When one is not feeling well the old saying that everyone says is that "you're feeling under the weather." Well that's pretty much what happened to me the other night. I was fine all day yesterday but then later that night I was feeling very sick to my stomach. I don't know if I caught a stomach virus or a light flu bug, or if it was just something in the prasadam that didn't agree with my stomach. But I was up all night the other night due to an upset stomach and I kept getting hot and cold flashes, and not only that my back was in pain. I was just hurting all over. That's the material body for you. It brings you nothing but pain and suffering. Thank goodness this body is only temporary. When one is sick it reminds you that this body is NOT permanant. It detioriates with age and time.
I was very upset with myself though for not going to Mangal Aarti yesterday morning. I just hope and pray my guru Maharaj will forgive me for not going. I did try to get up for Mangal Aarti but when I did I was feeling really sick and didn't want to run the risk of getting sick during Mangal Aarti or get anyone else sick on top of that. I went to Mangal Aarti this morning though. My stomach was still hurting me but I forced myself to stay through the whole thing becuase I was not about to miss out on Mangal Aarti again. I hate missing Mangal Aarti. My guru Maharaj knows I go to Mangal Aarti everyday without fail. I even try to go when Im not feeling well. But yesterday took it's toll on me. :(
I have not eaten anything for a day an a half due to an upset stomach. I might try to have some fruit at the 4:30pm offering. not sure if I am up to eating a full lunch yet. Im afraid to attempt to eat the prasadam for it may upset my stomach again.
Today though I cheered up a bit. I ran into one of the devotees from Toronto! I forgot his name but he is an Indian body and very nice. He says he saw me before in Toronto and here too. I told him Im trying to get back to Toronto as soon as possible. Not sure when it will happen. I told him I have to wait till Maharaj comes back from South Africa first.
While I am recovering from a little flu bug I've done a lot of reading this morning. I've been reading from The Teachings of Lord Kapila most of the morning to keep my mind occupied and off the stomach pains i've been having. Im also doing a load of clothes to wash also. I even found my purple jacket in the laundry room.Im glad I found that. I'll need it when I go back up to Toronto. I just hope the rest of the day will go by smoothly. I did do some service this morning. I cleaned the pujari room and I'll do the Deity Plate transfer later. I feel too contiminated to do Tulasi Aarti so I'll wait till tomorrow to do that again although I felt sad about not doing Tulasi Aarti because it makes me feel closer to Maharaj even while he's away. I should be back to my oldself tomorrow. :)
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Deity Service
Today I did plent of Deity service.
The morning started off very nice. I didn't have any really bad back pains this morning. Mangal Aarti was also very nice. The kirtan was plenty estatic. I did Tulasi puja like I normally do and dedicated it to Maharaj as I did puja for Tulasi.
Then Bhagavatam class was given by Mother Malati. And she told the story of how Iskcon got the Krishna Book Published. Of course I had a big grin on my face about it because she did talke about George. :D Everytime I hear that story I always get a smile on my face.
Then I started my service afterwards. I cleaned up the pujari room and another mataji who was a guest who helped me to clean it a bit. I gave her a garland for helping. Then after that I went out to pick flowers for Krishna. I came back in and offered two flowers again to the small blue murti of Krishna in the temple's lobby. I also had to do the 12 noon deity plate transfer and then again at 4:30pm. Afterwards I helped Sachi Kripa make Lord Jagganatha's garland. I have to do the deity plate transfer again tonight at 7pm, and then do evening Tulasi puja.
It seemed like a pretty much full day. I even took a walk around by the apartments and saw a very tiny narrow creek along the road and walked along side it. I didn't walk for a full hour due to doing service later in the afternoon but i at least got outside some.
Four more days until Maharaj returns to Toronto, hopefully that week I'll be able to return to Toronto. I've been so anxious to go back. Krishna is teaching me patience...and boy is that a hard one for me. But Im working on it. :)
The morning started off very nice. I didn't have any really bad back pains this morning. Mangal Aarti was also very nice. The kirtan was plenty estatic. I did Tulasi puja like I normally do and dedicated it to Maharaj as I did puja for Tulasi.
