Trying to Serve Guru Through Separation

I've been having so much difficulty lately in trying to serve my guru though separation. At first I tried telling myself that it won't be that hard but about a week after I returned to New Vrndavan...it was really hard to tell myself that.

I had spoken with Bhaktin Shannon and her husband who is the vice president of New Vrndavan. I told them I wanted to try to do the same services that Maharaj gave to me personally while in Toronto. I need to do something to help me feel closer to Maharaj while he's away and while I am not in Toronto. I can feel Maharaj more at Toronto even while he's away but here in New Vrndavan...that's a real challenge.
As I've said in my last post I was thinking of how merciful Maharaj has been to a rascal and fallen soul like me. I was in tears the other night thinking about it. Separation from my guru to me is very very painful and I'm trying to deal with it the best I can. I just miss hearing Maharaj's Bhagavatam Classes and his Kirtans. Yesterday I was able to watch a lecture on Bhaktin Shannon's computer that Maharaj gave. That was a big help. I think I was going through withdrawl on hearing Maharaj's classes. I needed to hear him give a class and that helped me to feel better. And I also took up on doing Tulasi Puja this week both morning and evening. Through Tulasi Puja it helps me to feel as if Maharaj himself were personally present in the temple room. I could almost 'see' and 'hear' him there for a split second but I was dedicating Tulasi Puja to him since he likes it when I do Tulasi Puja. But over all i am still having a bit of difficulty in serving my guru while he's away. For me it's hard to function or even breath sometimes without him around becuase he keeps me so inspired. Im really happy Krishna helped me to find a special guru like him. I'd be one lost soul without Maharaj that is for sure. He's gotten me this far. And it is true. One cannot spiritually advance without a bona fide spiritual master.

Just have to accept Krishna's arrangements

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how Krishna is making all these arrangements.

Krishna didn't want me going to Canada this time around. He wanted me here in New Vrndavan for some reason. For that reason I do not know. I know He is in control and it's very difficult for me to learn that.  Krishna may not want me to go to Canada at all and to practice more austerity. I am trying hard to remember what my guru Maharaj said to stay strong in sadhana and keep happy. The keeping happy part is hard to do here in New Vrndavan. I've been through many difficulties here.

Maharaj and other devotees in Canada I know would love to have me back but, I don't want to become too much of a burden of them having to try and bring me back because I was refused at the border. Maharaj has already done so much for me and today I was thinking of how much he's done for me that I literally was crying about it and I still am just typing this. Maharaj has been so kind to a rascal and fallen soul like me. I 've been having so many realizations ever since he initiated me on Srila Prabhupada's behalf. And it has made me a more humbler devotee of Krishna. Krishna is really testing me hard and I don't think i've passed any of His tests yet. I am tryng to teach myself that Krishna is the controller.  Yes Krishna has revealed Himself to me in minor ways and now He's testing me again to see how much more faith I have in Him. Krishna's trying to tell me He's in control which is probably why He's not letting me go to Toronto just now and also to Cleveland as well. I just don't want to have Maharaj worry about bringing me back to Canada if Krishna does not want that. Maharaj has other important things to worry about besides me. What he does is far more important like preaching Lord Krishna's Holy Names. Im just going to have to accept Krishna's arrangements for now with staying in New Vrndavan...I believe He wants me to me more austere. But I heard that one should be happy in serving Krishna whereever they are, and I am not totally happy where I am at the moment, unless Krishna is trying to teach me that I must be happy in a place where I am not.  It is difficult for me to understand what Krishna really wants me to do. Hopefully He will let me know soon so that I can just accept His arrangements without lamentation.

Breaking out of the Shy Shell

It took me nearly 15 years to break out of this shy shell I've been since being locked up in a house for that long. This has never been an easy task for me. But I believe Krishna is slowing breaking that shell. He knows not to go too fast with me. There has been changes in New Vrndavan and more are to come but that will take a lot of time too.

After Lord Ramachandra's Appearance Day yesterday had enlivened my spiritual life a bit being here in New Vrndavan. When I first came back here April 3rd. I felt like a she deer about ready to run back to Toronto or even Cleveland. But I noticed there are more devotees back in the temple for Mangal Aarti and the second half of the program. And last night's 7pm Aarti had almost put me back on the 'cloud' as Mother Sudevi puts it. I am only about 80% there. It may get better later this week. Bhaktin Shannon and her husband have been a tremendous help. They are the ones helping to make the changes around this temple. I know by the festival of inspiration I'll be back on that 'cloud.' That is one goal I am working on for spirituality.

This morning's Aarti I tried to picture my guru Maharaj here in this temple. I could almost picture him leading the kirtan. The kirtans have been more estatic here lately so that's been easing the pain of separation from my guru Maharaj while he's away traveling. As long as these kirtans stay estatic, the more ethusiastic  and encouraged I will be. The only thing I miss now is hearing Maharaj's Bhagavatam classes. His classes are very very unique no one else really gives class like the way he does. But the kirtans really help me to feel that Maharaj is here even though I know our guru is always with us, but I like to get a stronger feeling of that by hearing these estatic kirtans to help me feel that. It also helps to feel closer to Krishna as well I noticed that Radha Vrndavan Chandra are a lot happier now too with the changes here in the temple. Before I left They didn't look happy either like I was. I am happy to see Krishna happy.
 
