I think my guru Maharaj pretty much cured me from the disease of wanting to see my other so called favorite musicians in concert. That is another thing Srila Prabhupada is right about. Once one surrenders fully into Krishna Conciousness one's material desires will fade away, with the help of a bona fide guru. So there's very little left of any material desires I have left in me except watching movies, but other than that Im pretty much good on everything else.
For example, I have no desire for a job and work day and night like I used to at the last job I had, I have no desire to get married and get tied down to family life, I have no desire to gamble or have sex like most people my age do, and I have no desire to eat meat fish or eggs anymore that are bad for your health and I have no desire for intoxication like drugs and alcohol, caffeine etc. Now it's just the little things I am working on like listening to karmi music and watching movies while Im out visiting family but that may take awhile longer yet.
It's only 5 more days left until the Festival of Inspiration. Its like waiting to see your favorite rock band or musician in concert but this is 1000 times better. Why spend thousands of dollars to see them when if you have a guru Maharaj you can listen to him for free and something that is transcendental? And better yet he sings the Holy Names of Krishna with ecasty. That is why it's a lot better than a regular concert that people go to. At least hearing the Holy Name can be for free with talented devotees who lead kirtan and then get one can get hooked on to the Holy Name of Krishna. So I have no need to see my other favorite musicians out there now. I have seen them once and it's good enough. With my guru Maharaj's kirtans, I certainly don't need to go to a regular concert anymore or some Beatles fest to listen to other people sing Beatles songs.
Now do not get confused with this, I still listen to George Harrison. He has brought me to Krishna so I will still always love George no matter what. George is a devotee that is what makes him different from the other musicians that I like and I will always listen to George. So those of you who think I will get tired of George...you are all wrong! I never will get tired of George. He inspires me with my spiritual life. He is still a major part of me.
So I am hoping with Krishna's Mercy the rest of my material desires will vanish in the up coming years ahead, before this life time is over.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
A Break From the Rain
Wow today was very pretty. The skies were clear with few clouds in the sky. The wind had a bit of a chill in it but still a very nice breeze. Im glad we got a break from the rain. I was getting sick of seeing rain everyday this week. I kept wondering where the sun was. Krishna was merciful and let it be sunny out today. So I spent two hours outside reading and chanting.
In the morning though I had to clean the pujari room and do the 12:30pm Deity plate transfer, and then lunch afterwards. So it was kind of a quiet day. Today is Ekadashi. I fasted until 12 noon at least. Ekadashi is meant to fast and also to read and chant more about Krishna which I did the best I could.
Around 2:45pm this afternoon I gathered up some of my books and put them into my black duffel bag, grabbed my purple sweater hoodie, and croc shoes and headed outside to the pond where there are two small pavilions that have a bench to sit on over looking the pond. I sat and read for the first hour. I read from the Krishna Book and then Nectar of Devotion. Around 3:45pm I started chanting my rounds. I managed to chant 26 rounds total. I may do some more this evening while I wait for the 8:30 darshan.
As I was chanting by the pond, the wind moved the water into big and little ripples and the sun's light reflected on it as the water moved which made it as pretty as a picture. But then my mind drifted to Krishna's pasttimes. I stared out into the middle of the lake. As the water was starting to turn up more as the wind blew, I tried to see Krishna dancing on Kaliya the Serpent's head feriously. How I wish I could see that physically but one has to meditate on it in order to see that pasttime. Then farther toward on the other side of the pond was a tree right on the edge by the pond with it's low branches almost touching the ground. So I thought of another pasttime of Krishna when He was stealing the gopis clothes. I tried to 'see' Krishna sitting on that branch coaxing the gopis to come out of the water. And then there is another past time I read about when Krishna and Arjuna were drinking water along the Yamuna Bank and saw a young girl walking alone. She wanted Krishna for her husband. And just now now another nice pasttime came to me of when Balaram was about to punish the River Yamuna for disobeying His order and She came in human form and begged Him forgiveness for Her offense for not obeying Him.
