Mangal Aarti/Not going back to my old life ever again

This morning I woke up to chant my rounds and watch mangal aarti on the live webcam. How I miss going to mangal aarti physically in the temple. It really does help to boost your spiritually energy by attending mangal aarti at 4:30am. Most people believe that getting up early is poison or hurting the body but it's not. If one goes to bed early and sleeps 6 hours that is more than enough. Meditating on Krishna( who is God) in the morning is like one's morning coffee. To help one get the day started. So I can see why caffeine is not needed lol. I woke up at 3am this morning, before anyone else at my aunt's house.

The only thing I miss is my service at the temple. It is NOT slave work. Working in a fast food restaurant like I used to WAS slave work and underpay,calling me all hours of the night to come in to work and taking advantage of me, and wasnt making enough to support myself. Some people want me to go back to the life I used to live but do they really want me to go back to living beyond my means? I didn't make enough money to support myself? All I know is restaurant work and I don't want to go back to work out there and having to worry about bills. My mother will not take me back in nor will my other family members.I am on my own. I am 27 years old and can make my own decisions I took shelter of Krishna(God) He is taking care of me.  I refuse to go back to my old life. Krishna got me out of living locked up in a house for 15 years not being able to see friends or family and living in a house that was surrounded by boxes and sleeping on an old mattress with boxes around my head that could have fallen on me, and that house was filthy at that. And people want me to go home to that life again? No way. I have more freedom now living in a temple to where I am free to travel and see the world where as if I went back home I cannot due to financial reasons. I can live a normal life even in the temple. Other people who cannot see this I am sorry for them. I am living a wonderful life as a Hare Krishna devotee.

Attending mangal aarti at 4:30am keeps me thinking postive and thankful for what Krishna has done for me and now I have to repay Him back by doing these services with love and devotion and I love serving Krishna. I can work at my own pace for Him.

San Diego Temple

Well I managed to go to the other temple near by in San Diego. This time I made it to the 12 noon Aarti. It was wonderful to see Srila Prabhupada and the Deities. It made me to forget about all the bad things happening outside the temple. I felt completely at peace once again. That IS where I belong is in a temple with peace and quiet and not being tempted to fall back into my old ways again which were very stressful. Living the life of a devotee makes one peaceful. Now that I look back Im glad I gave up all of what I used to do for a simple life and Im enjoying it. Its like early retirement for me lol. You got the freedom to travel and visit places as long as you want, you don't have to worry about bills hanging over your head. All you have to do is serve Krishna's devotees and Krishna Himself And Krishna will take care of us in return for the services we give Him with love and devotion. I feel most comfortable at the temple in Toronto with the devotees there and I can't wait to return back. I believe that is where I am happiest.

Anyways the day at the San Diego temple was very peaceful and quiet. I met a few devotees there and they invited me to have lunch with them. It felt so good to have prasadam from the temple again. I relished it. And once again Krishna knew I was coming because this time there was sweet rice!!!!! Krishna knows I love sweet rice LOL. Thank you my dear Lord Krishna for letting me have some of that! All glories to You! Sweet rice is my favorite type of dessert at the temples. I could have three or four helpings of it and Im bouncing off the walls ha ha! Its better than what most people do now days like drink and smoke...I can get hyper by just eating sweet rice which is pure and of course has only rice, cardomom powder, milk, and sugar, NO intoxicants like alcohol and all that other garabage people do now a days.

And outside where we were eating I got to see sweet Tulasi. She was in Her greenhouse. And She looked so big and pretty. Her leaves were so green and full as well. Made me happy to see Her. Tulasi is a very special Holy plant.

This thursday I am going back to the LA temple again. I will post more later.

My Visit to the Los Angeles Temple

I cannot tell you how very happy I was to be in the temple yesterday with devotees like myself. I felt like I could breath again because i  am around people who share the same interest with me about God and spirituality. At least in a temple devotees there love Krishna. And as soon as I stepped into the temple I sure did feel Lord Krishna's protection. Lord Krishna I know would not let anything happen to me. He's already shown me that He protected me on the way here to California when I was stranded at the airport but He got me through it. And if something did happen, He would be showing His mercy to me by helping me to rely on Him more.

I had gone upstairs to the gift shop first while I waited for the next Aarti service. I got a nice 10 inch murti figurine of Krishna and two books about Lord Nrsimahadeva. Then I went downstairs and had lunch. Krishna must have known I was coming...there was pasta for lunch lol! I sat in the Govinda's restaurant and there was another soooo very cute murti figurine of Krishna next to the table I was sitting at. It was the same place I sat at last year when I was there. I  just wanted to sit next to Krishna lol. Here is a picture of Him. It felt like I was sittign there having lunch with Krishna just like the cowherd boys used to do that.

