Better Late Than Never

I have been reading about Srila Prabhupada. He had been Krishna Concious all his life. I wish I could have been Krishna Concious all my life then maybe I wouldn't have so much anxiety or fears. But I guess it's better late than never to have found Krishna in this life. Some people may never even surrender to Him or understand Him to be God. I wasn't fortunate enough to be Krishna Concious all my life due to past live activities. I have no clue what I have done in my past life and Im afraid to know it. Im actually glad Krishna does not let us remember what we were in our past life because i'd be totally embarrassed and feel guilty about it.

I had also been trying to listen to Prabhupada's lectures trying to get used to his voice. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding him but I listened to one of his lectures yesterday and was able to take notes from it. He was speaking about Bhagavan. Bhagavan is the Supreme Lord and He has the six opulences namely wealth fame, beauty etc. So I understood what he was talking about in the lecture. He also said that we cannot understand Bhagavan without having Bhagavan's mercy. So this is another reason why I am posting this. I am very grateful that Bhagavan had let me come to at least try to understand Him in some way. I still do not fully understand Him and probably never will but better late than never to try to understand Him with love and devotion at least.

Im still worried about my spiritual advancement. I still run into issues with happiness and distress. This is where tolerance comes in. Will I ever learn it? It'll probably take me a life time to learn it. I may have to talk to Maharaj about it before I leave here. My emotions get the better of me a lot of the time too which annoys me and I'm not that well shall we say ecstatic like others are. I should try to be but however it's hard for me to open up. I just hope I can get a little more ecstatic soon I'd rather be late with that than never in this life. It'll just have to be a slow process for me. I was always slow with learning which was why I got held back a year in school, not because of bad grades but because I could not keep up with others.

I feel that I have so much service to be done that I don't have much time for extra chanting or reading but for the past two days I've been trying to fit it in. Yesterday I managed to chant 19 rounds and read a couple chapters from the Krishna Book and a few verses from the Bhagavad Gita in Ch. 2. Im trying to find some comfort in it especially listening to Prabhupada also helps. I think that's one of my problems. I need to chant more, and read more. I just hope when i get to the LA temple I will have time for that. I will have to talk to who is ever in charge with the services there about that. I want time for reading and chanting in between and also to take at least an hour rest in the afternoon so as not to feel to exhausted like I've been feeling lately.