Absorbing My Mind In Krishna

Lately I've been trying to force my mind to think of Krishna and to avoid mundane talk or mundane thoughts. It is very difficult however being a very conditioned and fallen soul. I want to remember Krishna always...but at times my mind doesn't want to. I was reading some helpful hints in the book called "Japa" by Bhurijana Dasa. It's a really good book to help control the unsteady mind.

Being here with Sri Sri Radha Ksira Cora Gopinatha is helping keeping my mind totally fixed on Krishna. More realizations are pouring in like rain.  I didn't have as many realizations in New Vrndavan but maybe when I do go back there I will. Maybe I'll be inspired again in New Vrndavan. But we'll see what Krishna arranges in where He wants me to go.

Service, more chanting, and more reading are the top keys I have found in remembering Krishna constantly. I would like to know how the previous Archaryas had managed to stay awake nearly 24 hours a day doing service for Krishna and constantly remembering Him. I wish I could do that, but I am very unfortunate that my mind does not allow me to. In the book "Japa" it was stated that one should try to disobey the mind to keep remembering Krishna. That is a tough one to do. This morning for example, I was so very tired from the program last night. I had forced myself to get up for Mangal Aarti, and forced myself to stay awake during japa. I tried to ignore my mind in what it wants to do. But Krishna is right, the mind is very very difficult to control due to maya (illusion) and material desires.

I have several things to work on, negativity, low self esteem, etc. I have to work on one at a time. Although I don't feel as negative when Im here. I feel the difference here with being a lot more positive. A lot of it has to do with my Guru Maharaj's influence. His association is a big help in keeping me positive. Also other devotees here are so kind and merciful. I've not had not one problem with anyone here. I know I will have challenges here though. Nothing in this world will always be a bed of roses.

Im happy I was able to record the classes and kirtans my guru Maharaj gave. i've been listening and watching them a lot lately to also keep my mind absorbed in Krishna. This evening while I was helping in the Govinda's Restaurant, I sat there reading the Krishna Book, and then I chanted four extra rounds. Yesterday I learned that all the Archaryas in the movement including my own guru Maharaj has to chant 64 rounds a day. I thought "wow" I wonder if I'll ever chant that many rounds?But one should not push one's self so fast otherwise one may fall down. That is one thing I want to do. Is to get more attracted to chanting Krishna's Holy Names. Chanting more will do that. But I should probably increase rounds slowly and not too fast.

I also asked my guru Maharaj a question the other day about being strict in spiritual life. He said it's good to be strict but not to the point to where you cannot handle it. In my experiences with senior devotees and devotees who are twice initiatied all have different levels of strictness in them. And they also have different opinions too to help stay in Krishna Conciousness. It's a bit overwhelming for me but I am training msyelf not to get so overwhelmed easily.

But overall I feel that I am doing a lot better since I came back to Toronto's temple.  And being in Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha's presence is most welcoming, peaceful, and helps me to stay calm and makes me want to serve Them more. They have been so merciful to me. They are giving me some sort of service to do everyday. I was thinking this as I was cleaning up the restaurant. I was thinking "I love doing this service for Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha" I always want to serve Them somehow or other. I also need to try to go to every Aarti but sometimes I can't always due to some services that have to be done. But tomorrow I'll try to.

All glories to Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha. I know They will help me stay absorbed in Krishna Conciousness.

Trip to Scarborough Temple

Last night I went with maharaj Sri Kanta, and Mahavendra Puri and a mataji whose name is Bhaktin Linda to Scarborough's local temple that is about 20 minutes away. It felt nice to be back there again. Someone named Haridas was celebrating his 18th birthday that night while Maharaj was there. Maharaj had let him pick out a Bhagavad Gita verse to read from. Maharaj read from Ch. 12 in the Bhagavad Gita. His class lasted for about an hour. I have it all on video and audio. This way I have something to fall back on for devotional listening or watching something on DVD.

After the class, Maharaj gave his flower garland to Haridas. Such wonderful mercy Haridas had received from Maharaj. :) Then Maharaj led a fabulous kirtan which I only recorded on audio. The Deities they have at this temple are very cute. They are small but still very beautiful and elegent. I remember when I first came to this temple earlier in the year in Janurary only  a day or two after my initiaition. I liked being there. Everyone is so friendly and open with one another. A few devotees remembered me from the last time I visited. I mostly chatted with Bhaktin Linda though during the time we had prasadam. The prasadm was pretty good although I did not eat any subji due to the spices but they had fruits and sweets and I had some rice too.

