Not Feeling "Clean"

I hate feeling contaminated. And its not just the physical part being contaminated it's mentally as well. Srila Prabhupada has said "Cleanliness is next to Godliness." I have a hard time with this one. Srila Prabhupada said that we not only have to be clean externally but interally too.

Today I had taken three showers, and yet I still don't feel very clean so that proves that Srila Prabhupada is right. You have to be clean internally. The mind can be one's greatest enemy if it is not practicing Krishna Conciousness to bring it under control. Krishna says the senses are very strong and it is difficult to control the mind especially in this age of Kali the age of quarrel and confusion.
Thank goodness Srila Prabhupada saved us and brought us the Bhagavad Gita As It Is to help us feel internally "clean"

Even when I go out to go to the store to buy necessities, I feel contaminated when I come back to the temple because the temple is so clean and I'm not clean because of the pollution in the air from car pipes, and people smoking and items handled by karmis.

My other reasons I don't feel clean is because my being  in anxiety about alot of things. My guru Maharaj says I worry too much. He's right about that. He had chastised me plenty of times about  being anxiety and it was for my own good as he said he does't want me getting sick from it which was very kind of him to say. That proves he really does care for others.I hope Krishna will help me get rid of my personal anxiety. If I have any anxiety I want it to be for Krishna like the Gopis. They  were always in anxiety for Krishna when He was not personally present before them.

My goal is to try to chant Krishna's Holy Names with a bit more sincerity so that my soul can clean out the dirt and clutter and also cut the branches of material desires. I want to develop spontaneous loving service to the Lord. But as my guru Maharaj had instructed me, he said for me to be patient and the time will come for that ecstatic loving service. But how long will I have to wait???? Feels like forever that I have to wait to get that feeling for Krishna.

Lord Jagannatha though has been helping me lately. He has been keeping me engaged in His loving service by allowing me to make flower garlands for Him. I have felt that Lord Jagannatha is purifying my heart and soul because whenever I do service for Him I feel blissful and want to do more for Him. I have felt His reciprocation and now I am feeling some great attachment to Him. So this is helping me a bit to feel "internally clean."

Today is harinam. Hopefully I can feel somewhat clean going out with devotees on harinam to chant Krishna's Holy Names to the other fallen souls out there.

Why Are They (The Beatles)Back In My Life Again?

Okay why are they back in my life again? I haven't listened to any Beatles songs for months possibly a year. Maybe I guess because I wanted to remember how and why I came to Krishna Conciousness. I went onto youtube this morning and found all of the Beatles music on there. So I am now downloading them to .my computer to upload to my ipod.

Now just because I am going to listen to their music again does not mean I will become overly obssessed with them like I used to. I don't listen to the Beatles as much anymore due to being Krishna Concious and I'd much rather prefer to hear the Holy Names. It's the same with George's music too. I only listen to him once in awhile not all the time.

I think maybe if I listen to the Beatles once in awhile it may boost my spiritual lif e a bit and remember how I came to Krishna Conciousness and how enthusiastic I was in the beginning. Don't get me wrong Im still enthusiastiac but sometimes I struggle in KC and if I need something to put me in a better mood I guess listening to my favorite band The Beatles might help put me in a better mood. Their songs do put a smile my face. But I do feel funny and I feel strange to be listening to them again since I've been living in the temple.

I have to thank George Harrison though. He was the whole main reason why I surrendered to Krishna. Whenever I see or hear George, I immediately think of Krishna at the same time. So in turn I have to thank Paul for finding George and telling him to join the Beatles back in those early days. I think that  is why Paul is my second favorite for bringing George to the Beatles and even after the break up George became very spiritual and religious. That had inspired me the most.

When Will I Actually Listen to Krsna?

Lately I have been experiencing Krsna testing me. Krsna keeps giving me the same challenge all the time and I fail it every time. There is this level that I cannot pass. It is like a video game. The first levels are easy but as you go along, the levels get harder up to the end usually the last level is the hardest to beat. So similiarly, spiritual life is like that. The real test is at the time of death but in the mean time Krsna throws at us challenges in our life time, and makes us pass a certain level.

I am stuck on this one level. I can't seem to pass it no matter how many times Krsna gives it to me. I feel totally guilty about it. Krsna never gives us a challenge we can't handle. But this challenge He is giving me seems totally impossible for me to pass. Living in a community all the time is a challenge. There will be ups and downs and it's really hard on me. Srila Prabhupada disciples here in New Dwaraka have been giving advice but when I face this challenge I can't remember any of their teachings. Another guilty thing I have with that.

So I am beginning to wonder if my mind will ever listen to Krsna or His devotees that instruct me? Today devotees were asking me to bless them but at this stage I am in NO position to give  blessings. If anything I need theirs!  They have been in this movement longer than I have. I've only been in this movement for four and a half years nearly five. It is a learning experience, and I have always been very slow at learning things, I might have some kind of learning disability without evenknowing it. I try to fight that too. I've been associating with Om Kara Devi Dasi Mataji and Jaga Mataji,and Tadit Mataji. They have been a great help to me and Svavas Prabhu too. While not having Maharaj's direct association they have been encouraging me when I need it like he has. I try to remember what Maharaj said about always having problems and finding solutions. At times though when I am in anxiety it is hard to remember them.

I should inquire to Maharaj again and if I speak to Svavas Prabhu about how to get rid of these anxiety feelings that I have about service and focuse more on Krsna. It isn't fair Im suffering from anxiety like this. I'd rather have anxiety for Krsna not about how my service should be done for Him.

But the main question is when will I actually listen to Krsna????????

Developing A Passion For Bike Riding

Okay I confess. Im a cyclist or bike rider another words. I don't think Im much of a walker like my guru Maharaj is. I like walking sure, but somehow or other I feel that I am using my bike more than I am walking.

Last Tuesday I went on an hour and a half bike ride. I rode from Venice BLVD to La Cienaga, then to Pico BLVD, to Overland Avnue and back to Venice. I discovered that most of the streets around here are all connected to each other so I did a HUGE around the block bike trail. Pico BLVD took me the longest however to get to Overland Avenue. But that was okay. It was a nice day and enjoyed the breeze.

Today I rode my bike past the freeway to get to the library on Venice. There is one on Inglewood Avenue in Mar Vista Suburb. My computer isn't working and is being fixed so I came to the library to use the computer. I have missed going to the library.

Anyways I don't know where this passion of mine for bike riding came from all of a sudden. I go out on my bike when I can sometimes after service Im so tired I don't go out but when I feel energized I hop on my bike and go for a spin.

But deep in my heart I wish I could be like my guru maharaj with his walking. I like to walk but I start hurting after an hour of walking. Bike riding I could go for two hours without hurting.
However on my guru Maharaj's blog post awhile back I read that he approves of Cyclists or bike riders. It is because you can see the person and they are getting good exercise. So I am happy Maharaj approves of bike riding.

If and when I go back to Toronto maybe I can save up for a bike to ride around Toronto. Walmart is pretty good with prices on bikes. I wish I could take my grandpa's old bike with me to Toronto but I can't. So I am trying to use it now as much as possible before heading back to Toronto.