Krishnagirl

This morning hadn't started off so great for me. I had woken up with a splitting headache. I had to go lay down and I missed Bhagavatam class due to not feeling well at all. Later in the morning after breakfast I took two asprins which helped. By lunch time I was better and went out for my afternoon hour walk just as my guru instructed me to do.

But there was only one problem with this afternoon's walk. It was snowing really hard, and it was windy. But it wasn't that cold outside. So I chanted my japa and tried to think of Krishna's smiling face to help me to forget the snow and wind. As I was doing that I kept thinking that I was growing very fond of Krishna's blackish complexion.Krishna here at this temple is black, and so is He in Mayapur as well which makes Him very beautiful. My guru has said in his blog at one point that even he likes Krishna when He is black. I especially love how Krishna looks when His face is painted especially around His Lotus Eyes. It makes Him look so beautiful, mystical, and opulant.

As I made my way down Bloor Street, I passed by local department store. There was a gentleman there who was a door greeter. He said hello to me and asked me how I was doing. Then he surprises me by saying "So you are a Krishnagirl?"
"Yes, how did you guess?" I asked
"You have tilak on," he said. I totally forgot I had my tilak on! That made me realize that tilak really does remind one of Krishna, so he got benefit by saying Krishna's name. That also brought a smile to my face and also made me forget about the snow and wind when the gentleman said Krishna's name.
This gentleman said he knew of our local temple. Too bad I didn't have one of our books to give to him at the time. But I invited him to come for prasadam later at 6:30pm. Hopefully he will.

Trusting In Krishna

My guru had told me not to be in anxiety. That is very difficult in my case. I've always been in anxiety and fear for most of my life until I had found refuge in Krishna. But my fear and anxiety is still lingering. I think that is another one of my downfalls in my spiritual life. I know Srila Prabhupada would say to keep chanting...which I am doing the best I can as well.

I still have a fear of leaving this temple, but also trying to return to Canada to come back to this temple. I just hope everything will work out. I read online that if a person doesn't get their passport stamped with a time frame that they are allowed to stay for, then they can remain in Canada for six months. It didn't stay whether or not to notify them. Hopefully by Krishna's causless mercy He will allow me go thru crossing the border without problems and hopefully allow me to return to Canada to continue serivng my Guru Maharaj and His devotees here. That is all I wish to do now. I know I must learn to leave everything in Krishna's hands. He knows my heart better than I do myself since He controls it. I try to think of how Krishna had answered my prayers during the past two months of my stay here in Canada, so I have to have faith in Him again with this. He knows that I can serve Him better here in Canada, but Krishna may throw a twist at me and have me stay in New Vrndavan for more austerity...even though I have been through a lot of austerity there before. Krishna can do with me as He likes. I have to trust in His plan in whatever He does, even if I am in fear. Srila Prabhpada once told me in a dream "Have faith in Krishna." Now's the time to work on that. I felt that this temple has been my safe haven. I felt so protected here and still do. Maybe with this it will force me to think of Krishna more and trust in Him. These last few days of my stay here I will meditate on that. I should email my guru Maharaj about this one also and see what he may say, but I may have to wait since he is busy in India and I do not want to disturb him at the moment. Again, this is where I have to trust in Krishna alone. I found a verse in Ch 4 Text 10 of the Bhagavad Gita and this I should go over for the next few days...

TRANSLATION

Being freed from attachment, fear and anger, being fully absorbed in Me and taking refuge in Me, many, many persons in the past became purifled by knowledge of Me—and thus they all attained transcendental love for Me.

