I had a great evening with the Santa Monica harinam. Since this morning I had been feeling much inspiration. I was in the temple early, eager to see Krishna. Then later throughout the day I found that I couldn't stop thinking of Krishna and my guru Maharaj at the same time. So I did feel somewhat of a strong connection between Krishna and my guru Maharaj, which helped to ease the pain of separation from both of Them.
Anyway before I left for the harinam, I hurried into the temple to see Krishna. I needed to see Him. He was looking so beautiful standing there with his beautiful flute decorated with flowers all over Him. Srimate Radharani was gorgeous too. There have been times where I felt a bit choked up when I took darshan of Radha and Krishna. My guru Maharaj told me if I have these exepriences with the Deities to always cherish it because they are supposed to be good feelings and that means my heart is changing. I know my heart is still hard hearted because I had not cried while I was chanting Krishna's Holy Names. Srila Prabhupada said that if we do not feel tears of ecstasy in our eyes then it is to be understood we are still hard hearted. We need to be soft hearted for Krishna to really love and understand Him.
The first half of the harinam, I wanted to chant and I did try to do little dance steps but I am still not good with it yet. But I chanted Krishna's Holy Name loudly. A wave of happiness flowed through me this evening while chanting. Chanting Krishna's Holy Name can make you happy if you chant His name sincerely with love. Some of our devotees danced in totall ecstasy. Bhakta Josh was totally blissed out and was dancing wildly during the whole harinam. I wish I had his energy to dance like that for Krishna.
During the second half of the harinam, I made an attempt at book distribution. No one seemed to stop tonight to ask for a book or take a yellow card. I tried my best for Krishna. I was thinking of Him while trying to distribute books. I am trying desperately to please Him but I don't know if He is pleased with my attempts. Toward the end though I found myself speaking with this one gentleman. He was a nice guy. He said he liked our music. But he is a full fledged Christian a firm believer in Jesus. My guru Maharaj had run into a man just recently before he left for India that this man he ran into was screaming about Lord Jesus. We we often meet people like this. But anyways I happened to come across this man but he was more gentle than the one my guru Maharaj ran into. He was asking me some questions and then he gave his small lecture on Jesus. I listened politely. Toward the end of our discussion, I apologized to the gentleman and asked for forgiveness if I had offended him in anyway. As a Vaisnava we are taught to show all humility to others and show others respect, even if they do not believe in Krishna. This gentleman said to me "You have not offended me at all you showed all humility and I thank you for that." So I am happy I left him with a good impression. I offered this result unto Lord Krishna in hopes that I had pleased Him.
So this is teaching me humility with book distribution. Tolerance I still have to work on though just a bit more. It will come in time with practice.
I was also praying to Lord Krishna tonight though after I got back that I asked for His protection because I still have a fear of people trying to take me away from Krishna. I don't want to leave Lord Krishna ever. I don't care who tries to make me leave Krishna whether it be family or complete strangers. Lord Krishna has given me so many realizations and He is revealing Himself little by little. I want love Him with more love and devotion. I know He will give me tests in the future of how much I truly love Him and how much more I will surrender unto Him. But I am still begging Him for His protection so that I may never leave Him. So this realization tonight after that talk with this gentleman, made me have even more faith in Krishna and makes me even more desperate to see Krishna tomorrow morning during Mangal Aarti. I am so scared of a falldown in Krishna Conciousness. Maybe I should ask Maharaj for some help about it in what I can do to ease that fear of others trying to persuade me to leave the Krishna Conciousness Movement. As far as I know Im locked in with Krishna Conciousness for the rest of my life! And I am quite content with it.
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