Another Nice Spring Day

This morning looked like it was going to rain so I stayed indoors. I went to Mangal Aarti on time as my guru Maharaj expects his disciples to always be on time for Mangal Aarti. Although I had a bit of a hard time this morning due to my back hurting me once again. I don't know if it's because of the weather change or what but my back's been in pain for the last few days. I've been trying to do some walking around to help it. But after I had picked flowers today for Krishna my back was still hurting me. But I had to do my service for Krishna by picking flowers for Him.

So I had gone to pick flowers after lunch today. The skies had cleared up and it was sunny. It's very pretty here when it's warm and sunny outside. Yesterday was so windy and was hard to do my service but I still did it. You can even smell the flowers in the air here when the wind picks up. But later in the afternoon it clouded over again I was kind of disappointed. It looked so pretty with the sun out.

Later in the day I went to help Sachi Kripa clean out her room in the ashram. She stays there during the winter time and now she's going back to her apartment down the street. We had spoken about Lord Jagganatha a bit. I told her how Lord Jagganatha appeared to me out of no where while I was in California skiing with my father. I told her I was in the locker room before me and my father went out skiing and I saw a sticker of Lord Jaggantha on the locker. The Lord knew I was aching to see Him so He miraculously appeared on that locker. I spotted Him right away and it had brought a smile to my face. I also took it as the Lord was pleased that I was still thinking of Him as I was doing something that was not Krishna Conciousness like skiing.

I had also chatted with my godsister Nitai Priya on facebook today. She left a message on her status saying that they had three blizzards in one day up in Toronto yesterday! I guess I still need to bring my winter coat up there if I do go back to Toronto. I had asked her if Maharaj ever gone walking in a blizzard or heavy snow like that and she said yes.  Maharaj just amazes me. I don't know if I could ever walk as far or as in such treacherous weather like he has! Although I do my best to be inspired by that. But I do have to be careful with my shoes as they are not in great shape for wet weather. I have to buy a pair of boots too somehow. Toronto is going to have a late spring I guess. So I am going to try to enjoy the weather here in New Vrndavan before heading back to the cold again. Or maybe it will be warmed up by the time if I do get back.

So I've been trying to have the spring weather distract me from worrying about my trip back to Toronto soon. It's hard not to worry about it due to the stressful experience I had trying to get back before. I felt as though I'd been traumatized by that experience at the border and Im still trying to recover from it. I think being outdoors like Maharaj suggested will do me good and clear my head. If it's another nice day outside I think I'll take my books with me and sit by the pond and read for awhile. I hope Krishna will let it be a nice sunny day tomorrow.

Needed Some Air

Today was a quiet Sunday. So after lunch I went out side for about an hour and a half. I went to go and pick some daffodils. I found some pretty yellow and orange ones and white ones too for Krishna. I picked a whole bucket full of them.

I also went up to the Palace of Gold up the street. It was a nice little walk. I chanted about four extra rounds while walking around up there at the palace and sat on a bench for awhile looking at the pond where the lotus flowers were. The lotus flowers usually bloom around September. I was up there last year and saw them. They were very pretty. During Radharani's Appearance Day one of the pujaris gave me a lotus flower that was on the altar. I never held a  lotus flower before on that day. Lotus flowers smell so pretty.

That is one good thing about New Vrndavan, you are surrounded by trees and can enjoy a bit of the country side. You can go on nice japa walks. I have to try to find a good trail around here to go on. Im so used to doing japa walks in Canada. After I walked around it got to be etremely windy and then later this evening dark clouds started to roll in again. Looks like we may get rain again. I hope it will not rain tomorrow as I would like to go back outside again. My back was hurting me earlier this morning but now i know why..the weather. 

I remembered something today that my guru Maharaj said to me in an email. "You can see Krishna easily through nature." I wish there was a wood path somewhere around here I could find to where I can get back to the temple easily. Maybe I'll have to do a little exploring one of these days. I don't know when i'll get back to Toronto...it might not even happen. Hopefully doing a nature japa walk will help too and I know maharaj would be pleased with it. I wish I knew how he walked around New Vrndavan though or what path he took. I hope the weather will be nice tomorrow like it was this afternoon.

Trying to Serve Guru Through Separation

I've been having so much difficulty lately in trying to serve my guru though separation. At first I tried telling myself that it won't be that hard but about a week after I returned to New Vrndavan...it was really hard to tell myself that.