Then Bhagavatam class was given by Mother Malati. And she told the story of how Iskcon got the Krishna Book Published. Of course I had a big grin on my face about it because she did talke about George. :D Everytime I hear that story I always get a smile on my face.
Then I started my service afterwards. I cleaned up the pujari room and another mataji who was a guest who helped me to clean it a bit. I gave her a garland for helping. Then after that I went out to pick flowers for Krishna. I came back in and offered two flowers again to the small blue murti of Krishna in the temple's lobby. I also had to do the 12 noon deity plate transfer and then again at 4:30pm. Afterwards I helped Sachi Kripa make Lord Jagganatha's garland. I have to do the deity plate transfer again tonight at 7pm, and then do evening Tulasi puja.
It seemed like a pretty much full day. I even took a walk around by the apartments and saw a very tiny narrow creek along the road and walked along side it. I didn't walk for a full hour due to doing service later in the afternoon but i at least got outside some.
Four more days until Maharaj returns to Toronto, hopefully that week I'll be able to return to Toronto. I've been so anxious to go back. Krishna is teaching me patience...and boy is that a hard one for me. But Im working on it. :)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
While I Was Picking Flowers For Krishna
Yesterday and today I was thinking of some pasttimes of Srimate Radharani and also of Lord Krishna's pasttimes in the Vrndavan Forest. Again as my guru Maharaj said "Its easy to see Krishna through nature" and he's right about that.
Today as I was picking flowers I was thinking of Srimate Radharani walking through the forest and picking flowers for Krishna, and then of Her going home to string up the garland for Him. I believe She then heard Krishna's flute playing and dropped what She was doing and ran to Him. I'd more than likely do the same myself if I ever had the chance to hear Krishna's flute playing. I often wondered what His flute playing sounds like. Sometimes I wish I could physically hear it but one has to hear it in the heart first from what I understand. I also imagined helping Srimate Radharani picking the flowers for Her to help make the garlands for Krishna. Im glad I read about these pasttimes in the Nectar of Devotion.
Then yesterday as I was picking flowers I was still thinking of Srimate Radharani. And then after awhile it started to rain. So that led me to the past time about when Lord Krishna lifted Govardana Hill. I didn't get that wet from the rain. I was under the big pine trees which had sheltered me from it. So I imagined those trees to be Govardana Hill and tried to take Shelter under Krishna's Lotus Feet from the rain. I also thought about the demigods too. My guru also said "When you go outside try to think of the demigods." Demigods can help one think of Krishna because He is the Supreme Controller. So I thought of the rain as Indra watering Krishna's garden here in New Vrndavan as his service to Krishna. I also believed Krishna saved me from this nasty thunderstorm we had yesterday because as soon as I was done picking flowers, I heard the rolling of thunder as it was raining so I hurried into the temple and took Shelter again in Krishna's temple. If I hadn't thought of these pasttimes of Krishna that storm could have gotten me soaked or elecricuted by the severe lightening or the heavy rain hitting my bad back. So I believe Krishna saved me from that nasty thunderstorm yesterday. I offer my respectful obeisances unto Lord Krishna for that protection He gave.
And after i came back inside today from picking flowers, there was a small blue murti deity of Lord Krishna in the temple's lobby next to the gift shop. I picked one of the flowers from the bucket I had in my hand and offered the flower to Krishna. Then after I put the flowers in the cooler I thought "I want to offer Krishna ANOTHER flower" So I did. Krishna was very merciful again today. He knew I had severe back pains and he didn't have me walk to far to pick flowers.The yellow and orange flowers had grown back after all the rain we had here. All glories to Lord Krishna.
I just have to learn to trust Lord Krishna's arrangements in whatever He does. it's difficult for me to learn it but I will eventually. Hopefully it won't take me too long to realize that as we do not know when we will leave this world. But I am sure Lord Krishna will reveal that to me someday about why He made these arrangements in my life.
Today as I was picking flowers I was thinking of Srimate Radharani walking through the forest and picking flowers for Krishna, and then of Her going home to string up the garland for Him. I believe She then heard Krishna's flute playing and dropped what She was doing and ran to Him. I'd more than likely do the same myself if I ever had the chance to hear Krishna's flute playing. I often wondered what His flute playing sounds like. Sometimes I wish I could physically hear it but one has to hear it in the heart first from what I understand. I also imagined helping Srimate Radharani picking the flowers for Her to help make the garlands for Krishna. Im glad I read about these pasttimes in the Nectar of Devotion.