After awhile I sat and studied the Bhagavad Gita for an hour looking for some comforting verses about being away from the temple and devotees. Im still going over Ch. 6 Text 30. That one seems to be the most comforting, so Im doing my best to try to see Krisnha everywhere since He is God and can see everything we do. I also wrote in my notebook as welll for my blog to post here to pass the time.

Then finally i headed into the temple. I chanted some japa  rounds and for a few minutes sat quietly enjoying the peace and quiet and the wonderful smells of incense in the temple. When 4:30pm came around, I anxiously went up to the altar doors. I was anxious to see Krishna's beautiful Lotus Feet and His beautiful Lotus Eyes. His Lotus Eyes do show a l ot of love to anyone who comes into the temple to see Him. It's very nice to see God in this way as a Deity since we cannot physically see Him with our materially covered eyesight. But Krishna is mericful and allows us to see Him in this form. He can appear in any form He wishes.

When the doors opened I found that the Deities were wearing a very pretty green outfit. Lord Jagganatha was looking cute as He always does. Lord Chaitanya and Lord Nityananda was looking very nice as well, and Radha and Krishna well, They just took my breath away. I stood there for a good 15 minutes taking Darshan of Them. Radharani looked so pretty with a gold trim around Her vail and she had a flower basket in her hand. I love it when She holds a flower basket in Her hand. And Krishna well, He always looks beautiful no matter what outfit He's wearing. :) Here are some more pics to show you:

Lord Chaitanya and Lord Nityananda

Lord Jaggantha below here in this pic

And Radha and Krishna the Divine Couple

Also after the Aarti I was talking to a nice mataji there. Her name is Karuna. I wasn't sure if she was an initiated Prabhupada disciple or not. But she was very kind to me. She asked me what my name was, where I was from, and who my guru Maharaj was. I also told her I felt homesick being away from the temple and she said for me it's definately a sign of a devotee. I love being in the temple and I'd hate to leave it. I don't think I'll shall be leaving the temple any time soon after I get back. I'll be going back to the temple where I live but I have to get back to the Toronto temple as soon as possible as I am much happier there. I miss going to Mangal Aarti in the temple in the morning.Anyways Karuna Mataji had given me some Maha prasadam(food that was offered to God Himself) which was fruit and some sweets to take home I thought that was very kind of her. I hope I can see her again if I go back to the LA temple again.

Lack of Devotee Association This Week

Since I've arrived in California I've had lack of devotee association. I try my best to keep in touch with devotees through email and phone as much as possible. It is difficult being outside the temple where you feel different from everyone else and have to remain silent about beliefs. I guess Krishna put me through this austerity to force me to think of Him more and so far it's working. I've been trying for days to get to a temple, hopefully that will happen tomorrow by visiting the LA temple to fullfill my guru Maharaj's request.
I had talked to my guru over the phone the other day and he said the feeling of separation was good and that it also feels like a fish out of water. That's what I had felt like for the past week in a half. Like it was hard to breathe without being around devotees and seeing Krishna in the temple. But again Krishna is forcing me to think of Him more and to rely on Him.

Sometimes I have to learn things the hard way. But now I've been learning who I can talk to and who I can't and it seems only through devotees I can truly relate to. It's all a learning experience. We all commit offenses which is why we are here...to learn from our mistakes and try again. Believe me I've probably commited a lot of offenses but still Krishna is kind and has helped me to learn from them. That is why there are devotees who are more advanced to help other devotees to avoid commiting offenses, and to also to learn how to help others do the same. Devotees are taught to be as humble as possible. But there are many people who misunderstand devotees and take it the wrong way. But we have to take it as humility and a lesson to be learned for those who misunderstand devotees. I try not to preach to others because too many people would misunderstand me and take it the wrong way. I let someone who is in more knowledge and higher authority to preach since I am in no position to do that. Because since I have done that the less offenses I have committed.

So devotee association is very important because it teaches one to be humble, and live a simple and pure life.

Struggling

Lately I've been struggling outside the temple. I feel like I am out of routine pretty much. I talked to Maharaj on the phone yesterday which helped me to feel better. I am trying to stay focused on my sadhana and chanting as much as possible. I've been doing a lot of reading lately in my Krishna book to help me feel closer to Krishna. Because Krishna says that when one hears about His pasttimes or reads about Him His devotees always live with Him. So I am trying to keep that in my heart and mind. I went out for my hour walk today and kept saying that in my head to myself over and over. Krishna's devotees are NEVER lost to Him and Krishna is NEVER lost to His devotees. I believe there is a verse in the Bhagavad Gita Ch. 6 Text 30 Krishna says For one who sees Me everywhere and sees everything in Me, I am never lost, nor is he lost to Me." I also try to remember that last prayer that Lord Chaitanya wrote:

I know no one but Krishna as my Lord
And He shall remain so even if He handles me roughly by His embrace
Or makes me broken hearted by not being present before me.
He is completely free to do anything and everything,
For He is always my worshipable Lord unconditionally.

