I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how Krishna is making all these arrangements.
Krishna didn't want me going to Canada this time around. He wanted me here in New Vrndavan for some reason. For that reason I do not know. I know He is in control and it's very difficult for me to learn that. Krishna may not want me to go to Canada at all and to practice more austerity. I am trying hard to remember what my guru Maharaj said to stay strong in sadhana and keep happy. The keeping happy part is hard to do here in New Vrndavan. I've been through many difficulties here.
Maharaj and other devotees in Canada I know would love to have me back but, I don't want to become too much of a burden of them having to try and bring me back because I was refused at the border. Maharaj has already done so much for me and today I was thinking of how much he's done for me that I literally was crying about it and I still am just typing this. Maharaj has been so kind to a rascal and fallen soul like me. I 've been having so many realizations ever since he initiated me on Srila Prabhupada's behalf. And it has made me a more humbler devotee of Krishna. Krishna is really testing me hard and I don't think i've passed any of His tests yet. I am tryng to teach myself that Krishna is the controller. Yes Krishna has revealed Himself to me in minor ways and now He's testing me again to see how much more faith I have in Him. Krishna's trying to tell me He's in control which is probably why He's not letting me go to Toronto just now and also to Cleveland as well. I just don't want to have Maharaj worry about bringing me back to Canada if Krishna does not want that. Maharaj has other important things to worry about besides me. What he does is far more important like preaching Lord Krishna's Holy Names. Im just going to have to accept Krishna's arrangements for now with staying in New Vrndavan...I believe He wants me to me more austere. But I heard that one should be happy in serving Krishna whereever they are, and I am not totally happy where I am at the moment, unless Krishna is trying to teach me that I must be happy in a place where I am not. It is difficult for me to understand what Krishna really wants me to do. Hopefully He will let me know soon so that I can just accept His arrangements without lamentation.
