her and continue caring for her. I want to see how big she got too while I've been away. But if Krishna wants me here I hope she will understand. I had told her that it is up to her and Krishna if she wants me to come back to her this year in my letter I left for her so she knows I may or may not return.
Maharaj told me to be patient and stay absorbed in my service to Krishna. So I will have to sit tight for now and follow those instructions he gave. I had asked him when Mahavendra Puri would be back from India so that we can get going on this situation.