Then yesterday as I was picking flowers I was still thinking of Srimate Radharani. And then after awhile it started to rain. So that led me to the past time about when Lord Krishna lifted Govardana Hill. I didn't get that wet from the rain. I was under the big pine trees which had sheltered me from it. So I imagined those trees to be Govardana Hill and tried to take Shelter under Krishna's Lotus Feet from the rain. I also thought about the demigods too. My guru also said "When you go outside try to think of the demigods." Demigods can help one think of Krishna because He is the Supreme Controller. So I thought of the rain as Indra watering Krishna's garden here in New Vrndavan as his service to Krishna. I also believed Krishna saved me from this nasty thunderstorm we had yesterday because as soon as I was done picking flowers, I heard the rolling of thunder as it was raining so I hurried into the temple and took Shelter again in Krishna's temple. If I hadn't thought of these pasttimes of Krishna that storm could have gotten me soaked or elecricuted by the severe lightening or the heavy rain hitting my bad back. So I believe Krishna saved me from that nasty thunderstorm yesterday. I offer my respectful obeisances unto Lord Krishna for that protection He gave.
And after i came back inside today from picking flowers, there was a small blue murti deity of Lord Krishna in the temple's lobby next to the gift shop. I picked one of the flowers from the bucket I had in my hand and offered the flower to Krishna. Then after I put the flowers in the cooler I thought "I want to offer Krishna ANOTHER flower" So I did. Krishna was very merciful again today. He knew I had severe back pains and he didn't have me walk to far to pick flowers.The yellow and orange flowers had grown back after all the rain we had here. All glories to Lord Krishna.
I just have to learn to trust Lord Krishna's arrangements in whatever He does. it's difficult for me to learn it but I will eventually. Hopefully it won't take me too long to realize that as we do not know when we will leave this world. But I am sure Lord Krishna will reveal that to me someday about why He made these arrangements in my life.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Another Nice Spring Day
This morning looked like it was going to rain so I stayed indoors. I went to Mangal Aarti on time as my guru Maharaj expects his disciples to always be on time for Mangal Aarti. Although I had a bit of a hard time this morning due to my back hurting me once again. I don't know if it's because of the weather change or what but my back's been in pain for the last few days. I've been trying to do some walking around to help it. But after I had picked flowers today for Krishna my back was still hurting me. But I had to do my service for Krishna by picking flowers for Him.
So I had gone to pick flowers after lunch today. The skies had cleared up and it was sunny. It's very pretty here when it's warm and sunny outside. Yesterday was so windy and was hard to do my service but I still did it. You can even smell the flowers in the air here when the wind picks up. But later in the afternoon it clouded over again I was kind of disappointed. It looked so pretty with the sun out.
Later in the day I went to help Sachi Kripa clean out her room in the ashram. She stays there during the winter time and now she's going back to her apartment down the street. We had spoken about Lord Jagganatha a bit. I told her how Lord Jagganatha appeared to me out of no where while I was in California skiing with my father. I told her I was in the locker room before me and my father went out skiing and I saw a sticker of Lord Jaggantha on the locker. The Lord knew I was aching to see Him so He miraculously appeared on that locker. I spotted Him right away and it had brought a smile to my face. I also took it as the Lord was pleased that I was still thinking of Him as I was doing something that was not Krishna Conciousness like skiing.
I had also chatted with my godsister Nitai Priya on facebook today. She left a message on her status saying that they had three blizzards in one day up in Toronto yesterday! I guess I still need to bring my winter coat up there if I do go back to Toronto. I had asked her if Maharaj ever gone walking in a blizzard or heavy snow like that and she said yes. Maharaj just amazes me. I don't know if I could ever walk as far or as in such treacherous weather like he has! Although I do my best to be inspired by that. But I do have to be careful with my shoes as they are not in great shape for wet weather. I have to buy a pair of boots too somehow. Toronto is going to have a late spring I guess. So I am going to try to enjoy the weather here in New Vrndavan before heading back to the cold again. Or maybe it will be warmed up by the time if I do get back.