So I just hope and pray to Krishna that He'll break me out of this shy shell. I've been trying to get myself to dance during kirtans. That's one of the things that I get so shy about is dancing because I'd feel silly most of the time. I don't know why I feel that way when I know I shouldn't because Im dancing for Krishna not an audience of karmis. Krishna wouldn't care how I'd dance as long as it's out of love for Him. So I did my best this morning to give it a try. Yesterday's kirtan was what kept me inspired. I also hope that the association here will also improve as well. That was one of the things I am looking for is more association with devotees like there is in Toronto. New Vrndavan needs more of that. So as long as the kirtans stay estatic and the devotee association increases it should be better than before.

Lord Ramachandra's Appearace Day

Today was pretty amazing and also one of my favorite past times of Krishna as Lord Ramachandra.

The morning hadn't started off so great for me as I had some stomach cramps but they went away by the afternoon. The Mangal Aarti kirtan was very very estatic. Especially the second half of the morning program. Then Bhagavatam class was all about Lord Ramachandra. I always loved the story of Rama and Sita. I want to buy the book Ramayana. It's a very transcendental story and it's also a love story because Lord Ramachandra's wife Sita was kidnapped by the demon Ravana. Lord Ramachandra was very angry and Sita felt severe separation from her husband Lord Ramachandra goes to rescue her from this powerful demon. To me the story is very enchanting.

I spent most of the morning trying to get rid of stomach cramps. By 3pm I went downstairs to help make the bathing juices for the bathing ceremony of Lord Ramachandra. I only cut the fruits up for it and bhaktin shannon made the fruit juices for it. Then by 5pm the bathing ceremony began. It was a very beautiful ceremony. The larger Deities were wearing pink purple and blue outfits. We even had small Deities of Lord Ramachandra and Sita and Hanuman. During the ceremony I noticed Radha Vrndavan Chandra were looking down at the bathing ceremony with smiles on Their Lotus Faces. Usually They are looking straight ahead but tonight.  They weren't They were very pleased with the bathing ceremony and kirtan. And They looked even more beautiful to me today because today is a very auspicious day because of Lord Ramachandra.

The 7pm Aarti was so much fun for Lord Ramachandra. Even I was dancing some even though I cannot dance very well. But I tried at least. And by Lord Nrsimahadeva prayers I was pretty blissed out. It felt like Maharaj was physically here in the temple almost because I know how wild his kirtans can be. Usually I can feel Maharaj's presence through the kirtans because he loves kirtans. So I will try to focus on that to ease the pain of separation from my guru Maharaj.

All glories to Lord Ramachandra and Sita!

Rejected From Canada, but loved by Radha Vrndavan Chandra

Well my trip to Canada did not go so well. I had difficulty with the bus when i got to Erie PA. They had apparently cancelled the bus to Buffalo New York and they said we had to take a bus to Cleveland to get to it. So I was in Cleveland for three hours 11pm till 2am. The rest of the way went smoothly. I finally reached the border. And they had to take me into immigration. That did not go so well. They asked me so many questions even though I followed to what my guru instructed me to say to them. But they went into deeper details about my stay in Canada. So they could not let me through due to financial reasons and also proof of address. They had to send me back to the United States. It was another long bus ride all the way back to West Virginia. The bus went okay up until I got to Pittsburgh. They said my bus wouldn't leave Pittsburgh for Wheeling until 7am the next morning after I got to Pittsburgh at 5pm. So I had called Mother Siki and she had found someone to pick me up in Pittsburgh. ChandraShankar picked me up. While I waited for him to come I chatted on the phone with Mother Sudevi and also Mandakini.  I got back to the temple safely around 10pm last night. I still feel a bit exhausted from yesterday but I'll be fine.

So even though I was rejected by Canada, apparently Sri Sri Radha Vrndavan Chandra didn't want me to leave again so soon. Some devotees welcomed me back. Bhaktin Shannon said she'd work along with me with service. I did get some of my old services back like cleaning the pujari room and deity plate transfer I might help out with the dishes too but I think they already have someone else doing that. Later today Bhaktin Shannon and I will go out to pick flowers for the Deities garlands and she said i might help her with making some garlands again.

Tomorrow I have to talk to Jaya Krishna about what will happen to me in the future. I told him I am not going anywhere any time soon as I have no choice at the moment but to stay here in New Vrndavan. Madhavendra Puri said he's still try to help me get back to Canada again by having a letter stating I am a religious worker and that they will take care of me there during the months I stay.  But we will see what Krishna arranges and wants me to do. I hope I can get a hold of Maharaj too but he pretty much already knows what's going on.

