Mixed Emotions

The morning wasn't so great, but this afternoon I was feelng a bit better. Maybe it was because I had gone to bed late at 10:30pm last night and didn't sleep very well. My sleeping habits have been out of whack lately. It must be because of the Festival of Inspiration comimg up and trying to get back to Toronto as soon as possible. So what I've been getting lately is mixed emotions. Not sure if this is normal for spiritual life or not. A devotee is always happy in Krishna Conciousness, which I am, but one should also be happy where they are serving Krishna which is where my downfall comes in. I was happier serving Krishna in Toronto. Here in Moundsville West Virginia is very hard for me.

I've been trying to go to the Aartis as much as I can. Today I went to the 12:30pm Aarti. There were a few guests there. I finished chanting a few left over rounds. Sometimes I wish I could go to the 7pm Aarti but I have service at that hour, Deity Plate transfer and Tulasi Aarti. But I love doing Tulasi Aarti as it helps the pain of separation while my guru Maharaj is away.

I have been going to Mangal Aarti every morning without fail, but then after Mangal Aarti I start to feel a bit sleepy and struggle with the second half of the morning program because I am up so early at 3:30am. I guess this is where my mixed emotions come in because of sleepiness maybe. And I hate feeling sleepy because I want to be able to serve Krishna without feeling that way.  My rounds have been just fine too. I always get them done without fail also.

I haven't been able to do much walking as it keeps raining here everyday, and i don't have an umbrella to use either. Right now we are having a light thunderstorm, and it's supposed to ge worse later.

My godsister Vaidehi mataji had sent me copies of my guru Maharaj's blog posts that I can read in case I lose internet connection. I love to read my guru Maharaj's blogs because they keep me inspired a lot. That also cheered me up a lot and made my day a bit brighter. Then I was talking with Mother Siki in the office today too. I always like to talk to her about Krishna or Lord Nrsimahadeva. And she had quite a few stories to tell me. Like th one story she she told me about herself was when she was waiting for the bus stop at 11pm at night and 8 young men surrounded her and said "Hey baby why don't you come with us we are going to have a party?" but she said nothing to them and she started to sing Lord Nrsimahadeva prayers and after they heard her sing that they all got scared and ran away. There are many stories from devotees like this about Lord Nrsimahadeva yet. I don't have one of my own just yet probably because I am not that advanced or that purified enough yet. But even after hearing that story about Lord Nrsimahadeva that cheered me up too.

Maybe i'll try attending the youth bhajans here tonight if I am not feeling too tired to go after I put Tulasi Devi to bed. the one last Tuesday sounded pretty estatic but I was so tired that night I went to bed early.

Hopefully these mixed emotions I've been having will go away and I know they will by the time I get to Toronto. :D