KnotsBerry Farm Amusement Park

Today our trip was to KnotsBerry Farm Amuesment Park. It was pretty good. The rollercoasters were nice too. But after the second rollercoaster I went on I was starting to feel sick. The heat rose pretty high today. I felt nauseous and had a headache. Rollercoasters never make me sick I knew it was the heat that was doing it to me. So we had to stop for lunch which helped my stomach but my headache still lingered. Later in the afternoon I was feeling a bit better to continue. Before the park opened however, I chanted some rounds and even had my beadbag with me throughout the whole day. I even chanted a bit while waiting in line. I know amusement parks are definately maya so I tried to chase her away by chanting quietly.

There was one ride there that I love. It was called the Boomerang. This rollercoaster goes forward and backwards including going upside down at that. It is the same exact ride as The Mind Eraser at Geauga Lake. It brought back some good memories. Ghost Rider rollercoaster reminded me of the Mean Streak back at Cedar Point. Then we watched a funny western stunt show before we left which reminded me of the Batman Show in Six Flags when it was in Ohio.  So I thought this trip was okay for the most part and I still stayed Krishna Conciousness as much as possible and tried to have some realizations but I didn't have that many. I only thought that bringing my bead bag with me that has Krishna on it maybe the people there would see it and get some benefit just by seeing Krishna's picture on the beadbag alone. So I hoped I helped them in some way, even if it was only for a second.

Along the California Coast

Yesterday my dad and I drove along California's beach coasts. We stopped at quite a few beaches. The first beach we stopped at had a high tide so we could not go walking down there. But the funniest thing happened while we were over looking the water. Seagulls were flying pretty close above our heads, and while my dad wasn't paying any attention, a seagull pooped right on his arm. I ended up laughing. Somehow I knew that was going to happen.

Then the second beach we stopped at we got out of the van and went to take a walk on the beach. It was about a 2 mile walk up and down the beach. The breeze felt nice, it was chilly in the beginning, but warmed up later. There were other people there as well. We also watched some surfers too in the water.  But that qoute by Srila Prabhupada came through me again. I read that when Prabhupada was on his japa beach walk he pointed to the surfers and he told his devotees "Even surfing is maya." That was why I was hesitant on skiing because I dont know if Srila Prabhupada would have said skiing is maya or not too.

Then we stopped at a beach called Aliso Beach. We stayed there for four hours. I tried to make Radha and Krishna out of sand. I was trying to stay Krishna Conciousness as much as possible.  So Krishna was on my mind the whole time we drove down along the coast. I had some trouble on how I could make Radha and Krishna out of sand and I told my dad "One way or another Im going to make Krishna out of sand, and stay Krishna Conciousness" He didn't say anything really. But he kept teasing me about a tsunami coming in and stuff to mess me up which it did happen once when the wave came in pretty close and I had to start over. So I said to my dad jokingly "Hey you jinxed me!!!!!!!" And then he still continued to tease me about it, but Krishna didn't let him get away with it this time. I was able to finish my project in the sand for Him.

Then lastly we passed by Laguna Beach. I wish  I could have written down the address for the temple there. Had I known we were going to drive by Laguna Beach I would have gone to the temple near by there. So next year if I come out to California again I will make note of it.

Another Mountain Trail in San Diego

Just the other day I went on another mountain trail walk. It was a pretty steep mountain trail at that. The steepest one I've travelled. I had some difficulty with the steep hills due to my leg hurting me and it was kind of hard to breath as well but by the time we go to the top to where it flattened out I was able to walk easier. My dad and I took my Aunt's dog Mojo with us along on the trail. My dad let Mojo off the leash so that he can run around some. But half way through the trail, Mojo ran off! We thought we had lost him. We had a light snack at the top while we tried calling out for Mojo. Dad had to call my Aunt twice. She told us to keep calling for him. I called for him too but I also chanted some rounds too taking it a good opportunity to chant outside, over looking the view of the town down below. I also prayed to Krishna to help us find Mojo. The bushes smelled like mint.. I think they have wild sage out there. Finally my Aunt came to help look for Mojo who was still lost in the bushes out there. So we split up to look for him. About five minutes after we started on our way, Mojo comes running behind me. I thanked Krishna for helping us find him so that we could go home as it was getting late and the sun was setting. So we all got back safe and sound. Dad kept Mojo on the leash the rest of the way so that Mojo wouldn't go running off. The walk took about an hour an a half total but we lost an hour due to trying to find the dog. But over all it was a very nice trek along the mountain side.

Mangal Aarti/Not going back to my old life ever again

This morning I woke up to chant my rounds and watch mangal aarti on the live webcam. How I miss going to mangal aarti physically in the temple. It really does help to boost your spiritually energy by attending mangal aarti at 4:30am. Most people believe that getting up early is poison or hurting the body but it's not. If one goes to bed early and sleeps 6 hours that is more than enough. Meditating on Krishna( who is God) in the morning is like one's morning coffee. To help one get the day started. So I can see why caffeine is not needed lol. I woke up at 3am this morning, before anyone else at my aunt's house.