So I've been trying to have the spring weather distract me from worrying about my trip back to Toronto soon. It's hard not to worry about it due to the stressful experience I had trying to get back before. I felt as though I'd been traumatized by that experience at the border and Im still trying to recover from it. I think being outdoors like Maharaj suggested will do me good and clear my head. If it's another nice day outside I think I'll take my books with me and sit by the pond and read for awhile. I hope Krishna will let it be a nice sunny day tomorrow.
So I had gone to pick flowers after lunch today. The skies had cleared up and it was sunny. It's very pretty here when it's warm and sunny outside. Yesterday was so windy and was hard to do my service but I still did it. You can even smell the flowers in the air here when the wind picks up. But later in the afternoon it clouded over again I was kind of disappointed. It looked so pretty with the sun out.
Later in the day I went to help Sachi Kripa clean out her room in the ashram. She stays there during the winter time and now she's going back to her apartment down the street. We had spoken about Lord Jagganatha a bit. I told her how Lord Jagganatha appeared to me out of no where while I was in California skiing with my father. I told her I was in the locker room before me and my father went out skiing and I saw a sticker of Lord Jaggantha on the locker. The Lord knew I was aching to see Him so He miraculously appeared on that locker. I spotted Him right away and it had brought a smile to my face. I also took it as the Lord was pleased that I was still thinking of Him as I was doing something that was not Krishna Conciousness like skiing.
I had also chatted with my godsister Nitai Priya on facebook today. She left a message on her status saying that they had three blizzards in one day up in Toronto yesterday! I guess I still need to bring my winter coat up there if I do go back to Toronto. I had asked her if Maharaj ever gone walking in a blizzard or heavy snow like that and she said yes. Maharaj just amazes me. I don't know if I could ever walk as far or as in such treacherous weather like he has! Although I do my best to be inspired by that. But I do have to be careful with my shoes as they are not in great shape for wet weather. I have to buy a pair of boots too somehow. Toronto is going to have a late spring I guess. So I am going to try to enjoy the weather here in New Vrndavan before heading back to the cold again. Or maybe it will be warmed up by the time if I do get back.
So I've been trying to have the spring weather distract me from worrying about my trip back to Toronto soon. It's hard not to worry about it due to the stressful experience I had trying to get back before. I felt as though I'd been traumatized by that experience at the border and Im still trying to recover from it. I think being outdoors like Maharaj suggested will do me good and clear my head. If it's another nice day outside I think I'll take my books with me and sit by the pond and read for awhile. I hope Krishna will let it be a nice sunny day tomorrow.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Needed Some Air
Today was a quiet Sunday. So after lunch I went out side for about an hour and a half. I went to go and pick some daffodils. I found some pretty yellow and orange ones and white ones too for Krishna. I picked a whole bucket full of them.
I also went up to the Palace of Gold up the street. It was a nice little walk. I chanted about four extra rounds while walking around up there at the palace and sat on a bench for awhile looking at the pond where the lotus flowers were. The lotus flowers usually bloom around September. I was up there last year and saw them. They were very pretty. During Radharani's Appearance Day one of the pujaris gave me a lotus flower that was on the altar. I never held a lotus flower before on that day. Lotus flowers smell so pretty.
That is one good thing about New Vrndavan, you are surrounded by trees and can enjoy a bit of the country side. You can go on nice japa walks. I have to try to find a good trail around here to go on. Im so used to doing japa walks in Canada. After I walked around it got to be etremely windy and then later this evening dark clouds started to roll in again. Looks like we may get rain again. I hope it will not rain tomorrow as I would like to go back outside again. My back was hurting me earlier this morning but now i know why..the weather.
I remembered something today that my guru Maharaj said to me in an email. "You can see Krishna easily through nature." I wish there was a wood path somewhere around here I could find to where I can get back to the temple easily. Maybe I'll have to do a little exploring one of these days. I don't know when i'll get back to Toronto...it might not even happen. Hopefully doing a nature japa walk will help too and I know maharaj would be pleased with it. I wish I knew how he walked around New Vrndavan though or what path he took. I hope the weather will be nice tomorrow like it was this afternoon.
