I've been thinking a lot about second initiation, and how much I would love to do things on the altar for Their Lordships Sri Sri Radha and Krishna. I know I am not quite ready yet for second initiation. But it never hurts think about it. Second initiation to me means more surrender to Krishna, which is what I wish to do. I have no interest in living outside the temple, because I fear if I do, Maya(illusion) will attack me. I also have no interest in family life(I don't want to start a family of my own).
This is one reason why I am taking on new servicesto spiritually advance more. Learning to cook, sing, and play musical instruments are the new services I took on. And I just recently started doing Guru Puja Aarti for Srila Prabhupada. So this is helping me fill in the empty spots in my devotional service to Krishna.
I also need to practice sanskrit more too. My sanskrit is improving slowly. I should try to chant the sanskrit in the Bhagavad Gita, but some verses are very difficult for me to chant. Im going to try and set a time everyday if I can to chant sanskrit verses somehow. Seems like around 5pm is when I have free time to do that. I am wondering too if I should ever get second initiation that I would be giving class on Bhagavad Gita or Srimad Bhagavatam if I get better with sanskrit. Im not very good with preaching but maybe someone here can show me how to give class one day. I may inquire to Maharaj about it one day when the time comes.
In the mean time I just hope and pray that Krishna will help me to surrender more unto Him, so that He may allow me to take on second initiation someday. :)
Friday, July 1, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Sunday Program/My Feelings for Sri Sri Radha Ksiracora Gopinatha
Wow what a Sunday program. I didn't go to the one last weekend as I had just gotten back to Toronto and felt very tired from a long trip and trying to get back in at the border. I went to the Sunday program tonight. It was very crowded. The guests are still here and it's 8:45pm. But somehow or other I tried to get to the front. It was hard at the 6pm Aarti as there were alot more guests. There was a bit of pushing and shoving but I did my best to tolerate it. I was grateful I didn't have anyone too tall in front of me so that I can see Sri Sri Radha Ksiracora Gopinatha. The Deities are looking more and more beautiful each time I see Them. And more and more I am falling in love with Sri Sri Radha Ksiracora Gopinatha.
This morning during Mangal Aarti, I noticed that Lord Krishna had a sweet smile on His face. And even Srimate Radharani too. It brought a smile to my own face. In the morning five minutes before the doors open, I always get anxious to see Sri Sri Radha Ksiracora Gopinatha, sometimes I get very impatient because I am desparate to see Them. It's probably becuase I get the fear that I may not get to see Them again after I get back to the United States and I am trying to relish every moment being with Sri Sri Radha Ksiracora Gopinatha.
At the 8pm Aarti I did managed to get up front this time. It was much better and not as much pushing or shoving around. And I love the part near the end of the Aarti when the Pujaris hand out the flowers and fruits from the altar. It felt like being at the end of the concert where some musicians do hand out free stuff to the crowd in the front. Sri Sri Radha Ksiracora Gopinatha were merciful again to me. They let me have one of Their apples from Their altar. Not sure which one I got if it was Krishna's or Radha's but either way I felt very very fortunate that They were so merciful.