As I was sitting outside the air helped to clear my head some. And then a few realizations set in too. This afternoon before lunch time I was reading the pasttimes about Lord Krishna's close personal friend and eternal servitor Uddhava. He went to go visit the Gopis in Vrndavan while Krishna was away in Mathura. The Gopis felt severe separation from Krishna so Krishna had sent Uddhava to them to pacify them. I read something that caught my eye and made me realize something. I wonder if this is what Krishna is trying to teach me. I read in that very chapter,that the Gopis have tried their best to be happy when they were in disappointment when they found that Krishna did not return to them. So I am wondering if I am put into this same position of when I could not return to Krishna in Toronto, but I had to return to Him here in New Vrndavan. I should read that chapter over again and see how the Gopis had worked it out in being happy while being disappointed. I also read the chapter about how Krishna pleases His devotees according to their surrender to Him. Another thought popped into my head. I am not sure how Krishna wants me to surrender to Him more. But hopefully He'll reveal that to me in the future.
In the morning though I had to clean the pujari room and do the 12:30pm Deity plate transfer, and then lunch afterwards. So it was kind of a quiet day. Today is Ekadashi. I fasted until 12 noon at least. Ekadashi is meant to fast and also to read and chant more about Krishna which I did the best I could.
Around 2:45pm this afternoon I gathered up some of my books and put them into my black duffel bag, grabbed my purple sweater hoodie, and croc shoes and headed outside to the pond where there are two small pavilions that have a bench to sit on over looking the pond. I sat and read for the first hour. I read from the Krishna Book and then Nectar of Devotion. Around 3:45pm I started chanting my rounds. I managed to chant 26 rounds total. I may do some more this evening while I wait for the 8:30 darshan.
As I was chanting by the pond, the wind moved the water into big and little ripples and the sun's light reflected on it as the water moved which made it as pretty as a picture. But then my mind drifted to Krishna's pasttimes. I stared out into the middle of the lake. As the water was starting to turn up more as the wind blew, I tried to see Krishna dancing on Kaliya the Serpent's head feriously. How I wish I could see that physically but one has to meditate on it in order to see that pasttime. Then farther toward on the other side of the pond was a tree right on the edge by the pond with it's low branches almost touching the ground. So I thought of another pasttime of Krishna when He was stealing the gopis clothes. I tried to 'see' Krishna sitting on that branch coaxing the gopis to come out of the water. And then there is another past time I read about when Krishna and Arjuna were drinking water along the Yamuna Bank and saw a young girl walking alone. She wanted Krishna for her husband. And just now now another nice pasttime came to me of when Balaram was about to punish the River Yamuna for disobeying His order and She came in human form and begged Him forgiveness for Her offense for not obeying Him.
As I was sitting outside the air helped to clear my head some. And then a few realizations set in too. This afternoon before lunch time I was reading the pasttimes about Lord Krishna's close personal friend and eternal servitor Uddhava. He went to go visit the Gopis in Vrndavan while Krishna was away in Mathura. The Gopis felt severe separation from Krishna so Krishna had sent Uddhava to them to pacify them. I read something that caught my eye and made me realize something. I wonder if this is what Krishna is trying to teach me. I read in that very chapter,that the Gopis have tried their best to be happy when they were in disappointment when they found that Krishna did not return to them. So I am wondering if I am put into this same position of when I could not return to Krishna in Toronto, but I had to return to Him here in New Vrndavan. I should read that chapter over again and see how the Gopis had worked it out in being happy while being disappointed. I also read the chapter about how Krishna pleases His devotees according to their surrender to Him. Another thought popped into my head. I am not sure how Krishna wants me to surrender to Him more. But hopefully He'll reveal that to me in the future.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Early Morning Japa Walk
Well I finally managed to squeeze in an early morning japa walk. I went out at 6:15am and walked around the pond for about 45 minutes. The sun was just coming up and over through the trees. It was a warm morning too not chilly. It wasn't too cold and not too hot. There was a light morning breeze in the air too. As I walked up the path I saw a swan swimming in the pond, and heard the peacocks crowing. All the peacocks seemed like they were greeting each other in the early morning which I thought was kind of cute. I saw two other devotees out walking on the path too. As I headed up by the cabins I saw three deers on the left hand side grazing through the trees. They stopped to look at me. One of them seemed a bit afraid of me but the other two just stood there looking at me with curiosity. The morning got a bit prettier as the sun was coming up. It was nice and quiet outside for chanting. I can see why Maharaj prefers to go out early in the morning becuase it's quiet and not noisy. And on my last time walking around the pond by the cabins, I saw all the peacocks walking together in a group. Most of them were females because they had a lot of white and gray on them. The males are the blue and green ones. They were still cute though. They didn't run from me they just walked a little fast to move away. They weren't that afraid. They are used to people since people come everyday especially during the summertime. I had to stop after 45 minutes as my back was really starting to hurt me and I didn't want to put too much strain on my back. But I have to try and warm up for japa walks when Maharaj gets here. I wanted to walk up to the Palace of Gold today but it rained again this afternoon so I was unable to go. It's done nothing but rain ever since I came back to New Vrndavan but then again April is the rainest season I guess. As the old saying goes "April Showers Bring May Flowers."