PURPORT

As described above, it is very difficult for a person who is too materially affected to understand the personal nature of the Supreme Absolute Truth. Generally, people who are attached to the bodily conception of life are so absorbed in materialism that it is almost impossible for them to understand that there is a transcendental body which is imperishable, full of knowledge and eternally blissful. In the materialistic concept, the body is perishable, full of ignorance and completely miserable. Therefore, people in general keep this same bodily idea in mind when they are informed of the personal form of the Lord. For such materialistic men, the form of the gigantic material manifestation is supreme. Consequently they consider the Supreme to be impersonal. And because they are too materially absorbed, the conception of retaining the personality after liberation from matter frightens them. When they are informed that spiritual life is also individual and personal, they become afraid of becoming persons again, and so they naturally prefer a kind of merging into the impersonal void. Generally, they compare the living entities to the bubbles of the ocean, which merge into the ocean. That is the highest perfection of spiritual existence attainable without individual personality. This is a kind of fearful stage of life, devoid of perfect knowledge of spiritual existence. Furthermore there are many persons who cannot understand spiritual existence at all. Being embarassed by so many theories and by contradictions of various types of philosophical speculation, they become disgusted or angry and foolishly conclude that there is no supreme cause and that everything is ultimately void. Such people are in a diseased condition of life. Some people are too materially attached and therefore do not give attention to spiritual life, some of them want to merge into the supreme spiritual cause, and some of them disbelieve in everything, being angry at all sorts of spiritual speculation out of hopelessness. This last class of men take to the shelter of some kind of intoxication, and their affective hallucinations are sometimes accepted as spiritual vision. One has to get rid of all three stages of attachment to the material world: negligence of spiritual life, fear of a spiritual personal identity, and the conception of void that underlies the frustration of life. To get free from these three stages of the material concept of life, one has to take complete shelter of the Lord, guided by the bona fide spiritual master, and follow the disciplines and regulative principles of devotional life. The last stage of the devotional life is called bhāva, or transcendental love of Godhead.
According to Bhakti-rasāmṛta-sindhu, the science of devotional service:

ādau śraddhā tataḥ sādhu-saṅgo ’tha bhajana-kriyā
tato ’nartha-nivṛttiḥ syāt tato niṣṭhā rucis tataḥ
athāsaktis tato bhāvas tataḥ premābhyudañcati
sādhakānām ayaṁ premṇaḥ prādurbhāve bhavet kramaḥ.

“In the beginning one must have a preliminary desire for self-realization. This will bring one to the stage of trying to associate with persons who are spiritually elevated. In next stage one becomes initiated by an elevated spiritual master, and under his instruction the neophyte devotee begins the process of devotional service. By execution of devotional service under the guidance of the spiritual master, one becomes free from all material attachment, attains steadiness in self-realization, and acquires a taste for hearing about the Absolute Personality of Godhead, Śrī Kṛṣṇa. This taste leads one further forward to attachment for Kṛṣṇa consciousness, which is matured in bhāva, or the preliminary stage of transcendental love of God. Real love for God is called premā, the highest perfectional stage of life.” In the premā stage there is constant engagement in the transcendental loving service of the Lord. So, by the slow process of devotional service, under the guidance of the bona fide spiritual master, one can attain the highest stage, being freed from all material attachment, from the fearfulness of one’s individual spiritual personality, and from the frustrations resulting from void philosophy. Then one can ultimately attain to the abode of the Supreme Lord.

Cancelled

Nearly everything got pretty much cancelled today. It was raining outside, and I couldn't go outside for my hour walk but I at least walked for an hour in the temple. But this morning my back started to hurt me and by the time my walk was done, I was in pain again. I was supposed to go to a home program but I cancelled on going due to back pain. And knowing what Maharaj would say to me he'd tell me to rest which is what I am doing. The home program would have let out at midnight, and I know that my back would be screaming in pain by then. The weather also effects it as well. So I struggled a lot today with my walk and service but I had to do that much at least. I tried to rest as much as possible.

Today was pretty quiet otherwise. I was almost starting to get teary eyed knowing that it's almost time for me to leave this temple. I don't want to leave sweet Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha. Between Maharaj being in India and now leaving the temple soon is taking it's toll on me. I'm trying my best to be strong about it knowing that I do have a bus ticket to come back to Toronto as long as I don't have a problem crossing the border.
I'll just be sure to have my picture f Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha with me at all times and especially my Lord Nrsimahadeva picture for protection to help me get through this.

Leading Guru Puja and Favorite Srila Prabhupada Past Times

Well this morning Krishna surprised me again. I was not expecting to take the lead role in singing the Guru Puja song. Of course naturally I was nervous as I am singing for a pure devotee of Krishna. I would have been doubly nervous had my own guru Maharaj had been physically standing there hearing me sing it. The devotees wanted me to lead the song this morning. So I did, but I had to have the words in front of me so as not to fumble on it. I hope Srila Prabhupada will forgive me for any offense I may have committed while trying to pronounce some of the words, because my sanskrit is terrible. But at the same time after the song, I felt a bit closer to Srila Prabhupada. I hope I did not disappoint him in any way, I don't think I did. I did feel some comfort from Srila Prabhupada lately. He must know I am suffering separation from my own dear guru Maharaj Bhaktimarga Swami who is currently in India.  I believe it was verification from Srila Prabhupada letting me know he is there when guidance is needed.