I had spoken with Bhaktin Shannon and her husband who is the vice president of New Vrndavan. I told them I wanted to try to do the same services that Maharaj gave to me personally while in Toronto. I need to do something to help me feel closer to Maharaj while he's away and while I am not in Toronto. I can feel Maharaj more at Toronto even while he's away but here in New Vrndavan...that's a real challenge.
As I've said in my last post I was thinking of how merciful Maharaj has been to a rascal and fallen soul like me. I was in tears the other night thinking about it. Separation from my guru to me is very very painful and I'm trying to deal with it the best I can. I just miss hearing Maharaj's Bhagavatam Classes and his Kirtans. Yesterday I was able to watch a lecture on Bhaktin Shannon's computer that Maharaj gave. That was a big help. I think I was going through withdrawl on hearing Maharaj's classes. I needed to hear him give a class and that helped me to feel better. And I also took up on doing Tulasi Puja this week both morning and evening. Through Tulasi Puja it helps me to feel as if Maharaj himself were personally present in the temple room. I could almost 'see' and 'hear' him there for a split second but I was dedicating Tulasi Puja to him since he likes it when I do Tulasi Puja. But over all i am still having a bit of difficulty in serving my guru while he's away. For me it's hard to function or even breath sometimes without him around becuase he keeps me so inspired. Im really happy Krishna helped me to find a special guru like him. I'd be one lost soul without Maharaj that is for sure. He's gotten me this far. And it is true. One cannot spiritually advance without a bona fide spiritual master.

Just have to accept Krishna's arrangements

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how Krishna is making all these arrangements.

Krishna didn't want me going to Canada this time around. He wanted me here in New Vrndavan for some reason. For that reason I do not know. I know He is in control and it's very difficult for me to learn that.  Krishna may not want me to go to Canada at all and to practice more austerity. I am trying hard to remember what my guru Maharaj said to stay strong in sadhana and keep happy. The keeping happy part is hard to do here in New Vrndavan. I've been through many difficulties here.

Maharaj and other devotees in Canada I know would love to have me back but, I don't want to become too much of a burden of them having to try and bring me back because I was refused at the border. Maharaj has already done so much for me and today I was thinking of how much he's done for me that I literally was crying about it and I still am just typing this. Maharaj has been so kind to a rascal and fallen soul like me. I 've been having so many realizations ever since he initiated me on Srila Prabhupada's behalf. And it has made me a more humbler devotee of Krishna. Krishna is really testing me hard and I don't think i've passed any of His tests yet. I am tryng to teach myself that Krishna is the controller.  Yes Krishna has revealed Himself to me in minor ways and now He's testing me again to see how much more faith I have in Him. Krishna's trying to tell me He's in control which is probably why He's not letting me go to Toronto just now and also to Cleveland as well. I just don't want to have Maharaj worry about bringing me back to Canada if Krishna does not want that. Maharaj has other important things to worry about besides me. What he does is far more important like preaching Lord Krishna's Holy Names. Im just going to have to accept Krishna's arrangements for now with staying in New Vrndavan...I believe He wants me to me more austere. But I heard that one should be happy in serving Krishna whereever they are, and I am not totally happy where I am at the moment, unless Krishna is trying to teach me that I must be happy in a place where I am not.  It is difficult for me to understand what Krishna really wants me to do. Hopefully He will let me know soon so that I can just accept His arrangements without lamentation.

Breaking out of the Shy Shell

It took me nearly 15 years to break out of this shy shell I've been since being locked up in a house for that long. This has never been an easy task for me. But I believe Krishna is slowing breaking that shell. He knows not to go too fast with me. There has been changes in New Vrndavan and more are to come but that will take a lot of time too.

After Lord Ramachandra's Appearance Day yesterday had enlivened my spiritual life a bit being here in New Vrndavan. When I first came back here April 3rd. I felt like a she deer about ready to run back to Toronto or even Cleveland. But I noticed there are more devotees back in the temple for Mangal Aarti and the second half of the program. And last night's 7pm Aarti had almost put me back on the 'cloud' as Mother Sudevi puts it. I am only about 80% there. It may get better later this week. Bhaktin Shannon and her husband have been a tremendous help. They are the ones helping to make the changes around this temple. I know by the festival of inspiration I'll be back on that 'cloud.' That is one goal I am working on for spirituality.

This morning's Aarti I tried to picture my guru Maharaj here in this temple. I could almost picture him leading the kirtan. The kirtans have been more estatic here lately so that's been easing the pain of separation from my guru Maharaj while he's away traveling. As long as these kirtans stay estatic, the more ethusiastic  and encouraged I will be. The only thing I miss now is hearing Maharaj's Bhagavatam classes. His classes are very very unique no one else really gives class like the way he does. But the kirtans really help me to feel that Maharaj is here even though I know our guru is always with us, but I like to get a stronger feeling of that by hearing these estatic kirtans to help me feel that. It also helps to feel closer to Krishna as well I noticed that Radha Vrndavan Chandra are a lot happier now too with the changes here in the temple. Before I left They didn't look happy either like I was. I am happy to see Krishna happy.
 