The only thing I miss is my service at the temple. It is NOT slave work. Working in a fast food restaurant like I used to WAS slave work and underpay,calling me all hours of the night to come in to work and taking advantage of me, and wasnt making enough to support myself. Some people want me to go back to the life I used to live but do they really want me to go back to living beyond my means? I didn't make enough money to support myself? All I know is restaurant work and I don't want to go back to work out there and having to worry about bills. My mother will not take me back in nor will my other family members.I am on my own. I am 27 years old and can make my own decisions I took shelter of Krishna(God) He is taking care of me.  I refuse to go back to my old life. Krishna got me out of living locked up in a house for 15 years not being able to see friends or family and living in a house that was surrounded by boxes and sleeping on an old mattress with boxes around my head that could have fallen on me, and that house was filthy at that. And people want me to go home to that life again? No way. I have more freedom now living in a temple to where I am free to travel and see the world where as if I went back home I cannot due to financial reasons. I can live a normal life even in the temple. Other people who cannot see this I am sorry for them. I am living a wonderful life as a Hare Krishna devotee.

Attending mangal aarti at 4:30am keeps me thinking postive and thankful for what Krishna has done for me and now I have to repay Him back by doing these services with love and devotion and I love serving Krishna. I can work at my own pace for Him.

San Diego Temple

Well I managed to go to the other temple near by in San Diego. This time I made it to the 12 noon Aarti. It was wonderful to see Srila Prabhupada and the Deities. It made me to forget about all the bad things happening outside the temple. I felt completely at peace once again. That IS where I belong is in a temple with peace and quiet and not being tempted to fall back into my old ways again which were very stressful. Living the life of a devotee makes one peaceful. Now that I look back Im glad I gave up all of what I used to do for a simple life and Im enjoying it. Its like early retirement for me lol. You got the freedom to travel and visit places as long as you want, you don't have to worry about bills hanging over your head. All you have to do is serve Krishna's devotees and Krishna Himself And Krishna will take care of us in return for the services we give Him with love and devotion. I feel most comfortable at the temple in Toronto with the devotees there and I can't wait to return back. I believe that is where I am happiest.

Anyways the day at the San Diego temple was very peaceful and quiet. I met a few devotees there and they invited me to have lunch with them. It felt so good to have prasadam from the temple again. I relished it. And once again Krishna knew I was coming because this time there was sweet rice!!!!! Krishna knows I love sweet rice LOL. Thank you my dear Lord Krishna for letting me have some of that! All glories to You! Sweet rice is my favorite type of dessert at the temples. I could have three or four helpings of it and Im bouncing off the walls ha ha! Its better than what most people do now days like drink and smoke...I can get hyper by just eating sweet rice which is pure and of course has only rice, cardomom powder, milk, and sugar, NO intoxicants like alcohol and all that other garabage people do now a days.

And outside where we were eating I got to see sweet Tulasi. She was in Her greenhouse. And She looked so big and pretty. Her leaves were so green and full as well. Made me happy to see Her. Tulasi is a very special Holy plant.

This thursday I am going back to the LA temple again. I will post more later.

My Visit to the Los Angeles Temple

I cannot tell you how very happy I was to be in the temple yesterday with devotees like myself. I felt like I could breath again because i  am around people who share the same interest with me about God and spirituality. At least in a temple devotees there love Krishna. And as soon as I stepped into the temple I sure did feel Lord Krishna's protection. Lord Krishna I know would not let anything happen to me. He's already shown me that He protected me on the way here to California when I was stranded at the airport but He got me through it. And if something did happen, He would be showing His mercy to me by helping me to rely on Him more.

I had gone upstairs to the gift shop first while I waited for the next Aarti service. I got a nice 10 inch murti figurine of Krishna and two books about Lord Nrsimahadeva. Then I went downstairs and had lunch. Krishna must have known I was coming...there was pasta for lunch lol! I sat in the Govinda's restaurant and there was another soooo very cute murti figurine of Krishna next to the table I was sitting at. It was the same place I sat at last year when I was there. I  just wanted to sit next to Krishna lol. Here is a picture of Him. It felt like I was sittign there having lunch with Krishna just like the cowherd boys used to do that.

After awhile I sat and studied the Bhagavad Gita for an hour looking for some comforting verses about being away from the temple and devotees. Im still going over Ch. 6 Text 30. That one seems to be the most comforting, so Im doing my best to try to see Krisnha everywhere since He is God and can see everything we do. I also wrote in my notebook as welll for my blog to post here to pass the time.