So after all this happened I began to read my biography book about Srila Prabhupada. I have a few favorite pasttimes of Srila Prabhupada like I do with Krishna. The one pasttime I read in Prabhupada Nectar Prabhupada asked a devotee "Do you think I am tricky?" And the devotee replies "No I don't." But then Prabhupada said "Yes I am tricky because I have tricked you all into being Krishna Conciousness."

Another favorite past time is when Srila Prabhupada was leaving for India, and his disciples were feeling separation from him. Srila Prabhupada said to his disciples "

I can understand that you are feeling separation, I am feeling for my Guru Maharaja. I think this is what Krishna wants."

And another nice quote from Srila Prabhupada "

I'm going but my Guru Maharaja and Bhaktivinoda are here." He points to his guru's picture. " I have asked them to take care of all of you my spiritual childeren. The grandfather always takes care of the childeren much better than the father. So do not fear. There is no question of separation. The sound vibration fixes us up together, even though the material body may not be there. What do we care for this material body? Just go on chanting Hare Krishna. and we will be packed up together. You will be chanting here and I will be chanting there., and this vibration will circulate the planet."

I wish I could have read those two quotes before my guru left for India but I didn't read it until two days after he left.

 

Another pasttime I found interesting was when Srila Prabhupada was having trouble in Bombay with the land owned by somebody named Mr. N. Mr. N had threatened Prabhupada and his disciples that he was going to demolish their temple. After he said that he had died two weeks later. That proves right there that Krishna does not tolerate any type of threat to His devotees. All glories to Lord Krishna.

 

And lastly there is one more past time of Prabhupada that I liked. After Srila Prabhupada arrived in America he wrote a letter to Krishna saying that Lord Krishna can do with him whatever he likes, and showed so much humbleness to Lord Krishna and Krishna had responded to him immediately because Srila Prabhupada really did have so much devotion to Krishna even though Srila Prabhupada said in his letter that he had no devotion at all. I try to follow that example that Srila Prabhupada had. I do my best to be humble to others. Being puffed up about one's pride or think that they are in control, one can fall down again. I am trying to avoid that downfall as much as possible and render service to my guru and devotees as much as I can.

It does take a lot of self realization to become Krishna Conciousness. Krishna will reveal Himself if one takes Krishna Conciousness seriously and just try to chant His holy names, and render service to a guru. I have personally had my own experiences with this so there is no doubt for me at all that Krishna is God, the Supreme Personality of Godhead, lord of all living entities. But I am the most fallen of souls too. I'm still covered in illusion and I'm no where near a pure devotee like Srila Prabhupada was. Far fromt that. All I can do is continue what I am doing chanting and hearing as Srila Prahupada wanted his disciples to do and also to preach but I'm not good at that one but I'm okay with the rest of the service, chanting, hearing, reading, about Krishna, and also helping to distribute his books too.

 

 

 

 

 

Early Bird/Lord Balarama/Lord Shiva

Today I was early getting up. My cell phone awoke me making feel startled. I looked at my cell phone's time and it read 3:42 and I panicked thinking that I had got up late. But when I looked at my computer's clock it read 2:45am. So I thought eh why not might as well get up anyway. So I got up and took a shower and then started my japa rounds. I had two left to do as soon as Mangal Aarti started.

Seems like everything was done early today, which seemed strange. I had gotten my service done early even closing up Govinda's just a tad bit early, I started getting Govinda's ready early, I went on my walk about ten min early, Bhagavatam class ended early today. So today I felt like an early bird. It felt nice though to have everything done and relax a bit. Madhavendra Puri even made a funny comment to me this morning saying "An early bird are you?" LOL. I love the devotee's sense of humor here in Toronto. I sure will miss that a lot when I'm in California.