I took some photos too after the program. I took some after maharaj gave class and during the kirtan. And when we were about to leave I got a really cute photo of Maharaj with a little boy. Maharaj really loves being around childeren. I believe childeren are the ones that keep him feeling young. I hope that more childeren will be able to see Maharaj in the future so that they will get benefit from him.

Here are a few of the photos I took of last night's program.

Krishna Must Have Heard Me

Well yesterday afternoon another realization hit me in the head. I sat in Govinda's taking over for my godbrother Deva Datta in watching the restaurant. And then afterwards I went to take rest for an hour as I was tired and my back was hurting me.

So it was around 5pm that this realization came to me. I was finishing the last of my rounds. I had about three left to finish. About ten minutes after I had finished my last round, Maharaj pages me on the temple's phone. He had some more service for me to do for him. He wanted me to answer some emails for him. The Hare Krishna Maha Mantra means that one is asking to stay in Krishna's pure devotional service to Him. So it hit me then after 10 minutes of finishing my last round was when Maharaj needed me to do that service for him. So I believe Krishna answered me quickly in doing service for Him and His exalted devotee.

Also before I came back to Toronto, Krishna knew how much I wanted to serve Him in the temple there in His form as Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha. I felt like I had gone through withdrawl there for the past three months I had been gone from Their temple. So I had not only Maharaj come to me asking me to do seva but few other devotees as well. Im sitting here thinking, Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha have been so incredibly kind to me in fulling my desire in wanting to serve Them. I believe the more service I can do for Them the more I can become attached to Them.I already feel very attached to Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha. The thing I have to train myself with, is when the time comes for me to head back to the United States is that They are always with me. I have gotten a couple of pictures to take with me so hopefully always keeping a picture of Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha will help ease the pain of separation from Them. Although Krishna increases the pain of separation to force us to think of Him more and surrender more to Him.

But the main point of it all is, I believe Krishna had heard me chanting His Holy Name and answered me quickly. I am so suprised that He answered a fallen soul and rascal like me. Im such a sinful person, but yet Krishna is still kind and allows me to serve His devotees. :) Krishna knows everything, He can see everything and read our minds and hearts before we even do something. I know whatever we do in this life is due to our past karma in our past lives. He knows we are prone to make mistakes in our Bhakti, because we are conditioned. But if we chant sincerly He will answer and He will hear you like He did with me this afternoon. I hope this will help my conciousness even more. I pray to Krishna to continue letting me get realizations like this to help me surrender more unto Him. :) I also pray that other devotees like myself will also experience this of Krishna actually hearing them chant His Names and then He will respond to them.

Nice Seva

Today I had gotten some nice service. During japa this morning Maharaj wanted  me to type out his blog which I enjoyed doing. And I liked what his blog was about. It was about some devotees he had emailed or talked to on the phone that are struggling in KC. Maharaj simply said in his blog "Don't give up" no matter how bad it gets. Krishna does put us through trials, and He does it on purpose just to see how much we will surrender to Him. I've had this experience myself and Im still struggling to see that. I am trying to understand that He wants me to surrender more to Him and His way of teaching me to be detached. So I have trouble with three things. Negativity, Low Self Esteem, and Attachement. Im okay with everything else.

Then later on Maharaj wanted me to send some photos to one of the matajis by email from his trip in 2003. Unfortunately the DVD he gave to me to download the photos, it is a dvd used for a Mac computer and I cannot download anything to email the photos. So I feel really bad about it. I hope Maharaj won't be too disappointed. :( I really wanted to help him with this service. But I found another devotee who can help with that service.

And lastly I went into the kitchen today to help make a fruit salad, and washed the dishes for Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha. Im loving it even more by doing that little bit of seva for Them. And I talked with Hara Kumar this morning about service to Tulasi. He has to get a key made for me to go in and help take care of Her. He said that I can give Her a spray bath every day except Wednesday and I can clean Her room. Such nice service there for Tulasi and Maharaj wanted me to continue serve Her.

Later this afternoon I also have to watch Govinda's restaurant for an hour. :) So today's services have been both easy and challenging. But I love the service for Sri Sri Radha KsiraCora Gopinatha.And also I have to make sure that the dishes are caught up so that there is no more dishes in the sink.

It's been a very full day of seva. Im happy I was able to help serve Maharaj for a time and Mahavendra Puri. Krishna says "One is not a devotee unless he or she serves His devotees."