Lately, every time I do go to Aartis to see Sri Sri Radha Ksiracora Gopinatha I feel so peaceful. No stress, no anxiety, no negativity even exist. I just feel so relaxed being with Them. Everytime I see Lord Krishna's Lotus Feet and Lotus Eyes, I feel as though all material desires, feelings of being pressured, lamentation, negativity and everything else just vanishes. I can't understand why I couldn't feel this way in New Vrndavan. That saddens me in a way that I couldn't feel the same there. Maybe one day again I'll get the same feelings there as I do here in Toronto. But for now I'm just so attached to Sri Sri Radha Ksiracora Gopinatha. I found an old photo of Them in the gift shop that was only 25 cents or something like that. It's a really pretty photo of Them. Im going to try to get as many pics of Sri Sri Radha Ksiracora Gopinatha before I go back the United States in December so that I can alway see Them and feel peaceful when I see Their Lotus Faces. Even my shyness also goes away when I see Sri Sri Radha Ksiracora Gopinatha. Now Im trying to get the courage to try and sing for them in the evening during the last Aarti or something like that. Eventually it will happen. I just need to learn how to play that harmonium so that I can sing better that way. For now i'll just have to use kartals. :)
There's just no question about it. Sri Sri Radha Ksiracora Gopinatha are my favorite Deities and always will be forever in my life. They mean the world to me now and They send light in my life when things get dark. I'll have to take breaks during service tomorrow to go to the Aartis to see Them. I feel I need to see Them every moment and that way maya can't attack me. Maya can just go away and go bug someone else! :D
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Absorbing My Mind In Krishna
Lately I've been trying to force my mind to think of Krishna and to avoid mundane talk or mundane thoughts. It is very difficult however being a very conditioned and fallen soul. I want to remember Krishna always...but at times my mind doesn't want to. I was reading some helpful hints in the book called "Japa" by Bhurijana Dasa. It's a really good book to help control the unsteady mind.
Being here with Sri Sri Radha Ksira Cora Gopinatha is helping keeping my mind totally fixed on Krishna. More realizations are pouring in like rain. I didn't have as many realizations in New Vrndavan but maybe when I do go back there I will. Maybe I'll be inspired again in New Vrndavan. But we'll see what Krishna arranges in where He wants me to go.
Service, more chanting, and more reading are the top keys I have found in remembering Krishna constantly. I would like to know how the previous Archaryas had managed to stay awake nearly 24 hours a day doing service for Krishna and constantly remembering Him. I wish I could do that, but I am very unfortunate that my mind does not allow me to. In the book "Japa" it was stated that one should try to disobey the mind to keep remembering Krishna. That is a tough one to do. This morning for example, I was so very tired from the program last night. I had forced myself to get up for Mangal Aarti, and forced myself to stay awake during japa. I tried to ignore my mind in what it wants to do. But Krishna is right, the mind is very very difficult to control due to maya (illusion) and material desires.
I have several things to work on, negativity, low self esteem, etc. I have to work on one at a time. Although I don't feel as negative when Im here. I feel the difference here with being a lot more positive. A lot of it has to do with my Guru Maharaj's influence. His association is a big help in keeping me positive. Also other devotees here are so kind and merciful. I've not had not one problem with anyone here. I know I will have challenges here though. Nothing in this world will always be a bed of roses.
Im happy I was able to record the classes and kirtans my guru Maharaj gave. i've been listening and watching them a lot lately to also keep my mind absorbed in Krishna. This evening while I was helping in the Govinda's Restaurant, I sat there reading the Krishna Book, and then I chanted four extra rounds. Yesterday I learned that all the Archaryas in the movement including my own guru Maharaj has to chant 64 rounds a day. I thought "wow" I wonder if I'll ever chant that many rounds?But one should not push one's self so fast otherwise one may fall down. That is one thing I want to do. Is to get more attracted to chanting Krishna's Holy Names. Chanting more will do that. But I should probably increase rounds slowly and not too fast.
I also asked my guru Maharaj a question the other day about being strict in spiritual life. He said it's good to be strict but not to the point to where you cannot handle it. In my experiences with senior devotees and devotees who are twice initiatied all have different levels of strictness in them. And they also have different opinions too to help stay in Krishna Conciousness. It's a bit overwhelming for me but I am training msyelf not to get so overwhelmed easily.
But overall I feel that I am doing a lot better since I came back to Toronto's temple. And being in Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha's presence is most welcoming, peaceful, and helps me to stay calm and makes me want to serve Them more. They have been so merciful to me. They are giving me some sort of service to do everyday. I was thinking this as I was cleaning up the restaurant. I was thinking "I love doing this service for Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha" I always want to serve Them somehow or other. I also need to try to go to every Aarti but sometimes I can't always due to some services that have to be done. But tomorrow I'll try to.
All glories to Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha. I know They will help me stay absorbed in Krishna Conciousness.