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Youth Bhajan
Tonight there was a youth bhajan. I hadn't gone to it since I came back from California. Tonight was my first time attending the bhajan. It was really more of a mixed group at the bhajans but there were some much younger devotees than me leading kirtans most of them looked a few years older than me though.
But it was nice to sit in and listen to the different melodies of the Holy Name. The melodies were quite mellow as it was happening in the evening around 7:30 till 9pm. They got pretty ecstatic towards the end. It felt nice to be with younger people and a few who seemed liked they were around my age kind of anyways.
I was also sitting there thinking "Maharaj would have told me to attend this." So in a way it was like mana seva for Maharaj following his instructions. So next Tuesday I will attend the bhajan. The youth bhajan is a new thing they started for Tuesday nights. They never had this before even before winter started. So there had been changes made while I was away. It's just happening very very slowly.
The kirtan lasted for an hour and a half. I tried to sit on the rugs against a pillar to support my back as I cannot sit on the floor for too long. Amazingly I wasn't in that much pain but towards the end I was starting to feel it. But I had a nice time chanting Krishna's Names. It was relaxing in a way to relieve the tension I've been feeling lately at the temple. Mandakini was with me too at the bhajan and Bhaktin Shannon was too for about a half hour. I am not sure if I'll ever lead a kirtan as I am not so good with melodies nor is my singing voice that great. I can only lead Lord Nrsimahadeva prayers pretty well by myself but as far as everything else not really. I have trouble with Tulasi melody, thought I sing to Her every night as I do evening Aarti for Her. I was way off key though tonight for some reason. I have good nights and not so good nights I guess.
But maybe now after this youth bhajan I'll be a little more inspired. And also we'll see how Mangal Aarti goes tomorrow too hopefully that will get a bit more ecstatic too.
But it was nice to sit in and listen to the different melodies of the Holy Name. The melodies were quite mellow as it was happening in the evening around 7:30 till 9pm. They got pretty ecstatic towards the end. It felt nice to be with younger people and a few who seemed liked they were around my age kind of anyways.
I was also sitting there thinking "Maharaj would have told me to attend this." So in a way it was like mana seva for Maharaj following his instructions. So next Tuesday I will attend the bhajan. The youth bhajan is a new thing they started for Tuesday nights. They never had this before even before winter started. So there had been changes made while I was away. It's just happening very very slowly.
The kirtan lasted for an hour and a half. I tried to sit on the rugs against a pillar to support my back as I cannot sit on the floor for too long. Amazingly I wasn't in that much pain but towards the end I was starting to feel it. But I had a nice time chanting Krishna's Names. It was relaxing in a way to relieve the tension I've been feeling lately at the temple. Mandakini was with me too at the bhajan and Bhaktin Shannon was too for about a half hour. I am not sure if I'll ever lead a kirtan as I am not so good with melodies nor is my singing voice that great. I can only lead Lord Nrsimahadeva prayers pretty well by myself but as far as everything else not really. I have trouble with Tulasi melody, thought I sing to Her every night as I do evening Aarti for Her. I was way off key though tonight for some reason. I have good nights and not so good nights I guess.
But maybe now after this youth bhajan I'll be a little more inspired. And also we'll see how Mangal Aarti goes tomorrow too hopefully that will get a bit more ecstatic too.
Read Read Read
When you are stuck inside on a rainy day, all one can do is either chant more or read for most of the day after service is finished.
One thing about me when I was younger, I always loved to read stuff. I could read anything I could get my hands on. But in 2007 was when I started getting my hands on to transcendental literature that Srila Prabhupada wrote. I guess after I kept reading more about George Harrison's spiritual life from the book Here Comes the Sun by Joshua M. Greene, inspired me even more about Krishna Conciousness. So I randomly ordered books from the library by Srila Prabhupada. And till this day I am still reading them even more so now that I am an initiated devotee.