Then finally i headed into the temple. I chanted some japa  rounds and for a few minutes sat quietly enjoying the peace and quiet and the wonderful smells of incense in the temple. When 4:30pm came around, I anxiously went up to the altar doors. I was anxious to see Krishna's beautiful Lotus Feet and His beautiful Lotus Eyes. His Lotus Eyes do show a l ot of love to anyone who comes into the temple to see Him. It's very nice to see God in this way as a Deity since we cannot physically see Him with our materially covered eyesight. But Krishna is mericful and allows us to see Him in this form. He can appear in any form He wishes.

When the doors opened I found that the Deities were wearing a very pretty green outfit. Lord Jagganatha was looking cute as He always does. Lord Chaitanya and Lord Nityananda was looking very nice as well, and Radha and Krishna well, They just took my breath away. I stood there for a good 15 minutes taking Darshan of Them. Radharani looked so pretty with a gold trim around Her vail and she had a flower basket in her hand. I love it when She holds a flower basket in Her hand. And Krishna well, He always looks beautiful no matter what outfit He's wearing. :) Here are some more pics to show you:

Lord Chaitanya and Lord Nityananda

Lord Jaggantha below here in this pic

And Radha and Krishna the Divine Couple

Also after the Aarti I was talking to a nice mataji there. Her name is Karuna. I wasn't sure if she was an initiated Prabhupada disciple or not. But she was very kind to me. She asked me what my name was, where I was from, and who my guru Maharaj was. I also told her I felt homesick being away from the temple and she said for me it's definately a sign of a devotee. I love being in the temple and I'd hate to leave it. I don't think I'll shall be leaving the temple any time soon after I get back. I'll be going back to the temple where I live but I have to get back to the Toronto temple as soon as possible as I am much happier there. I miss going to Mangal Aarti in the temple in the morning.Anyways Karuna Mataji had given me some Maha prasadam(food that was offered to God Himself) which was fruit and some sweets to take home I thought that was very kind of her. I hope I can see her again if I go back to the LA temple again.

Lack of Devotee Association This Week

Since I've arrived in California I've had lack of devotee association. I try my best to keep in touch with devotees through email and phone as much as possible. It is difficult being outside the temple where you feel different from everyone else and have to remain silent about beliefs. I guess Krishna put me through this austerity to force me to think of Him more and so far it's working. I've been trying for days to get to a temple, hopefully that will happen tomorrow by visiting the LA temple to fullfill my guru Maharaj's request.
I had talked to my guru over the phone the other day and he said the feeling of separation was good and that it also feels like a fish out of water. That's what I had felt like for the past week in a half. Like it was hard to breathe without being around devotees and seeing Krishna in the temple. But again Krishna is forcing me to think of Him more and to rely on Him.

Sometimes I have to learn things the hard way. But now I've been learning who I can talk to and who I can't and it seems only through devotees I can truly relate to. It's all a learning experience. We all commit offenses which is why we are here...to learn from our mistakes and try again. Believe me I've probably commited a lot of offenses but still Krishna is kind and has helped me to learn from them. That is why there are devotees who are more advanced to help other devotees to avoid commiting offenses, and to also to learn how to help others do the same. Devotees are taught to be as humble as possible. But there are many people who misunderstand devotees and take it the wrong way. But we have to take it as humility and a lesson to be learned for those who misunderstand devotees. I try not to preach to others because too many people would misunderstand me and take it the wrong way. I let someone who is in more knowledge and higher authority to preach since I am in no position to do that. Because since I have done that the less offenses I have committed.

So devotee association is very important because it teaches one to be humble, and live a simple and pure life.

Struggling

Lately I've been struggling outside the temple. I feel like I am out of routine pretty much. I talked to Maharaj on the phone yesterday which helped me to feel better. I am trying to stay focused on my sadhana and chanting as much as possible. I've been doing a lot of reading lately in my Krishna book to help me feel closer to Krishna. Because Krishna says that when one hears about His pasttimes or reads about Him His devotees always live with Him. So I am trying to keep that in my heart and mind. I went out for my hour walk today and kept saying that in my head to myself over and over. Krishna's devotees are NEVER lost to Him and Krishna is NEVER lost to His devotees. I believe there is a verse in the Bhagavad Gita Ch. 6 Text 30 Krishna says For one who sees Me everywhere and sees everything in Me, I am never lost, nor is he lost to Me." I also try to remember that last prayer that Lord Chaitanya wrote:

I know no one but Krishna as my Lord
And He shall remain so even if He handles me roughly by His embrace
Or makes me broken hearted by not being present before me.
He is completely free to do anything and everything,
For He is always my worshipable Lord unconditionally.

I guess Krishna is putting me through this austerity for a reason. One gets the urge to want to talk about Krishna but you can't because people around you do not understand and will misjudge it without even knowing what it really is. It is so difficult to keep silent about it. Sometimes I get too upset too easily for my own good. I've been very quiet for the last few days and trying not to say anything about it.