I also went up to the Palace of Gold up the street. It was a nice little walk. I chanted about four extra rounds while walking around up there at the palace and sat on a bench for awhile looking at the pond where the lotus flowers were. The lotus flowers usually bloom around September. I was up there last year and saw them. They were very pretty. During Radharani's Appearance Day one of the pujaris gave me a lotus flower that was on the altar. I never held a lotus flower before on that day. Lotus flowers smell so pretty.
That is one good thing about New Vrndavan, you are surrounded by trees and can enjoy a bit of the country side. You can go on nice japa walks. I have to try to find a good trail around here to go on. Im so used to doing japa walks in Canada. After I walked around it got to be etremely windy and then later this evening dark clouds started to roll in again. Looks like we may get rain again. I hope it will not rain tomorrow as I would like to go back outside again. My back was hurting me earlier this morning but now i know why..the weather.
I remembered something today that my guru Maharaj said to me in an email. "You can see Krishna easily through nature." I wish there was a wood path somewhere around here I could find to where I can get back to the temple easily. Maybe I'll have to do a little exploring one of these days. I don't know when i'll get back to Toronto...it might not even happen. Hopefully doing a nature japa walk will help too and I know maharaj would be pleased with it. I wish I knew how he walked around New Vrndavan though or what path he took. I hope the weather will be nice tomorrow like it was this afternoon.
Trying to Serve Guru Through Separation
I've been having so much difficulty lately in trying to serve my guru though separation. At first I tried telling myself that it won't be that hard but about a week after I returned to New Vrndavan...it was really hard to tell myself that.
I had spoken with Bhaktin Shannon and her husband who is the vice president of New Vrndavan. I told them I wanted to try to do the same services that Maharaj gave to me personally while in Toronto. I need to do something to help me feel closer to Maharaj while he's away and while I am not in Toronto. I can feel Maharaj more at Toronto even while he's away but here in New Vrndavan...that's a real challenge.
As I've said in my last post I was thinking of how merciful Maharaj has been to a rascal and fallen soul like me. I was in tears the other night thinking about it. Separation from my guru to me is very very painful and I'm trying to deal with it the best I can. I just miss hearing Maharaj's Bhagavatam Classes and his Kirtans. Yesterday I was able to watch a lecture on Bhaktin Shannon's computer that Maharaj gave. That was a big help. I think I was going through withdrawl on hearing Maharaj's classes. I needed to hear him give a class and that helped me to feel better. And I also took up on doing Tulasi Puja this week both morning and evening. Through Tulasi Puja it helps me to feel as if Maharaj himself were personally present in the temple room. I could almost 'see' and 'hear' him there for a split second but I was dedicating Tulasi Puja to him since he likes it when I do Tulasi Puja. But over all i am still having a bit of difficulty in serving my guru while he's away. For me it's hard to function or even breath sometimes without him around becuase he keeps me so inspired. Im really happy Krishna helped me to find a special guru like him. I'd be one lost soul without Maharaj that is for sure. He's gotten me this far. And it is true. One cannot spiritually advance without a bona fide spiritual master.
I had spoken with Bhaktin Shannon and her husband who is the vice president of New Vrndavan. I told them I wanted to try to do the same services that Maharaj gave to me personally while in Toronto. I need to do something to help me feel closer to Maharaj while he's away and while I am not in Toronto. I can feel Maharaj more at Toronto even while he's away but here in New Vrndavan...that's a real challenge.
As I've said in my last post I was thinking of how merciful Maharaj has been to a rascal and fallen soul like me. I was in tears the other night thinking about it. Separation from my guru to me is very very painful and I'm trying to deal with it the best I can. I just miss hearing Maharaj's Bhagavatam Classes and his Kirtans. Yesterday I was able to watch a lecture on Bhaktin Shannon's computer that Maharaj gave. That was a big help. I think I was going through withdrawl on hearing Maharaj's classes. I needed to hear him give a class and that helped me to feel better. And I also took up on doing Tulasi Puja this week both morning and evening. Through Tulasi Puja it helps me to feel as if Maharaj himself were personally present in the temple room. I could almost 'see' and 'hear' him there for a split second but I was dedicating Tulasi Puja to him since he likes it when I do Tulasi Puja. But over all i am still having a bit of difficulty in serving my guru while he's away. For me it's hard to function or even breath sometimes without him around becuase he keeps me so inspired. Im really happy Krishna helped me to find a special guru like him. I'd be one lost soul without Maharaj that is for sure. He's gotten me this far. And it is true. One cannot spiritually advance without a bona fide spiritual master.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Just have to accept Krishna's arrangements
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how Krishna is making all these arrangements.