Sri Sri Radha KsiraChor Gopinatha stole my heart away.

I was at the last darshan tonight. Wow. Sri Sri Radha Ksira Chor Gopinatha have completely stolen my heart away. And what's funny is that the word "chor" means steal and Ksira means "sweet rice" So it meas that Krishna likes to steal sweet rice. However in my case Krishna had stolen my heart by being in this Deity form of Radha Ksira Chor Gopinatha. I literally could not take my eyes off of Them tonight. I kept looking at Krishna's Lotus Feet, His Flute, His Eyes, His Smile, just everything. I dont' know if it's because I was initiated in front of Radha Gopinatha or if it's because Maharaj stays in this temple, or what. It could be all of the above.
Srimate Radharani still takes my breath away. She's absolutely gorgeous. I can see why that pleases Krishna so much on how pretty She looks for Him.
Today their outfit was red, yellow, and green. I absolutely LOVED Krishna's turban! And His outfit alone just made Him shine brighter than the sun. Same with Srimate Radharani.

See how beautiful They are? I was totally captured by Krishna's Lotus Face. As I was there watching the Aarti, I nearly had tears in my eyes. I kept thinking that I NEVER want to leave Them again. I cannot bear to be without Them. I just can't. I don't know if I could even survive without Them. I feel so close now with Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha. I think a lot of it does have to do with Maharaj's influence. He wanted me to have more love for Krishna and that's what he said at my initiation. Well I think that is happening now as it is with Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha. After Gopinatha means Lord of the Gopis an that means Krishna attracts the Gopis. So in a way He is attracting me with that name. I love that name "Lord Gopinatha." Sounds so mystical.

So here it is 9:46pm and I am not sleepy. My mind is so absorbed in Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha, just anxious to get ready to greet Them in the morning. I always take photos of Them. And I enjoy doing that so that I can have different wallpapers to put on my desktop.

Whatever Krishna has in store for me in the future I just hope He will allow me to continue serving Him here in Toronto always.

First Day Back in Toronto/Boat Kirtan Cruise!

Well here I am back home back in "Canadahead" as my guru Maharaj put it in one of my emails he sent to me.

I was terrified when I got to the border. I felt my skin turn ice cold with fear. At first during the immigration, the same border officer who refused me the last time was there and remembered me and it didn't seem like they were going to let me through. He read my information from the letters I had and asked me a few questions. Then he said he wanted to hand me over to another border officer for a second opinion. She seemed pretty nice but stern at the same time. She asked me a few questions. Mahavendra Puri and Nitai Priya also helped to answer questions to help me get in. It took them over an hour to get me approved to pass. I was still really scared. But near the end, I felt Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha's presence. They were letting me know it was going to be okay. And then finally the answer came. The lady border officer gave me a letter stating that it is a visa of allowing me to stay for six months. I thought I was going to faint when she said I was allowed to go in.

So then Mahavendra Puri, Nitai Priya and I all piled into the van. Mahavendra Puri called Maharaj on the phone. He talked with him for a little bit and then he handed me the phone. Maharaj wanted to speak to me briefly. Maharaj sounded so happy I made it through. He said to me jokingly "You get on back here!" He must have been so anxious for me to return. But I couldn't help but laugh how he said "You get on back here" it was so funny! Then we got to the temple at 9pm. I saw Maharaj then. And everyone else that I know were very happy to see me back. I had some prasadam and Maharaj sat with us. He asked me how things were in New Vrndavan. I told him I ran into some difficulties. And he said jokingly to me again "You've been there long enough." lol! Im so happy that Maharaj is very pleased that I was able to come back. That's all I want to do is make him happy. :) Because if he's happy then Srila Prabhupada is happy and if he's happy Lord Krishna is happy. :)

The next morning, I was so excited to see Sri Sri Radha Ksira Chor Gopinatha. I got up at 3am despite how tired I was feeling after travelling all day on the bus. I finished my rounds early. I was anxious for them to open the deity doors. I was just DYING to see Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha. Then their doors opened. They were looking even more beautiful then when I last saw Them! They mean so much to me. It was wonderful to see Lord Krishna's beautiful blackish Lotus Face and Lotus Eyes. Srimate Radharani also took my breath away. I loved seeing Her decorated with flowers and jewels, and Her dress was so pretty and sparkly. I felt like I was the happiest devotee on the planet seeing Sri Sri Radha Ksira Chor Gopinatha!