Just in Time

This morning my guru Maharaj Bhaktimarga Swami had sent me a reply to my email I sent to him last week.I had told him I was feeling severe separation from the temple and devotees in Toronto. He said that the separation I was feeling is real. He told me to keep reading and writing which is what I am doing now and why I am trying to keep up with my blog posts as well. He also said not to impose on others and to keep my sadhana strong. Then he said to help with some cleaning which I will do for my grandmother either tonight or tomorrow. Maharaj says I am good with cleaning. Lastly, he said he wanted me to call him a day after he gets back from India. I am a little nervous about that one. I hope what he has to say is good news. I am very careful about keeping my guru pleased.

I had spent two quiet days with my grandmother at home. It had rained for the past two days and I couldn't really go out anywhere. So I had to stay inside for two days and the one day my back was hurting me pretty bad.

So today I was able to go out for a walk. I took my grandmother's dog Maggie with me because she loves walks. It was still raining this morning, but it stopped around 1pm and I was able to squeeze in my walk. But by the time my walk was almost over it started to rain again. I made it home just in time. After I made lunch after my walk it was really pouring rain outside. So Krishna got me in the house right on time before it started to pour rain. On the way home from the walk I kept saying "Oh Krishna" as it was started to rain harder, but Krishna was kind enough to hold off the heavy rain until I got in. It's another proof that Krishna protects His devotees from any type of distress or calamity if one remembers Him with love, even if His devotee is in distress and the devotee remembers Him, He will help them. So Krishna helped me by getting me in the house just in time before the heavy rains. It made me think of Govardana Hill just now as I am typing this. :) Krishna protected His devotees from Indra from the heavy rains by lifting Govardana Hill. So in a way Krishna did the same for me by letting me take shelter in Him from the rain.

Lord Chaitanya's Appearance Day/Lord Jagganatha So Merciful

Today was Lord Chaitanya's Appearance Day. I chanted my rounds and fasted the whole day although i did have to have a little water though to hold me off. I read some of my book about Lord Chaitanya as well. I wish I could have gone to a temple today but I guess I wasn't meant to go. So I just watched the bathing ceremony on mayapur.tv to make up for it. The way Mayapur dressed their Deities was so beautiful. I loved the background they had too with a moon with stars that light up from the lights they had on the background to make it look like a night sky. Lord Chaitanya looked so beautiful with so many flowers decorated around Him.Los Angeles's Deities where wearing mostly red and Radha and Krishna had a blue trim around their outfits which was also pretty. I forgot what color London's Deities were wearing for Gaura Purnim and I didnt' get a chance to see Radha Vrndavan Chandra though. But today was a peaceful day and I felt somewhat purified after fasting, chanting, and reading. Today the sky looked threatening with rain so I didn't go out for a walk but the late afternoon around 5pm was sunny. So hopefully tomorrow I'll go out on my walk. I hope my guru Maharaj also had a very happy Gaura Purnim out in Ahmedabad India. All glories to Lord Chaitanya on this most auspicious day.

Skiing yesterday was okay. I have to admit I wasn't too crazy for the idea but before I went skiing I was sitting in the locker room waiting for my dad to come back. As I sat there just thinking about Krishna and wanting to be back in the temple, I suddenly stared at a familiar sticker on someone's locker. I had to blink twice to make sure I wasn't dreaming. But yep I wasn't dreaming. There was a sticker of Lord Jagganatha on  somebody's locker! I don't know who's locker it was but it brought a big smile to my face. I think it was verification from Lord Jagganatha that He was with me the whole time there. He was so merciful to me. So it also made me feel a bit better about skiing too. Even while skiing I was thinking of Krishna and also that sticker of Lord Jaggantha on the locker. At least I didn't feel too out of place. Lord Jagganatha knew how I was feeling separation from the temple and devotees and He let me see Him simply by seeing His smiling face on a sticker in the locker room. :)  All glories to Lord Jagganatha!      

Trekking The Mountains(Dedicated To Srila Prabhupada And Maharaj)

This blog post is dedicated to Srila Prabhupada and my guru Maharaj Bhaktimarga Swami

Well, here I am walking around up in Big Bear Mountains. My dad had to work this weekend. So on my fourth day up here we went on this trail that is a 1 1/2 mile trail which was good and lasted an hour. I had trouble in the beginning because it hurts my leg and back walking up the hills but after a while the rest of it was pretty flat and downhill which made it easier for me to walk.

Along the way we learned about some of the plants and trees that were along the trail. There was something interesting about one of the trees. There was one tree there that was pretty old, but in the little trail booklet we got it said that the tree smelled like vanilla and it did! Then there was another plant that Indians used to chew and it smells like mint almost like the chewing gum Spirment Gum. I smelled it but didn't taste it. So I found that trail interesting. And there was also a 4 hundred year old tree that was cut down but the tree itself is still there laying on the ground along with it's tree stump. There was another tree that had thousands of holes in it by some kind of woodpeckers that store acorns for the winter. And also rocks too where snakes and lizards reside. There was also a willow plant that we learned about. The willow plant actually has asprin in it... well scientists can make asprin from this plant.