So I just hope and pray to Krishna that He'll break me out of this shy shell. I've been trying to get myself to dance during kirtans. That's one of the things that I get so shy about is dancing because I'd feel silly most of the time. I don't know why I feel that way when I know I shouldn't because Im dancing for Krishna not an audience of karmis. Krishna wouldn't care how I'd dance as long as it's out of love for Him. So I did my best this morning to give it a try. Yesterday's kirtan was what kept me inspired. I also hope that the association here will also improve as well. That was one of the things I am looking for is more association with devotees like there is in Toronto. New Vrndavan needs more of that. So as long as the kirtans stay estatic and the devotee association increases it should be better than before.

Lord Ramachandra's Appearace Day

Today was pretty amazing and also one of my favorite past times of Krishna as Lord Ramachandra.

The morning hadn't started off so great for me as I had some stomach cramps but they went away by the afternoon. The Mangal Aarti kirtan was very very estatic. Especially the second half of the morning program. Then Bhagavatam class was all about Lord Ramachandra. I always loved the story of Rama and Sita. I want to buy the book Ramayana. It's a very transcendental story and it's also a love story because Lord Ramachandra's wife Sita was kidnapped by the demon Ravana. Lord Ramachandra was very angry and Sita felt severe separation from her husband Lord Ramachandra goes to rescue her from this powerful demon. To me the story is very enchanting.

I spent most of the morning trying to get rid of stomach cramps. By 3pm I went downstairs to help make the bathing juices for the bathing ceremony of Lord Ramachandra. I only cut the fruits up for it and bhaktin shannon made the fruit juices for it. Then by 5pm the bathing ceremony began. It was a very beautiful ceremony. The larger Deities were wearing pink purple and blue outfits. We even had small Deities of Lord Ramachandra and Sita and Hanuman. During the ceremony I noticed Radha Vrndavan Chandra were looking down at the bathing ceremony with smiles on Their Lotus Faces. Usually They are looking straight ahead but tonight.  They weren't They were very pleased with the bathing ceremony and kirtan. And They looked even more beautiful to me today because today is a very auspicious day because of Lord Ramachandra.

The 7pm Aarti was so much fun for Lord Ramachandra. Even I was dancing some even though I cannot dance very well. But I tried at least. And by Lord Nrsimahadeva prayers I was pretty blissed out. It felt like Maharaj was physically here in the temple almost because I know how wild his kirtans can be. Usually I can feel Maharaj's presence through the kirtans because he loves kirtans. So I will try to focus on that to ease the pain of separation from my guru Maharaj.

All glories to Lord Ramachandra and Sita!

Rejected From Canada, but loved by Radha Vrndavan Chandra

Well my trip to Canada did not go so well. I had difficulty with the bus when i got to Erie PA. They had apparently cancelled the bus to Buffalo New York and they said we had to take a bus to Cleveland to get to it. So I was in Cleveland for three hours 11pm till 2am. The rest of the way went smoothly. I finally reached the border. And they had to take me into immigration. That did not go so well. They asked me so many questions even though I followed to what my guru instructed me to say to them. But they went into deeper details about my stay in Canada. So they could not let me through due to financial reasons and also proof of address. They had to send me back to the United States. It was another long bus ride all the way back to West Virginia. The bus went okay up until I got to Pittsburgh. They said my bus wouldn't leave Pittsburgh for Wheeling until 7am the next morning after I got to Pittsburgh at 5pm. So I had called Mother Siki and she had found someone to pick me up in Pittsburgh. ChandraShankar picked me up. While I waited for him to come I chatted on the phone with Mother Sudevi and also Mandakini.  I got back to the temple safely around 10pm last night. I still feel a bit exhausted from yesterday but I'll be fine.

So even though I was rejected by Canada, apparently Sri Sri Radha Vrndavan Chandra didn't want me to leave again so soon. Some devotees welcomed me back. Bhaktin Shannon said she'd work along with me with service. I did get some of my old services back like cleaning the pujari room and deity plate transfer I might help out with the dishes too but I think they already have someone else doing that. Later today Bhaktin Shannon and I will go out to pick flowers for the Deities garlands and she said i might help her with making some garlands again.

Tomorrow I have to talk to Jaya Krishna about what will happen to me in the future. I told him I am not going anywhere any time soon as I have no choice at the moment but to stay here in New Vrndavan. Madhavendra Puri said he's still try to help me get back to Canada again by having a letter stating I am a religious worker and that they will take care of me there during the months I stay.  But we will see what Krishna arranges and wants me to do. I hope I can get a hold of Maharaj too but he pretty much already knows what's going on.