Then we went on a Kirtan Boat Cruise on the Lady Yankee 3 boat. This boat is exactly the same boat in Cleveland only in Cleveland it's called the Good Time 3. I haven't been on a boat like this in quite a few years. It was definately a refreshement and I was able to get some air. It was chilly outside but it was okay. It was interesting to see other boats out there.I took several pictures of boats and there was a small airport near by out on the lake. I took pics of planes taking off as well. Anyway Maharaj led the kirtan first for a full hour. That was pure nectar. I recorded it on video and audio. I also took many pics of the kirtan too. Maharaj rocked the boat as they say with the kirtan. Maharaj's kirtans are always so fabulous and makes me feel like Im at a concert. Then the Gaura Shakti band played for the remander of the trip. It was a four hour boat cruise. I do not get seasick so I was able to enjoy it in the company of devotees that I know. But I had a fabulous time. If you aren't already a friend on my facebook page you can check out the photos I have of the boat cruise there.

Lastly I went to the last darshan at 8pm last night. I stayed for the whole Aarti until they closed the doors. I said a quiet prayer to Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha for allowing me to come back and being so kind and merciful. They full filled my desire in wanting to return to them so very much. I hope to have at least  8 hours of service to Them a day. I have ot talk to Mahavendra Puri about it on Tuesday.

I am anxious to see what this week will bring in New Remuna Dham. :)

Mood of the Gopis

Lately I've been reading this book called Krsnahnika Kaumudi I found in Mother Vanni's store and came to love the stories in it. It's by Srila Kavi-karnapura. It's like an extension or sequel to the Krsna book almost. It describes the different pasttimes of Radha and Krishna and gives the time of day of when each pasttime happened. I found the stories in it fascinating. It's a very thin book but fun to read. I found some of the stories humourous as well. I think I may show this book to Maharaj and see what he thinks about it. I do have some questions to ask him if I see him tomorrow. It says in the Bhagavad Gita to surrender to a guru and to ask him questions about spiritual life and render service unto him. This book I think is starting to help me think of more spiritual questions to ask Maharaj. I never seem to come up with any good questions my mind normally goes blank.

But anyways. As I was reading this book I was finding myself asking these questions about the mood of the Gopis. The mood of the Gopis is so highly elevated it  bewilders me at times and Im stumped. Like I thought of this question. How can one talk about Krishna and nothing else in this material world and develope the mood of the Gopis? It is so easy to get caught up in mundane talk or gossip about nonsense stuff. Im guitly of it I know Im not afraid to admit it. So how to avoid that problem? Maybe my Bhakti Yoga needs to be stronger here in New Vrndavan or something. It's strong in Toronto but not here where I am now yet.  I've got all these questions reeling through my head. That's another thing too. Maya constantly captures us so this why I keep thinking these questions. Im not sure if I have asked my guru these types of questions or not but I am sure he won't mind answering them again he may have a different answer to help me understand. Other devotees may have different answers to these questions, which is why i prefer to ask my guru Maharaj first and see what he says. When he explains something I can understand him easily. He gives very good examples.

Also the Gopis also see Krishna as if They never saw Him before or are meeting Him for  the first time. So how to get myself to also get that same feeling? I remember when I first came to New Vrndavan, being captured by the beautiful form of Lord Krishna in the temple room standing before the devotees in Deity form. I literally was frozen stiff sitting on the floor and couldn't move as I was stunned by Krishna's beauty. I may experience this again when i get to Toronto as I had not seen Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha in a long time...three months and to me that seems like it's been so much longer than three months. And when I saw Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha for the first time in Toronto I felt my heart was stolen away by Them and still is now. So here is another question reeling through my head. Is it allowed to have a favorite set of Deities in a Temple? And why does one feel more captured with their favorite Deity at a different temple than the one they are staying at when all the Deities are non different from Krishna Himself? Maybe that's my trouble. Im having a bit if difficulty realizing that everything is Krishna because maya is still clouding my vision which is annoying. For some reason Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha captured my heart so much more...and I still love Radha Vrndavan Chandra a lot too though at the same time. Maybe my guru Maharaj can help me sort this out.  why I didn't think of these questions while he was here in New Vrndavan is beyond me.

But hopefully I'll learn alot more when Im in Toronto about the Gopis and have more questions for Maharaj about them. I am curious to know so much more about them and their feelings for Krishna. :) Maybe can try to find another book abot the Gopis to help me understand them. :)