Last Full Day in New Vrndavan

Well today was my last full day in New Vrndavan. I spent most of the day cleaning out my room. I had gotten rid of most of what I had originally although I do have to leave a couple bags behind until I come back for them for the Festival of Inspiration but I only have about three or four small bags that have some clothes in them. I had left them in Mother Sudevi's apartment so as not to have it stolen while Im away. I have yet to stop over Mother Sudevi's apartment to leave her a little gift and a couple more small things.

I kept thinking of Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha the whole time I was here in New Vrndavan. It was because the days were getting close for me to return to Them.  I know Radha Vrndavan Chandra were right in front of me though. I spent some quiet time with Radha Vrndavan Chandra quietly saying good bye to Them promising to always remember Them, especially Lord Nrsimahadeva. That is where I feel torn in two. I am so attracted to Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha but at the same time so attracted to Lord Nrsimahadeva in New Vrndavan. But I know I can always visit Him and plus I have some nice pictures of Him as well that I am taking with me.

I also managed to get a very nice garland for my guru Maharaj. I got him a Lord Jaganatha garland. :) And I also got another small garland for whoever is picking me up at the bus station Saturday morning. :)

11:30am tomorrow I plan on taking a final darshan of the Deities before I leave at noon. I will probably spend the last 15 minutes in front of Lord Nrsimahadeva. I will miss Him very dearly. This morning though during the program, I could have sworn Gopalnathaji was looking at me. I guess it was more verification, and then Lord Nityananda had a bluish tint to Him as well. They must have given me Their blessing with going to Toronto. I do however look forward to seeing the Deities again for the festival. And I will miss some of the devotees here like Mother Siki, Mother Dhara, Govinda Mohini, Mandakini, Vyapi, and ChandraShankar Prabhu and a few others. They were the few devotees that I could talk to at least in New Vrndavan. But I know the devotees in Toronto wish to have me back as soon as possible including my guru Maharaj whom I am aching to see and talk to soon. I know my spiritual batteries will be recharged when I see Maharaj and the devotees there! Haribol!

First full day back in New Vrndavan.

It does feel good to be back in New Vrndavan after not being there for three months. I did see some slight change in it. I saw some new devotees I never saw before and I met the new temple president Jaya Krishna. He's really nice. And familiar faces there also were happy to see me. They all asked me what my initiated name was and some asked me who my guru Maharaj was.

Mandakini was mostly with me most of the time. We always goof around when we see each other. She too is aspiring for Bhaktimarga Swami. Im trying to encourage her to practice her sadana so that she can please Maharaj and become his disciple. That way we could be Godsisters. She wants to spend a lot of time with me before I head back to Toronto this Friday. I cannot wait to go back to Toronto to see the devotees there and especially Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha and Maharaj. I hope I can talk with Maharaj for a bit on how things went in California and New Vrndavan for my short stay.

But I did have a problem when I came back to New Vrndavan. When I got to my room I found that it was unlocked. Someone had gone into my room and totally destroyed it. My clothes were everywhere my TV was thrown on my bed, and one of my desk drawers were pulled out and left on the floor. And even worse yet, my murti of Lord Nrsimahadeva was STOLEN. I have no clue who did it, but I was VERY VERY upset. But Mandakini heard from her mother that her mother may have seen Lord Nrsimahadeva in Krishna's Attic. I hope that is the case because if He's there I am taking Him back. I have the box and I think I have the paper from when Mother Sudevi bought Him as proof that He belongs to me. If I do get my Lord Nrsimahadeva back I am NEVER letting Him out of my sight again!

But other than that things are going well so far here in New Vrndavan. I noticed that the morning kirtans are more estatic and the Aartis are very nice. I plan on going to the 8:30pm Aarti. I try to make it to all the Aartis as I can. Maharaj once said that going to Aartis and seeing the Deity destroys one's material desires and also destroys wanting to satisfy sense gratification. I've noticed that change in me lately that since going to Aartis, I don't have many material desires all I have now basically is transcendental desires like wanting to directly serve my Guru Maharaj and devotees in Toronto and not wanting to ever leave that temple in Toronto ever again. I got so attached to it that I nearly cried a few times being away from it. I love the temple in Toronto. It's like a safe haven for me. Where maya cannot attack. Maya can still attack but not as badly in the temple because Krishna is personally present. All those transcendental desires I had such as wanting to hear Maharaj give class in mayapur, helping Maharaj after his surgery, and going to temples  in California were all fullfilled by Krishna Himself. So that is proof right there that Krishna does exist. He is God, the Supreme.

I got an email today also from Maharaj. He simply told me to keep my sadana strong and to keep happy. He also asked me when I was coming back. I am very happy he wishes me to return to Toronto. He also thanked me for the messages as well. I think he was pleased that I kept in touch with him. That's all I really care to do now is to please my guru Maharaj. Because if he is pleased, that means Srila Prabhupada is pleased, and then Krishna (God Himself) is also pleased so I am very very careful about that.

So we will see how the next three days go here in New Vrndavan. I will be sure to spend as much time with the Deities here as possible. Which is why I've been going to the Aartis lately.
Three days to go till Toronto!!!!!!