After that trek, I felt Maharaj would have truly loved that trail especially since it's out in the wild. I know he'd have been pleased with the walk I did today which  made me feel a bit happier. I finished my japa too while on the walk as well I hope Srila Prabhupada was pleased as well. I have some pictures that my dad took with his camera from the trail. We'll have more pictures of trails in the next two days I think. Tomorrow though we are going skiing...not sure if Maharaj would approve of skiing though so I'm a bit hesitant with it. I hate doing things without maharaj's approval. Like tonight my dad and I went to this St. Patrick's Day party at his work in the ski lodge. I wasn't thrilled about being there because everyone was smoking and drinking...and the food only had meat in it. I just don't care for parties anymore like the one we went to tonight. So when we got back to our room at a place called "The Hostel" which is like  small clean motel, I made a vegetarian dinner and offered it to Lord Chaitanya. But while I was at that party though I was talking to Krishna within my heart and mind...tellin Him I want to go to a temple to see Him. that would help me feel better.

Anyways here are some pictures from the trail! Enjoy! When I see Maharaj I think I will show him the pictures when he has the time. I know he'd like them.

Double Blessings In Disguise

Well I've been travelling for two days and I am now here at my grandmother's house in California.
I had to travel by bus first to get to Pittsburgh for my flight. My travelling around this time turned out to be a bit stressful.

The beginning of my journey was going by smoothly. Deva Datta my godbrother took me to the bus station the other morning. So my bus arrived to Erie PA with no problem. But then I learned I could not take the bus out to Pittsburgh from there and that is where all the trouble started. I had to sit there for five long hours to take the bus to Cleveland. That was one blessing though going back to my hometown Cleveland for a few hours. But I was growing tired as I was waiting. I tried chanting some extra rounds and read from my krishna book to help me stay awake and remember Krishna. I knew Krishna would help me get through this. So when the bus to Cleveland arrived to pick me up I discovered the bus had wireless internet on it. So I plugged in my computer and logged into mayapur.tv to watch mayapur's webcam. And much to my surprise, I learned that Maharaj was giving the Srimad Bhagavatam class. Oh how my heart just ACHED to hear Maharaj give class again! I almost started to cry. Krishna knew I wanted to hear Maharaj give class on the webcam so much and He fullfilled my desire yet again! Krishna has been so merciful to me. My trip would have been unbearable had I not gotten to see Maharaj give that class.It brought me peace of mind. So that was the double blessing from Krishna going to Cleveland for a bit and then seeing Maharaj on the webcam.

But later on, I went through some severe austerities. I did not sleep at all for a day and a half. The bus made me miss my flight and as a result I had so much trouble at the airport with finding a new flight, getting my bag checked in, and then at the security check point, and getting on the plane, they could not understand my ticket. So I had to sit there all day at the airport till 2:45pm. After that things went smoothly except at the end where my bag wasn't at the airport. So they told me today that my bag will be here around 1pm.

But over all Krishna still got me through this mess. I hope and pray things will go well for when I go back to New Vrndavan, and Toronto as well.

Letter To Srila Prabhupada

I wrote a letter to Srila Prabhupada tonight. I am leaving Toronto Saturday morning and I was expressing my feelings about it to him in the letter. Since Srila Prabhuada is back home back in Godhead with Krishna, I know he can see my letter here on the website.  Also Lord Krishna can see and read it here as well.I felt that I had to write to him first since I cannot go directly to Krishna alone about something transcendental. What I am asking Srila Prabhupada is not material but spiritual because I wish to return to Toronto to serve the devotees and my guru. So here is what I wrote to Srila Prabhupada. :) I thought I'd like to share it here too.

Please accept my humble obeisances
All glories to you!

My dear Srila Prabhupada
I am much too fallen of a soul to even write this to you. You are a pure devotee of Lord Krishna, and just thinking that, I feel so contaminated with sins and desires. Please forgive me for any sins I may have comitted. Sometimes I feel so ignorant of spiritual knowledge.  But that is why you strongly said for us to approach a bona fide spiritual master and also to associate with devotees to fix our conciousness to be Krishna Conciousness.

I should know better that you are still always here for you are in our hearts, in your books, and  also in your murti form in the temples. But yet sometimes I still feel so blind to even see that or understand it. But I have faith that you will show me that you are still here. You have given me little drops of nectar letting me know that. For example, when my guru maharaj, Bhaktimarga Swami left for India, I was feeling severe separation even before he left that day. But then a couple days later, I read in a biography about you that you said to your disciples before you left for India, that your guru is always with them, and that the grandfather always takes care of his spiritual childeren better than the father, so that would make you my grandfather, and I must learn to rely on you for help always even while my guru is physically here in the temple. Thank you for giving me comfort as I was feeling separation from my guru.