I guess Krishna is putting me through this austerity for a reason. One gets the urge to want to talk about Krishna but you can't because people around you do not understand and will misjudge it without even knowing what it really is. It is so difficult to keep silent about it. Sometimes I get too upset too easily for my own good. I've been very quiet for the last few days and trying not to say anything about it.

Just in Time

This morning my guru Maharaj Bhaktimarga Swami had sent me a reply to my email I sent to him last week.I had told him I was feeling severe separation from the temple and devotees in Toronto. He said that the separation I was feeling is real. He told me to keep reading and writing which is what I am doing now and why I am trying to keep up with my blog posts as well. He also said not to impose on others and to keep my sadhana strong. Then he said to help with some cleaning which I will do for my grandmother either tonight or tomorrow. Maharaj says I am good with cleaning. Lastly, he said he wanted me to call him a day after he gets back from India. I am a little nervous about that one. I hope what he has to say is good news. I am very careful about keeping my guru pleased.

I had spent two quiet days with my grandmother at home. It had rained for the past two days and I couldn't really go out anywhere. So I had to stay inside for two days and the one day my back was hurting me pretty bad.

So today I was able to go out for a walk. I took my grandmother's dog Maggie with me because she loves walks. It was still raining this morning, but it stopped around 1pm and I was able to squeeze in my walk. But by the time my walk was almost over it started to rain again. I made it home just in time. After I made lunch after my walk it was really pouring rain outside. So Krishna got me in the house right on time before it started to pour rain. On the way home from the walk I kept saying "Oh Krishna" as it was started to rain harder, but Krishna was kind enough to hold off the heavy rain until I got in. It's another proof that Krishna protects His devotees from any type of distress or calamity if one remembers Him with love, even if His devotee is in distress and the devotee remembers Him, He will help them. So Krishna helped me by getting me in the house just in time before the heavy rains. It made me think of Govardana Hill just now as I am typing this. :) Krishna protected His devotees from Indra from the heavy rains by lifting Govardana Hill. So in a way Krishna did the same for me by letting me take shelter in Him from the rain.

Lord Chaitanya's Appearance Day/Lord Jagganatha So Merciful

Today was Lord Chaitanya's Appearance Day. I chanted my rounds and fasted the whole day although i did have to have a little water though to hold me off. I read some of my book about Lord Chaitanya as well. I wish I could have gone to a temple today but I guess I wasn't meant to go. So I just watched the bathing ceremony on mayapur.tv to make up for it. The way Mayapur dressed their Deities was so beautiful. I loved the background they had too with a moon with stars that light up from the lights they had on the background to make it look like a night sky. Lord Chaitanya looked so beautiful with so many flowers decorated around Him.Los Angeles's Deities where wearing mostly red and Radha and Krishna had a blue trim around their outfits which was also pretty. I forgot what color London's Deities were wearing for Gaura Purnim and I didnt' get a chance to see Radha Vrndavan Chandra though. But today was a peaceful day and I felt somewhat purified after fasting, chanting, and reading. Today the sky looked threatening with rain so I didn't go out for a walk but the late afternoon around 5pm was sunny. So hopefully tomorrow I'll go out on my walk. I hope my guru Maharaj also had a very happy Gaura Purnim out in Ahmedabad India. All glories to Lord Chaitanya on this most auspicious day.

Skiing yesterday was okay. I have to admit I wasn't too crazy for the idea but before I went skiing I was sitting in the locker room waiting for my dad to come back. As I sat there just thinking about Krishna and wanting to be back in the temple, I suddenly stared at a familiar sticker on someone's locker. I had to blink twice to make sure I wasn't dreaming. But yep I wasn't dreaming. There was a sticker of Lord Jagganatha on  somebody's locker! I don't know who's locker it was but it brought a big smile to my face. I think it was verification from Lord Jagganatha that He was with me the whole time there. He was so merciful to me. So it also made me feel a bit better about skiing too. Even while skiing I was thinking of Krishna and also that sticker of Lord Jaggantha on the locker. At least I didn't feel too out of place. Lord Jagganatha knew how I was feeling separation from the temple and devotees and He let me see Him simply by seeing His smiling face on a sticker in the locker room. :)  All glories to Lord Jagganatha!