Being here with Sri Sri Radha Ksira Cora Gopinatha is helping keeping my mind totally fixed on Krishna. More realizations are pouring in like rain. I didn't have as many realizations in New Vrndavan but maybe when I do go back there I will. Maybe I'll be inspired again in New Vrndavan. But we'll see what Krishna arranges in where He wants me to go.
Service, more chanting, and more reading are the top keys I have found in remembering Krishna constantly. I would like to know how the previous Archaryas had managed to stay awake nearly 24 hours a day doing service for Krishna and constantly remembering Him. I wish I could do that, but I am very unfortunate that my mind does not allow me to. In the book "Japa" it was stated that one should try to disobey the mind to keep remembering Krishna. That is a tough one to do. This morning for example, I was so very tired from the program last night. I had forced myself to get up for Mangal Aarti, and forced myself to stay awake during japa. I tried to ignore my mind in what it wants to do. But Krishna is right, the mind is very very difficult to control due to maya (illusion) and material desires.
I have several things to work on, negativity, low self esteem, etc. I have to work on one at a time. Although I don't feel as negative when Im here. I feel the difference here with being a lot more positive. A lot of it has to do with my Guru Maharaj's influence. His association is a big help in keeping me positive. Also other devotees here are so kind and merciful. I've not had not one problem with anyone here. I know I will have challenges here though. Nothing in this world will always be a bed of roses.
Im happy I was able to record the classes and kirtans my guru Maharaj gave. i've been listening and watching them a lot lately to also keep my mind absorbed in Krishna. This evening while I was helping in the Govinda's Restaurant, I sat there reading the Krishna Book, and then I chanted four extra rounds. Yesterday I learned that all the Archaryas in the movement including my own guru Maharaj has to chant 64 rounds a day. I thought "wow" I wonder if I'll ever chant that many rounds?But one should not push one's self so fast otherwise one may fall down. That is one thing I want to do. Is to get more attracted to chanting Krishna's Holy Names. Chanting more will do that. But I should probably increase rounds slowly and not too fast.
I also asked my guru Maharaj a question the other day about being strict in spiritual life. He said it's good to be strict but not to the point to where you cannot handle it. In my experiences with senior devotees and devotees who are twice initiatied all have different levels of strictness in them. And they also have different opinions too to help stay in Krishna Conciousness. It's a bit overwhelming for me but I am training msyelf not to get so overwhelmed easily.
But overall I feel that I am doing a lot better since I came back to Toronto's temple. And being in Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha's presence is most welcoming, peaceful, and helps me to stay calm and makes me want to serve Them more. They have been so merciful to me. They are giving me some sort of service to do everyday. I was thinking this as I was cleaning up the restaurant. I was thinking "I love doing this service for Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha" I always want to serve Them somehow or other. I also need to try to go to every Aarti but sometimes I can't always due to some services that have to be done. But tomorrow I'll try to.
All glories to Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha. I know They will help me stay absorbed in Krishna Conciousness.
Trip to Scarborough Temple
Last night I went with maharaj Sri Kanta, and Mahavendra Puri and a mataji whose name is Bhaktin Linda to Scarborough's local temple that is about 20 minutes away. It felt nice to be back there again. Someone named Haridas was celebrating his 18th birthday that night while Maharaj was there. Maharaj had let him pick out a Bhagavad Gita verse to read from. Maharaj read from Ch. 12 in the Bhagavad Gita. His class lasted for about an hour. I have it all on video and audio. This way I have something to fall back on for devotional listening or watching something on DVD.
After the class, Maharaj gave his flower garland to Haridas. Such wonderful mercy Haridas had received from Maharaj. :) Then Maharaj led a fabulous kirtan which I only recorded on audio. The Deities they have at this temple are very cute. They are small but still very beautiful and elegent. I remember when I first came to this temple earlier in the year in Janurary only a day or two after my initiaition. I liked being there. Everyone is so friendly and open with one another. A few devotees remembered me from the last time I visited. I mostly chatted with Bhaktin Linda though during the time we had prasadam. The prasadm was pretty good although I did not eat any subji due to the spices but they had fruits and sweets and I had some rice too.