I am also concerned about leaving New Remuna Dham. I have to cross the Canadian border to get to the United States for my plane to California. But I stayed longer than Jan. 5th and I hope that the border officers there will still let me pass, and not give me a hard time. I wish to return to New Remuna Dham in April as soon as possible. I am humbly asking you if you can inquire to Lord Krishna into allowing me to return to Toronto wth your blessing and Lord Krishna's blessing. I felt that I could not ask Lord Krishna Himself directly abou this but through you first as only the spiritual master can help one to spiritually advance and receive mercy from Krishna. I love serving the devotees here and my guru, and you, and Lord Krishna here in Toronto. It is where I am happiest. I strongly feel that I can spiritually advance here in New Remuna Dham.
All glories to you!

Your humble servant
~Hari Lila Devi Dasi

Krishnagirl

This morning hadn't started off so great for me. I had woken up with a splitting headache. I had to go lay down and I missed Bhagavatam class due to not feeling well at all. Later in the morning after breakfast I took two asprins which helped. By lunch time I was better and went out for my afternoon hour walk just as my guru instructed me to do.

But there was only one problem with this afternoon's walk. It was snowing really hard, and it was windy. But it wasn't that cold outside. So I chanted my japa and tried to think of Krishna's smiling face to help me to forget the snow and wind. As I was doing that I kept thinking that I was growing very fond of Krishna's blackish complexion.Krishna here at this temple is black, and so is He in Mayapur as well which makes Him very beautiful. My guru has said in his blog at one point that even he likes Krishna when He is black. I especially love how Krishna looks when His face is painted especially around His Lotus Eyes. It makes Him look so beautiful, mystical, and opulant.

As I made my way down Bloor Street, I passed by local department store. There was a gentleman there who was a door greeter. He said hello to me and asked me how I was doing. Then he surprises me by saying "So you are a Krishnagirl?"
"Yes, how did you guess?" I asked
"You have tilak on," he said. I totally forgot I had my tilak on! That made me realize that tilak really does remind one of Krishna, so he got benefit by saying Krishna's name. That also brought a smile to my face and also made me forget about the snow and wind when the gentleman said Krishna's name.
This gentleman said he knew of our local temple. Too bad I didn't have one of our books to give to him at the time. But I invited him to come for prasadam later at 6:30pm. Hopefully he will.

Trusting In Krishna

My guru had told me not to be in anxiety. That is very difficult in my case. I've always been in anxiety and fear for most of my life until I had found refuge in Krishna. But my fear and anxiety is still lingering. I think that is another one of my downfalls in my spiritual life. I know Srila Prabhupada would say to keep chanting...which I am doing the best I can as well.

I still have a fear of leaving this temple, but also trying to return to Canada to come back to this temple. I just hope everything will work out. I read online that if a person doesn't get their passport stamped with a time frame that they are allowed to stay for, then they can remain in Canada for six months. It didn't stay whether or not to notify them. Hopefully by Krishna's causless mercy He will allow me go thru crossing the border without problems and hopefully allow me to return to Canada to continue serivng my Guru Maharaj and His devotees here. That is all I wish to do now. I know I must learn to leave everything in Krishna's hands. He knows my heart better than I do myself since He controls it. I try to think of how Krishna had answered my prayers during the past two months of my stay here in Canada, so I have to have faith in Him again with this. He knows that I can serve Him better here in Canada, but Krishna may throw a twist at me and have me stay in New Vrndavan for more austerity...even though I have been through a lot of austerity there before. Krishna can do with me as He likes. I have to trust in His plan in whatever He does, even if I am in fear. Srila Prabhpada once told me in a dream "Have faith in Krishna." Now's the time to work on that. I felt that this temple has been my safe haven. I felt so protected here and still do. Maybe with this it will force me to think of Krishna more and trust in Him. These last few days of my stay here I will meditate on that. I should email my guru Maharaj about this one also and see what he may say, but I may have to wait since he is busy in India and I do not want to disturb him at the moment. Again, this is where I have to trust in Krishna alone. I found a verse in Ch 4 Text 10 of the Bhagavad Gita and this I should go over for the next few days...

TRANSLATION

Being freed from attachment, fear and anger, being fully absorbed in Me and taking refuge in Me, many, many persons in the past became purifled by knowledge of Me—and thus they all attained transcendental love for Me.