Krishna didn't want me going to Canada this time around. He wanted me here in New Vrndavan for some reason. For that reason I do not know. I know He is in control and it's very difficult for me to learn that. Krishna may not want me to go to Canada at all and to practice more austerity. I am trying hard to remember what my guru Maharaj said to stay strong in sadhana and keep happy. The keeping happy part is hard to do here in New Vrndavan. I've been through many difficulties here.
Maharaj and other devotees in Canada I know would love to have me back but, I don't want to become too much of a burden of them having to try and bring me back because I was refused at the border. Maharaj has already done so much for me and today I was thinking of how much he's done for me that I literally was crying about it and I still am just typing this. Maharaj has been so kind to a rascal and fallen soul like me. I 've been having so many realizations ever since he initiated me on Srila Prabhupada's behalf. And it has made me a more humbler devotee of Krishna. Krishna is really testing me hard and I don't think i've passed any of His tests yet. I am tryng to teach myself that Krishna is the controller. Yes Krishna has revealed Himself to me in minor ways and now He's testing me again to see how much more faith I have in Him. Krishna's trying to tell me He's in control which is probably why He's not letting me go to Toronto just now and also to Cleveland as well. I just don't want to have Maharaj worry about bringing me back to Canada if Krishna does not want that. Maharaj has other important things to worry about besides me. What he does is far more important like preaching Lord Krishna's Holy Names. Im just going to have to accept Krishna's arrangements for now with staying in New Vrndavan...I believe He wants me to me more austere. But I heard that one should be happy in serving Krishna whereever they are, and I am not totally happy where I am at the moment, unless Krishna is trying to teach me that I must be happy in a place where I am not. It is difficult for me to understand what Krishna really wants me to do. Hopefully He will let me know soon so that I can just accept His arrangements without lamentation.
Krishna didn't want me going to Canada this time around. He wanted me here in New Vrndavan for some reason. For that reason I do not know. I know He is in control and it's very difficult for me to learn that. Krishna may not want me to go to Canada at all and to practice more austerity. I am trying hard to remember what my guru Maharaj said to stay strong in sadhana and keep happy. The keeping happy part is hard to do here in New Vrndavan. I've been through many difficulties here.
Maharaj and other devotees in Canada I know would love to have me back but, I don't want to become too much of a burden of them having to try and bring me back because I was refused at the border. Maharaj has already done so much for me and today I was thinking of how much he's done for me that I literally was crying about it and I still am just typing this. Maharaj has been so kind to a rascal and fallen soul like me. I 've been having so many realizations ever since he initiated me on Srila Prabhupada's behalf. And it has made me a more humbler devotee of Krishna. Krishna is really testing me hard and I don't think i've passed any of His tests yet. I am tryng to teach myself that Krishna is the controller. Yes Krishna has revealed Himself to me in minor ways and now He's testing me again to see how much more faith I have in Him. Krishna's trying to tell me He's in control which is probably why He's not letting me go to Toronto just now and also to Cleveland as well. I just don't want to have Maharaj worry about bringing me back to Canada if Krishna does not want that. Maharaj has other important things to worry about besides me. What he does is far more important like preaching Lord Krishna's Holy Names. Im just going to have to accept Krishna's arrangements for now with staying in New Vrndavan...I believe He wants me to me more austere. But I heard that one should be happy in serving Krishna whereever they are, and I am not totally happy where I am at the moment, unless Krishna is trying to teach me that I must be happy in a place where I am not. It is difficult for me to understand what Krishna really wants me to do. Hopefully He will let me know soon so that I can just accept His arrangements without lamentation.
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