Today I started off reading a bit from the Bhagavad Gita. I am on Chapter 4 now. And then later in the day I picked up The Nectar of Devotion, and then read from The Path of Perfection just this afternoon. Yesterday and the day before I was reading the Teachings of Lord Kapila. Not sure which book is really my favorite. I just like them all. That is what I've been doing a lot lately or trying to do is read Srila Prabhupada's books when I am not doing service. The Teachings of Lord Kapila and the Path of Perfection both explain the importance of Bhakti-Yoga which is the highest yoga because it helps one to return to Krishna in the end. That is what I've been studying lately on how to improve it. I've been trying to a little extra service here and there even though what I can do is limited due to my bad back at the moment. I am not sure if I should attempt to do gardening because that's a lot of bending over which hurts my back after awhile. More devotees are coming in to do service so there may not be a whole lot to do once they come in. Hopefully when my guru Maharaj gets here I can help him with some service in whatever he needs done to keep me busy.
What I am trying to do is to control my senses like feeling sleepy and stuff like that. Krishna says the mind is difficult to control due to maya or illusion. I pretty much have everyhing else controlled like following the 4 regulative principles. That's easy for me to follow. Sleepiness is the biggest one Im working on right now. Even after I go out walking I still get sleepy. Maybe it's because of my diet. Eating here in New Vrndavan is difficult for me so maybe that is why I am having trouble. So that is why I sort of picked up The Path of Perfection to see what I can do to conquer this feeling.
My guru Maharaj told me to do some extra reading so I am taking in this opportunity now to do a lot of reading and I don't mind it. The Teachings of Lord Kapila and the Path of Perfection seem to get my attention most of the time now not sure what it is about those two books, but there is probably something in there that I am trying to find the answer to. Soon as I figure it out hopefully I'll have more realizations to share. but for now Im just going to read read read. :D
One thing about me when I was younger, I always loved to read stuff. I could read anything I could get my hands on. But in 2007 was when I started getting my hands on to transcendental literature that Srila Prabhupada wrote. I guess after I kept reading more about George Harrison's spiritual life from the book Here Comes the Sun by Joshua M. Greene, inspired me even more about Krishna Conciousness. So I randomly ordered books from the library by Srila Prabhupada. And till this day I am still reading them even more so now that I am an initiated devotee.
Today I started off reading a bit from the Bhagavad Gita. I am on Chapter 4 now. And then later in the day I picked up The Nectar of Devotion, and then read from The Path of Perfection just this afternoon. Yesterday and the day before I was reading the Teachings of Lord Kapila. Not sure which book is really my favorite. I just like them all. That is what I've been doing a lot lately or trying to do is read Srila Prabhupada's books when I am not doing service. The Teachings of Lord Kapila and the Path of Perfection both explain the importance of Bhakti-Yoga which is the highest yoga because it helps one to return to Krishna in the end. That is what I've been studying lately on how to improve it. I've been trying to a little extra service here and there even though what I can do is limited due to my bad back at the moment. I am not sure if I should attempt to do gardening because that's a lot of bending over which hurts my back after awhile. More devotees are coming in to do service so there may not be a whole lot to do once they come in. Hopefully when my guru Maharaj gets here I can help him with some service in whatever he needs done to keep me busy.
What I am trying to do is to control my senses like feeling sleepy and stuff like that. Krishna says the mind is difficult to control due to maya or illusion. I pretty much have everyhing else controlled like following the 4 regulative principles. That's easy for me to follow. Sleepiness is the biggest one Im working on right now. Even after I go out walking I still get sleepy. Maybe it's because of my diet. Eating here in New Vrndavan is difficult for me so maybe that is why I am having trouble. So that is why I sort of picked up The Path of Perfection to see what I can do to conquer this feeling.
My guru Maharaj told me to do some extra reading so I am taking in this opportunity now to do a lot of reading and I don't mind it. The Teachings of Lord Kapila and the Path of Perfection seem to get my attention most of the time now not sure what it is about those two books, but there is probably something in there that I am trying to find the answer to. Soon as I figure it out hopefully I'll have more realizations to share. but for now Im just going to read read read. :D
Mixed Emotions
The morning wasn't so great, but this afternoon I was feelng a bit better. Maybe it was because I had gone to bed late at 10:30pm last night and didn't sleep very well. My sleeping habits have been out of whack lately. It must be because of the Festival of Inspiration comimg up and trying to get back to Toronto as soon as possible. So what I've been getting lately is mixed emotions. Not sure if this is normal for spiritual life or not. A devotee is always happy in Krishna Conciousness, which I am, but one should also be happy where they are serving Krishna which is where my downfall comes in. I was happier serving Krishna in Toronto. Here in Moundsville West Virginia is very hard for me.