So here I am now relaxing as the night comes to a close. I am going to try to squeeze in some reading. For some reason I am in the mood to read about Lord Balarama. I seem to be attracted to Him and I've been thinking about Him lately not sure why but it's okay. I love Him all the same! Not sure what my favorite Lord Balarama story is just yet. My mind drifts to diferent pasttimes of Krishna, sometimes about Lord Chaitanya and then to Lord Nrsimahadeva, and now to Lord Balarama. But at least I am thinking of Krishna and not something stupid that's temporary. Lord Balarama is completely transcendental for He is the Supreme Personality of Godhead because He is an expansion of Lord Krishna.  :)

Tomorrow though is a special day in Iskcon called Shiva Ratri. It means the night of Lord Shiva who is a demigod. I always liked Lord Shiva I thought He was pretty cool just by looking at pictures of Him. He is one of the greatest devotees of Lord Krishna. Lord Brahma is also another great devotee of the Lord. Devotees on this day fast, some don't even drink water on this day to glorify Lord Shiva. I am not sure if I can do something like this or not. I know fasting is good for the body as it gives the stomach a rest from digesting food and clears out the system. Fasting for only one day will not hurt the body. I can probably fast most of the day in honor of Lord Shiva but not sure about all night as I would definately would feel sick by then. But we'll see how it goes tomorrow. I think there is some pasttmes about Lord Shiva in the Krishna book somewhere that I can read tomorrow.

Nearing the end of my stay in Toronto

Well it's nearing the end of my stay here in Toronto. I am feeling pretty upset about it as I don't want to leave it but I know I must to visit family in California and take care of issues back in New Vrndavan. Having Maharaj leave for India was hard enough and now it's going to feel like a double whammy for me leaving this temple.

I have exactly two weeks left, and I'm going to do my best to make the the best of it. I definately will have to relish all the service Maharaj gave to me personally and make sure it gets done without fail. Today I pretty much did service for four or more hours straight, and then took my hour walk at 3pm the normal time. I walked down Avenue Road and made a left at Bloor Street and made my way down Cumberland Street where something was going on. There was a radio station there playing karmi music of course. I also saw ice sculptures up and down the streets. I thought it's too bad they don't have one of Krishna or even Lord Nrsimahadeva. So I just continued on my way heading back to the temple. I am trying my best to get to know Toronto really well before I do make a final move here.

Lately I've been watching Mayapur's webcam hoping to catch glimpses of Maharaj which I do nearly every night. I only see him during Tulasi Puja and announcements. During the announcements I heard him speak about his drama plays that are coming up. A Mataji told me that Maharaj's plays will be recorded and saved on Mayapur's website which I am happy so that I do not miss out on it. So far it looks like Maharaj is doing well there, but sometimes when I go to read his blog he sounds like he's exhausted. I do get concerned about him doing too much all at once.

Didn't really have any realizations today, only when I was doing my service, I saw that Govinda's restaurant needed tiding up so I went in there and did it myself. All the tables and chairs had to be put back in order, and knowing that Maharaj would have wanted it done, I pounced on that service like a kitten would chasing after a ball with a bell in it, trying to think that Maharaj was still in the building and not in Mayapur. That's what I try to do now is pounce on  temple service like a kitten chasing after his toy seeing that I still love cats lol. :D

Well we'll see how these last two weeks will go. Association here with the devotees is really great, as my guru Maharaj instructed me to get along with the devotees here which I have no problem with at all. All the devotees here are very friendly and kind and always greet one another with smiles on their faces or even hugs, and of course pranams and obeisances. Another good reason to come back up here, is because the devotees here are so very friendly and open.

Childeren's Krishna Karthamrtam And A Wedding

This Saturday we had a very busy program. Young childeren from the ages 6-11 are speaking about Krishna. To me these are not ordinary childeren. Why do I say this? Well how many childeren in this material world do you hear speak about spiritual topics about Krishna, let alone actually hear them say prayers and verses in an ancient language called sanksrit? These childeren could be fallen demigods. They are so forunate in their young life to speak about Krishna, because they may spiritually advance in this life at a young age, or go back home back to Godhead at the end of their life in this life time.

I was an unfortunate soul at those childeren's ages. I never got to know or hear about Krishna. But I learned about Jesus when I was young. I felt that I didn't get enough information about Jesus and His life.  I still believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that He died for our sins to spread God's message. Therefore in my humble opinion that would make Lord Jesus God's representative, a spiritual master. Jesus said Himself that He is the Son of God.

These young childeren who spoke about Krishna can inspire adults who are still materially covered by maya(illusion), and who cannot see that we are spirit souls, and are originally Krishna Concious.  I still have difficulty with it myself but it is getting better everyday as I had been getting some realizations to help me realize that.

Also today there was a very small wedding in the temple room this morning. I do not know the young couple but I wish them the best in their newly married life.