PURPORT

As described above, it is very difficult for a person who is too materially affected to understand the personal nature of the Supreme Absolute Truth. Generally, people who are attached to the bodily conception of life are so absorbed in materialism that it is almost impossible for them to understand that there is a transcendental body which is imperishable, full of knowledge and eternally blissful. In the materialistic concept, the body is perishable, full of ignorance and completely miserable. Therefore, people in general keep this same bodily idea in mind when they are informed of the personal form of the Lord. For such materialistic men, the form of the gigantic material manifestation is supreme. Consequently they consider the Supreme to be impersonal. And because they are too materially absorbed, the conception of retaining the personality after liberation from matter frightens them. When they are informed that spiritual life is also individual and personal, they become afraid of becoming persons again, and so they naturally prefer a kind of merging into the impersonal void. Generally, they compare the living entities to the bubbles of the ocean, which merge into the ocean. That is the highest perfection of spiritual existence attainable without individual personality. This is a kind of fearful stage of life, devoid of perfect knowledge of spiritual existence. Furthermore there are many persons who cannot understand spiritual existence at all. Being embarassed by so many theories and by contradictions of various types of philosophical speculation, they become disgusted or angry and foolishly conclude that there is no supreme cause and that everything is ultimately void. Such people are in a diseased condition of life. Some people are too materially attached and therefore do not give attention to spiritual life, some of them want to merge into the supreme spiritual cause, and some of them disbelieve in everything, being angry at all sorts of spiritual speculation out of hopelessness. This last class of men take to the shelter of some kind of intoxication, and their affective hallucinations are sometimes accepted as spiritual vision. One has to get rid of all three stages of attachment to the material world: negligence of spiritual life, fear of a spiritual personal identity, and the conception of void that underlies the frustration of life. To get free from these three stages of the material concept of life, one has to take complete shelter of the Lord, guided by the bona fide spiritual master, and follow the disciplines and regulative principles of devotional life. The last stage of the devotional life is called bhāva, or transcendental love of Godhead.
According to Bhakti-rasāmṛta-sindhu, the science of devotional service:

ādau śraddhā tataḥ sādhu-saṅgo ’tha bhajana-kriyā
tato ’nartha-nivṛttiḥ syāt tato niṣṭhā rucis tataḥ
athāsaktis tato bhāvas tataḥ premābhyudañcati
sādhakānām ayaṁ premṇaḥ prādurbhāve bhavet kramaḥ.

“In the beginning one must have a preliminary desire for self-realization. This will bring one to the stage of trying to associate with persons who are spiritually elevated. In next stage one becomes initiated by an elevated spiritual master, and under his instruction the neophyte devotee begins the process of devotional service. By execution of devotional service under the guidance of the spiritual master, one becomes free from all material attachment, attains steadiness in self-realization, and acquires a taste for hearing about the Absolute Personality of Godhead, Śrī Kṛṣṇa. This taste leads one further forward to attachment for Kṛṣṇa consciousness, which is matured in bhāva, or the preliminary stage of transcendental love of God. Real love for God is called premā, the highest perfectional stage of life.” In the premā stage there is constant engagement in the transcendental loving service of the Lord. So, by the slow process of devotional service, under the guidance of the bona fide spiritual master, one can attain the highest stage, being freed from all material attachment, from the fearfulness of one’s individual spiritual personality, and from the frustrations resulting from void philosophy. Then one can ultimately attain to the abode of the Supreme Lord.

Cancelled

Nearly everything got pretty much cancelled today. It was raining outside, and I couldn't go outside for my hour walk but I at least walked for an hour in the temple. But this morning my back started to hurt me and by the time my walk was done, I was in pain again. I was supposed to go to a home program but I cancelled on going due to back pain. And knowing what Maharaj would say to me he'd tell me to rest which is what I am doing. The home program would have let out at midnight, and I know that my back would be screaming in pain by then. The weather also effects it as well. So I struggled a lot today with my walk and service but I had to do that much at least. I tried to rest as much as possible.

Today was pretty quiet otherwise. I was almost starting to get teary eyed knowing that it's almost time for me to leave this temple. I don't want to leave sweet Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha. Between Maharaj being in India and now leaving the temple soon is taking it's toll on me. I'm trying my best to be strong about it knowing that I do have a bus ticket to come back to Toronto as long as I don't have a problem crossing the border.
I'll just be sure to have my picture f Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha with me at all times and especially my Lord Nrsimahadeva picture for protection to help me get through this.

Leading Guru Puja and Favorite Srila Prabhupada Past Times

Well this morning Krishna surprised me again. I was not expecting to take the lead role in singing the Guru Puja song. Of course naturally I was nervous as I am singing for a pure devotee of Krishna. I would have been doubly nervous had my own guru Maharaj had been physically standing there hearing me sing it. The devotees wanted me to lead the song this morning. So I did, but I had to have the words in front of me so as not to fumble on it. I hope Srila Prabhupada will forgive me for any offense I may have committed while trying to pronounce some of the words, because my sanskrit is terrible. But at the same time after the song, I felt a bit closer to Srila Prabhupada. I hope I did not disappoint him in any way, I don't think I did. I did feel some comfort from Srila Prabhupada lately. He must know I am suffering separation from my own dear guru Maharaj Bhaktimarga Swami who is currently in India.  I believe it was verification from Srila Prabhupada letting me know he is there when guidance is needed.

So after all this happened I began to read my biography book about Srila Prabhupada. I have a few favorite pasttimes of Srila Prabhupada like I do with Krishna. The one pasttime I read in Prabhupada Nectar Prabhupada asked a devotee "Do you think I am tricky?" And the devotee replies "No I don't." But then Prabhupada said "Yes I am tricky because I have tricked you all into being Krishna Conciousness."