I took some photos too after the program. I took some after maharaj gave class and during the kirtan. And when we were about to leave I got a really cute photo of Maharaj with a little boy. Maharaj really loves being around childeren. I believe childeren are the ones that keep him feeling young. I hope that more childeren will be able to see Maharaj in the future so that they will get benefit from him.
Here are a few of the photos I took of last night's program.
After the class, Maharaj gave his flower garland to Haridas. Such wonderful mercy Haridas had received from Maharaj. :) Then Maharaj led a fabulous kirtan which I only recorded on audio. The Deities they have at this temple are very cute. They are small but still very beautiful and elegent. I remember when I first came to this temple earlier in the year in Janurary only a day or two after my initiaition. I liked being there. Everyone is so friendly and open with one another. A few devotees remembered me from the last time I visited. I mostly chatted with Bhaktin Linda though during the time we had prasadam. The prasadm was pretty good although I did not eat any subji due to the spices but they had fruits and sweets and I had some rice too.
I took some photos too after the program. I took some after maharaj gave class and during the kirtan. And when we were about to leave I got a really cute photo of Maharaj with a little boy. Maharaj really loves being around childeren. I believe childeren are the ones that keep him feeling young. I hope that more childeren will be able to see Maharaj in the future so that they will get benefit from him.
Here are a few of the photos I took of last night's program.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Krishna Must Have Heard Me
Well yesterday afternoon another realization hit me in the head. I sat in Govinda's taking over for my godbrother Deva Datta in watching the restaurant. And then afterwards I went to take rest for an hour as I was tired and my back was hurting me.
So it was around 5pm that this realization came to me. I was finishing the last of my rounds. I had about three left to finish. About ten minutes after I had finished my last round, Maharaj pages me on the temple's phone. He had some more service for me to do for him. He wanted me to answer some emails for him. The Hare Krishna Maha Mantra means that one is asking to stay in Krishna's pure devotional service to Him. So it hit me then after 10 minutes of finishing my last round was when Maharaj needed me to do that service for him. So I believe Krishna answered me quickly in doing service for Him and His exalted devotee.
Also before I came back to Toronto, Krishna knew how much I wanted to serve Him in the temple there in His form as Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha. I felt like I had gone through withdrawl there for the past three months I had been gone from Their temple. So I had not only Maharaj come to me asking me to do seva but few other devotees as well. Im sitting here thinking, Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha have been so incredibly kind to me in fulling my desire in wanting to serve Them. I believe the more service I can do for Them the more I can become attached to Them.I already feel very attached to Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha. The thing I have to train myself with, is when the time comes for me to head back to the United States is that They are always with me. I have gotten a couple of pictures to take with me so hopefully always keeping a picture of Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha will help ease the pain of separation from Them. Although Krishna increases the pain of separation to force us to think of Him more and surrender more to Him.
But the main point of it all is, I believe Krishna had heard me chanting His Holy Name and answered me quickly. I am so suprised that He answered a fallen soul and rascal like me. Im such a sinful person, but yet Krishna is still kind and allows me to serve His devotees. :) Krishna knows everything, He can see everything and read our minds and hearts before we even do something. I know whatever we do in this life is due to our past karma in our past lives. He knows we are prone to make mistakes in our Bhakti, because we are conditioned. But if we chant sincerly He will answer and He will hear you like He did with me this afternoon. I hope this will help my conciousness even more. I pray to Krishna to continue letting me get realizations like this to help me surrender more unto Him. :) I also pray that other devotees like myself will also experience this of Krishna actually hearing them chant His Names and then He will respond to them.