I've been trying to go to the Aartis as much as I can. Today I went to the 12:30pm Aarti. There were a few guests there. I finished chanting a few left over rounds. Sometimes I wish I could go to the 7pm Aarti but I have service at that hour, Deity Plate transfer and Tulasi Aarti. But I love doing Tulasi Aarti as it helps the pain of separation while my guru Maharaj is away.
I have been going to Mangal Aarti every morning without fail, but then after Mangal Aarti I start to feel a bit sleepy and struggle with the second half of the morning program because I am up so early at 3:30am. I guess this is where my mixed emotions come in because of sleepiness maybe. And I hate feeling sleepy because I want to be able to serve Krishna without feeling that way. My rounds have been just fine too. I always get them done without fail also.
I haven't been able to do much walking as it keeps raining here everyday, and i don't have an umbrella to use either. Right now we are having a light thunderstorm, and it's supposed to ge worse later.
My godsister Vaidehi mataji had sent me copies of my guru Maharaj's blog posts that I can read in case I lose internet connection. I love to read my guru Maharaj's blogs because they keep me inspired a lot. That also cheered me up a lot and made my day a bit brighter. Then I was talking with Mother Siki in the office today too. I always like to talk to her about Krishna or Lord Nrsimahadeva. And she had quite a few stories to tell me. Like th one story she she told me about herself was when she was waiting for the bus stop at 11pm at night and 8 young men surrounded her and said "Hey baby why don't you come with us we are going to have a party?" but she said nothing to them and she started to sing Lord Nrsimahadeva prayers and after they heard her sing that they all got scared and ran away. There are many stories from devotees like this about Lord Nrsimahadeva yet. I don't have one of my own just yet probably because I am not that advanced or that purified enough yet. But even after hearing that story about Lord Nrsimahadeva that cheered me up too.
Maybe i'll try attending the youth bhajans here tonight if I am not feeling too tired to go after I put Tulasi Devi to bed. the one last Tuesday sounded pretty estatic but I was so tired that night I went to bed early.
Hopefully these mixed emotions I've been having will go away and I know they will by the time I get to Toronto. :D
I've been trying to go to the Aartis as much as I can. Today I went to the 12:30pm Aarti. There were a few guests there. I finished chanting a few left over rounds. Sometimes I wish I could go to the 7pm Aarti but I have service at that hour, Deity Plate transfer and Tulasi Aarti. But I love doing Tulasi Aarti as it helps the pain of separation while my guru Maharaj is away.
I have been going to Mangal Aarti every morning without fail, but then after Mangal Aarti I start to feel a bit sleepy and struggle with the second half of the morning program because I am up so early at 3:30am. I guess this is where my mixed emotions come in because of sleepiness maybe. And I hate feeling sleepy because I want to be able to serve Krishna without feeling that way. My rounds have been just fine too. I always get them done without fail also.
I haven't been able to do much walking as it keeps raining here everyday, and i don't have an umbrella to use either. Right now we are having a light thunderstorm, and it's supposed to ge worse later.
My godsister Vaidehi mataji had sent me copies of my guru Maharaj's blog posts that I can read in case I lose internet connection. I love to read my guru Maharaj's blogs because they keep me inspired a lot. That also cheered me up a lot and made my day a bit brighter. Then I was talking with Mother Siki in the office today too. I always like to talk to her about Krishna or Lord Nrsimahadeva. And she had quite a few stories to tell me. Like th one story she she told me about herself was when she was waiting for the bus stop at 11pm at night and 8 young men surrounded her and said "Hey baby why don't you come with us we are going to have a party?" but she said nothing to them and she started to sing Lord Nrsimahadeva prayers and after they heard her sing that they all got scared and ran away. There are many stories from devotees like this about Lord Nrsimahadeva yet. I don't have one of my own just yet probably because I am not that advanced or that purified enough yet. But even after hearing that story about Lord Nrsimahadeva that cheered me up too.
Maybe i'll try attending the youth bhajans here tonight if I am not feeling too tired to go after I put Tulasi Devi to bed. the one last Tuesday sounded pretty estatic but I was so tired that night I went to bed early.
Hopefully these mixed emotions I've been having will go away and I know they will by the time I get to Toronto. :D
Krishna Never Leaves His Devotees Unprotected
I was just thinking this this morning. Seems like I've been doing a lot of thinking but it's helped me to have some realizations along with it.