Another favorite past time is when Srila Prabhupada was leaving for India, and his disciples were feeling separation from him. Srila Prabhupada said to his disciples "

I can understand that you are feeling separation, I am feeling for my Guru Maharaja. I think this is what Krishna wants."

And another nice quote from Srila Prabhupada "

I'm going but my Guru Maharaja and Bhaktivinoda are here." He points to his guru's picture. " I have asked them to take care of all of you my spiritual childeren. The grandfather always takes care of the childeren much better than the father. So do not fear. There is no question of separation. The sound vibration fixes us up together, even though the material body may not be there. What do we care for this material body? Just go on chanting Hare Krishna. and we will be packed up together. You will be chanting here and I will be chanting there., and this vibration will circulate the planet."

I wish I could have read those two quotes before my guru left for India but I didn't read it until two days after he left.

 

Another pasttime I found interesting was when Srila Prabhupada was having trouble in Bombay with the land owned by somebody named Mr. N. Mr. N had threatened Prabhupada and his disciples that he was going to demolish their temple. After he said that he had died two weeks later. That proves right there that Krishna does not tolerate any type of threat to His devotees. All glories to Lord Krishna.

 

And lastly there is one more past time of Prabhupada that I liked. After Srila Prabhupada arrived in America he wrote a letter to Krishna saying that Lord Krishna can do with him whatever he likes, and showed so much humbleness to Lord Krishna and Krishna had responded to him immediately because Srila Prabhupada really did have so much devotion to Krishna even though Srila Prabhupada said in his letter that he had no devotion at all. I try to follow that example that Srila Prabhupada had. I do my best to be humble to others. Being puffed up about one's pride or think that they are in control, one can fall down again. I am trying to avoid that downfall as much as possible and render service to my guru and devotees as much as I can.

It does take a lot of self realization to become Krishna Conciousness. Krishna will reveal Himself if one takes Krishna Conciousness seriously and just try to chant His holy names, and render service to a guru. I have personally had my own experiences with this so there is no doubt for me at all that Krishna is God, the Supreme Personality of Godhead, lord of all living entities. But I am the most fallen of souls too. I'm still covered in illusion and I'm no where near a pure devotee like Srila Prabhupada was. Far fromt that. All I can do is continue what I am doing chanting and hearing as Srila Prahupada wanted his disciples to do and also to preach but I'm not good at that one but I'm okay with the rest of the service, chanting, hearing, reading, about Krishna, and also helping to distribute his books too.

 

 

 

 

 

Early Bird/Lord Balarama/Lord Shiva

Today I was early getting up. My cell phone awoke me making feel startled. I looked at my cell phone's time and it read 3:42 and I panicked thinking that I had got up late. But when I looked at my computer's clock it read 2:45am. So I thought eh why not might as well get up anyway. So I got up and took a shower and then started my japa rounds. I had two left to do as soon as Mangal Aarti started.

Seems like everything was done early today, which seemed strange. I had gotten my service done early even closing up Govinda's just a tad bit early, I started getting Govinda's ready early, I went on my walk about ten min early, Bhagavatam class ended early today. So today I felt like an early bird. It felt nice though to have everything done and relax a bit. Madhavendra Puri even made a funny comment to me this morning saying "An early bird are you?" LOL. I love the devotee's sense of humor here in Toronto. I sure will miss that a lot when I'm in California.

So here I am now relaxing as the night comes to a close. I am going to try to squeeze in some reading. For some reason I am in the mood to read about Lord Balarama. I seem to be attracted to Him and I've been thinking about Him lately not sure why but it's okay. I love Him all the same! Not sure what my favorite Lord Balarama story is just yet. My mind drifts to diferent pasttimes of Krishna, sometimes about Lord Chaitanya and then to Lord Nrsimahadeva, and now to Lord Balarama. But at least I am thinking of Krishna and not something stupid that's temporary. Lord Balarama is completely transcendental for He is the Supreme Personality of Godhead because He is an expansion of Lord Krishna.  :)

Tomorrow though is a special day in Iskcon called Shiva Ratri. It means the night of Lord Shiva who is a demigod. I always liked Lord Shiva I thought He was pretty cool just by looking at pictures of Him. He is one of the greatest devotees of Lord Krishna. Lord Brahma is also another great devotee of the Lord. Devotees on this day fast, some don't even drink water on this day to glorify Lord Shiva. I am not sure if I can do something like this or not. I know fasting is good for the body as it gives the stomach a rest from digesting food and clears out the system. Fasting for only one day will not hurt the body. I can probably fast most of the day in honor of Lord Shiva but not sure about all night as I would definately would feel sick by then. But we'll see how it goes tomorrow. I think there is some pasttmes about Lord Shiva in the Krishna book somewhere that I can read tomorrow.