So it was around 5pm that this realization came to me. I was finishing the last of my rounds. I had about three left to finish. About ten minutes after I had finished my last round, Maharaj pages me on the temple's phone. He had some more service for me to do for him. He wanted me to answer some emails for him. The Hare Krishna Maha Mantra means that one is asking to stay in Krishna's pure devotional service to Him. So it hit me then after 10 minutes of finishing my last round was when Maharaj needed me to do that service for him. So I believe Krishna answered me quickly in doing service for Him and His exalted devotee.
Also before I came back to Toronto, Krishna knew how much I wanted to serve Him in the temple there in His form as Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha. I felt like I had gone through withdrawl there for the past three months I had been gone from Their temple. So I had not only Maharaj come to me asking me to do seva but few other devotees as well. Im sitting here thinking, Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha have been so incredibly kind to me in fulling my desire in wanting to serve Them. I believe the more service I can do for Them the more I can become attached to Them.I already feel very attached to Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha. The thing I have to train myself with, is when the time comes for me to head back to the United States is that They are always with me. I have gotten a couple of pictures to take with me so hopefully always keeping a picture of Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha will help ease the pain of separation from Them. Although Krishna increases the pain of separation to force us to think of Him more and surrender more to Him.
But the main point of it all is, I believe Krishna had heard me chanting His Holy Name and answered me quickly. I am so suprised that He answered a fallen soul and rascal like me. Im such a sinful person, but yet Krishna is still kind and allows me to serve His devotees. :) Krishna knows everything, He can see everything and read our minds and hearts before we even do something. I know whatever we do in this life is due to our past karma in our past lives. He knows we are prone to make mistakes in our Bhakti, because we are conditioned. But if we chant sincerly He will answer and He will hear you like He did with me this afternoon. I hope this will help my conciousness even more. I pray to Krishna to continue letting me get realizations like this to help me surrender more unto Him. :) I also pray that other devotees like myself will also experience this of Krishna actually hearing them chant His Names and then He will respond to them.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Nice Seva
Today I had gotten some nice service. During japa this morning Maharaj wanted me to type out his blog which I enjoyed doing. And I liked what his blog was about. It was about some devotees he had emailed or talked to on the phone that are struggling in KC. Maharaj simply said in his blog "Don't give up" no matter how bad it gets. Krishna does put us through trials, and He does it on purpose just to see how much we will surrender to Him. I've had this experience myself and Im still struggling to see that. I am trying to understand that He wants me to surrender more to Him and His way of teaching me to be detached. So I have trouble with three things. Negativity, Low Self Esteem, and Attachement. Im okay with everything else.
Then later on Maharaj wanted me to send some photos to one of the matajis by email from his trip in 2003. Unfortunately the DVD he gave to me to download the photos, it is a dvd used for a Mac computer and I cannot download anything to email the photos. So I feel really bad about it. I hope Maharaj won't be too disappointed. :( I really wanted to help him with this service. But I found another devotee who can help with that service.
And lastly I went into the kitchen today to help make a fruit salad, and washed the dishes for Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha. Im loving it even more by doing that little bit of seva for Them. And I talked with Hara Kumar this morning about service to Tulasi. He has to get a key made for me to go in and help take care of Her. He said that I can give Her a spray bath every day except Wednesday and I can clean Her room. Such nice service there for Tulasi and Maharaj wanted me to continue serve Her.
Later this afternoon I also have to watch Govinda's restaurant for an hour. :) So today's services have been both easy and challenging. But I love the service for Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha.And also I have to make sure that the dishes are caught up so that there is no more dishes in the sink.
It's been a very full day of seva. Im happy I was able to help serve Maharaj for a time and Mahavendra Puri. Krishna says "One is not a devotee unless he or she serves His devotees."
Then later on Maharaj wanted me to send some photos to one of the matajis by email from his trip in 2003. Unfortunately the DVD he gave to me to download the photos, it is a dvd used for a Mac computer and I cannot download anything to email the photos. So I feel really bad about it. I hope Maharaj won't be too disappointed. :( I really wanted to help him with this service. But I found another devotee who can help with that service.