I was thinking of how Krishna never leaves His devotees unprotected no matter what situation they maybe in. I've had experiences with this myself. Althought at times it felt like wasn't protected but stopped myself and said "Why am I thinking so foolishly like this? Krishna NEVER abandons His devotee even in the toughest situations." He had shown me that recently while I was traveling but He still got me there and back unharmed just a bit mentally tired from all the traveling around.
Just like when Prahalad Maharaj was being tortured by his cruel father, Krishna protected him because he constantly remembered Krishna and kept his faith strong in Krishna. I've always loved the stories about Prahalad Maharaj. He was only a little boy when all this happened to him. Small childeren can even teach adults things they never knew even about God.
Anyways I remember how i first got into Krishna Conciousness. Of course most of you know that story...George Harrison brought me to Krishna. So he is like a guru to me and still is to this day. I didn't actually start reading Prabhupada's books until 2007 on my own.And then later that year my parents divorced for a second time. My mom had moved out of the apartment that we lived in. So I felt like I had no one to turn to but Krishna at the time and I also felt unprotected. So that was when I was reading the Bhagavad Gita and other books by Srila Prabhupada. That was when Krishna opened the doors for me. My Godbrother Ramachandra had recommended me to Maharaj and then Maharaj had told me where to go see Krishna and devotees. That's when it all started. As I look back on it now I realize that Krishna knew I was going to be His devotee and He had personally seen to it that I had protection from all corners. I have no biological brothers and sisters, and my father lives all the way in California, and my mother would not take me back in after she moved out so I had no one to turn to but Krishna and his devotees. Then as I advanced a bit more Krishna led me to my guru and I was able to surrender to him and become an initiated devotee so now I feel Krishna's protection even more even though He still puts me in situations where it feels like Im not. So in a way what happened to me in the past turned out to be a blessing by Krishna Himself. I'll just have to try and train myself to see things that way when things go wrong that eventually it will turn out to be a blessing.
Even now where I am...Im not totally happy but I am doing my best to tolerate it the best I can. Krishna probably wants me to experience more austerity for a bit to advance more. I'll just have to remind myself He's still protecting me and others here too who are struggling. Krishna knows I want to go back to Toronto but I don't think He's ready to let me go back there just yet. May have to wait another week or two for that.
I was thinking of how Krishna never leaves His devotees unprotected no matter what situation they maybe in. I've had experiences with this myself. Althought at times it felt like wasn't protected but stopped myself and said "Why am I thinking so foolishly like this? Krishna NEVER abandons His devotee even in the toughest situations." He had shown me that recently while I was traveling but He still got me there and back unharmed just a bit mentally tired from all the traveling around.
Just like when Prahalad Maharaj was being tortured by his cruel father, Krishna protected him because he constantly remembered Krishna and kept his faith strong in Krishna. I've always loved the stories about Prahalad Maharaj. He was only a little boy when all this happened to him. Small childeren can even teach adults things they never knew even about God.
Anyways I remember how i first got into Krishna Conciousness. Of course most of you know that story...George Harrison brought me to Krishna. So he is like a guru to me and still is to this day. I didn't actually start reading Prabhupada's books until 2007 on my own.And then later that year my parents divorced for a second time. My mom had moved out of the apartment that we lived in. So I felt like I had no one to turn to but Krishna at the time and I also felt unprotected. So that was when I was reading the Bhagavad Gita and other books by Srila Prabhupada. That was when Krishna opened the doors for me. My Godbrother Ramachandra had recommended me to Maharaj and then Maharaj had told me where to go see Krishna and devotees. That's when it all started. As I look back on it now I realize that Krishna knew I was going to be His devotee and He had personally seen to it that I had protection from all corners. I have no biological brothers and sisters, and my father lives all the way in California, and my mother would not take me back in after she moved out so I had no one to turn to but Krishna and his devotees. Then as I advanced a bit more Krishna led me to my guru and I was able to surrender to him and become an initiated devotee so now I feel Krishna's protection even more even though He still puts me in situations where it feels like Im not. So in a way what happened to me in the past turned out to be a blessing by Krishna Himself. I'll just have to try and train myself to see things that way when things go wrong that eventually it will turn out to be a blessing.
Even now where I am...Im not totally happy but I am doing my best to tolerate it the best I can. Krishna probably wants me to experience more austerity for a bit to advance more. I'll just have to remind myself He's still protecting me and others here too who are struggling. Krishna knows I want to go back to Toronto but I don't think He's ready to let me go back there just yet. May have to wait another week or two for that.
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