And lastly I went into the kitchen today to help make a fruit salad, and washed the dishes for Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha. Im loving it even more by doing that little bit of seva for Them. And I talked with Hara Kumar this morning about service to Tulasi. He has to get a key made for me to go in and help take care of Her. He said that I can give Her a spray bath every day except Wednesday and I can clean Her room. Such nice service there for Tulasi and Maharaj wanted me to continue serve Her.
Later this afternoon I also have to watch Govinda's restaurant for an hour. :) So today's services have been both easy and challenging. But I love the service for Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha.And also I have to make sure that the dishes are caught up so that there is no more dishes in the sink.
It's been a very full day of seva. Im happy I was able to help serve Maharaj for a time and Mahavendra Puri. Krishna says "One is not a devotee unless he or she serves His devotees."
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Sri Sri Radha KsiraChor Gopinatha stole my heart away.
I was at the last darshan tonight. Wow. Sri Sri Radha Ksira Chor Gopinatha have completely stolen my heart away. And what's funny is that the word "chor" means steal and Ksira means "sweet rice" So it meas that Krishna likes to steal sweet rice. However in my case Krishna had stolen my heart by being in this Deity form of Radha Ksira Chor Gopinatha. I literally could not take my eyes off of Them tonight. I kept looking at Krishna's Lotus Feet, His Flute, His Eyes, His Smile, just everything. I dont' know if it's because I was initiated in front of Radha Gopinatha or if it's because Maharaj stays in this temple, or what. It could be all of the above.
Srimate Radharani still takes my breath away. She's absolutely gorgeous. I can see why that pleases Krishna so much on how pretty She looks for Him.
Today their outfit was red, yellow, and green. I absolutely LOVED Krishna's turban! And His outfit alone just made Him shine brighter than the sun. Same with Srimate Radharani.
See how beautiful They are? I was totally captured by Krishna's Lotus Face. As I was there watching the Aarti, I nearly had tears in my eyes. I kept thinking that I NEVER want to leave Them again. I cannot bear to be without Them. I just can't. I don't know if I could even survive without Them. I feel so close now with Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha. I think a lot of it does have to do with Maharaj's influence. He wanted me to have more love for Krishna and that's what he said at my initiation. Well I think that is happening now as it is with Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha. After Gopinatha means Lord of the Gopis an that means Krishna attracts the Gopis. So in a way He is attracting me with that name. I love that name "Lord Gopinatha." Sounds so mystical.
So here it is 9:46pm and I am not sleepy. My mind is so absorbed in Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha, just anxious to get ready to greet Them in the morning. I always take photos of Them. And I enjoy doing that so that I can have different wallpapers to put on my desktop.
Whatever Krishna has in store for me in the future I just hope He will allow me to continue serving Him here in Toronto always.
Srimate Radharani still takes my breath away. She's absolutely gorgeous. I can see why that pleases Krishna so much on how pretty She looks for Him.
Today their outfit was red, yellow, and green. I absolutely LOVED Krishna's turban! And His outfit alone just made Him shine brighter than the sun. Same with Srimate Radharani.
See how beautiful They are? I was totally captured by Krishna's Lotus Face. As I was there watching the Aarti, I nearly had tears in my eyes. I kept thinking that I NEVER want to leave Them again. I cannot bear to be without Them. I just can't. I don't know if I could even survive without Them. I feel so close now with Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha. I think a lot of it does have to do with Maharaj's influence. He wanted me to have more love for Krishna and that's what he said at my initiation. Well I think that is happening now as it is with Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha. After Gopinatha means Lord of the Gopis an that means Krishna attracts the Gopis. So in a way He is attracting me with that name. I love that name "Lord Gopinatha." Sounds so mystical.
So here it is 9:46pm and I am not sleepy. My mind is so absorbed in Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha, just anxious to get ready to greet Them in the morning. I always take photos of Them. And I enjoy doing that so that I can have different wallpapers to put on my desktop.
Whatever Krishna has in store for me in the future I just hope He will allow me to continue serving Him here in Toronto always.
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