Since I've arrived in California I've had lack of devotee association. I try my best to keep in touch with devotees through email and phone as much as possible. It is difficult being outside the temple where you feel different from everyone else and have to remain silent about beliefs. I guess Krishna put me through this austerity to force me to think of Him more and so far it's working. I've been trying for days to get to a temple, hopefully that will happen tomorrow by visiting the LA temple to fullfill my guru Maharaj's request.
I had talked to my guru over the phone the other day and he said the feeling of separation was good and that it also feels like a fish out of water. That's what I had felt like for the past week in a half. Like it was hard to breathe without being around devotees and seeing Krishna in the temple. But again Krishna is forcing me to think of Him more and to rely on Him.
Sometimes I have to learn things the hard way. But now I've been learning who I can talk to and who I can't and it seems only through devotees I can truly relate to. It's all a learning experience. We all commit offenses which is why we are here...to learn from our mistakes and try again. Believe me I've probably commited a lot of offenses but still Krishna is kind and has helped me to learn from them. That is why there are devotees who are more advanced to help other devotees to avoid commiting offenses, and to also to learn how to help others do the same. Devotees are taught to be as humble as possible. But there are many people who misunderstand devotees and take it the wrong way. But we have to take it as humility and a lesson to be learned for those who misunderstand devotees. I try not to preach to others because too many people would misunderstand me and take it the wrong way. I let someone who is in more knowledge and higher authority to preach since I am in no position to do that. Because since I have done that the less offenses I have committed.
So devotee association is very important because it teaches one to be humble, and live a simple and pure life.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Struggling
Lately I've been struggling outside the temple. I feel like I am out of routine pretty much. I talked to Maharaj on the phone yesterday which helped me to feel better. I am trying to stay focused on my sadhana and chanting as much as possible. I've been doing a lot of reading lately in my Krishna book to help me feel closer to Krishna. Because Krishna says that when one hears about His pasttimes or reads about Him His devotees always live with Him. So I am trying to keep that in my heart and mind. I went out for my hour walk today and kept saying that in my head to myself over and over. Krishna's devotees are NEVER lost to Him and Krishna is NEVER lost to His devotees. I believe there is a verse in the Bhagavad Gita Ch. 6 Text 30 Krishna says For one who sees Me everywhere and sees everything in Me, I am never lost, nor is he lost to Me." I also try to remember that last prayer that Lord Chaitanya wrote:
I know no one but Krishna as my Lord
And He shall remain so even if He handles me roughly by His embrace
Or makes me broken hearted by not being present before me.
He is completely free to do anything and everything,
For He is always my worshipable Lord unconditionally.
I guess Krishna is putting me through this austerity for a reason. One gets the urge to want to talk about Krishna but you can't because people around you do not understand and will misjudge it without even knowing what it really is. It is so difficult to keep silent about it. Sometimes I get too upset too easily for my own good. I've been very quiet for the last few days and trying not to say anything about it.
I know no one but Krishna as my Lord
And He shall remain so even if He handles me roughly by His embrace
Or makes me broken hearted by not being present before me.
He is completely free to do anything and everything,
For He is always my worshipable Lord unconditionally.
I guess Krishna is putting me through this austerity for a reason. One gets the urge to want to talk about Krishna but you can't because people around you do not understand and will misjudge it without even knowing what it really is. It is so difficult to keep silent about it. Sometimes I get too upset too easily for my own good. I've been very quiet for the last few days and trying not to say anything about it.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Just in Time
This morning my guru Maharaj Bhaktimarga Swami had sent me a reply to my email I sent to him last week.I had told him I was feeling severe separation from the temple and devotees in Toronto. He said that the separation I was feeling is real. He told me to keep reading and writing which is what I am doing now and why I am trying to keep up with my blog posts as well. He also said not to impose on others and to keep my sadhana strong. Then he said to help with some cleaning which I will do for my grandmother either tonight or tomorrow. Maharaj says I am good with cleaning. Lastly, he said he wanted me to call him a day after he gets back from India. I am a little nervous about that one. I hope what he has to say is good news. I am very careful about keeping my guru pleased.
I had spent two quiet days with my grandmother at home. It had rained for the past two days and I couldn't really go out anywhere. So I had to stay inside for two days and the one day my back was hurting me pretty bad.
So today I was able to go out for a walk. I took my grandmother's dog Maggie with me because she loves walks. It was still raining this morning, but it stopped around 1pm and I was able to squeeze in my walk. But by the time my walk was almost over it started to rain again. I made it home just in time. After I made lunch after my walk it was really pouring rain outside. So Krishna got me in the house right on time before it started to pour rain. On the way home from the walk I kept saying "Oh Krishna" as it was started to rain harder, but Krishna was kind enough to hold off the heavy rain until I got in. It's another proof that Krishna protects His devotees from any type of distress or calamity if one remembers Him with love, even if His devotee is in distress and the devotee remembers Him, He will help them. So Krishna helped me by getting me in the house just in time before the heavy rains. It made me think of Govardana Hill just now as I am typing this. :) Krishna protected His devotees from Indra from the heavy rains by lifting Govardana Hill. So in a way Krishna did the same for me by letting me take shelter in Him from the rain.
I had spent two quiet days with my grandmother at home. It had rained for the past two days and I couldn't really go out anywhere. So I had to stay inside for two days and the one day my back was hurting me pretty bad.
So today I was able to go out for a walk. I took my grandmother's dog Maggie with me because she loves walks. It was still raining this morning, but it stopped around 1pm and I was able to squeeze in my walk. But by the time my walk was almost over it started to rain again. I made it home just in time. After I made lunch after my walk it was really pouring rain outside. So Krishna got me in the house right on time before it started to pour rain. On the way home from the walk I kept saying "Oh Krishna" as it was started to rain harder, but Krishna was kind enough to hold off the heavy rain until I got in. It's another proof that Krishna protects His devotees from any type of distress or calamity if one remembers Him with love, even if His devotee is in distress and the devotee remembers Him, He will help them. So Krishna helped me by getting me in the house just in time before the heavy rains. It made me think of Govardana Hill just now as I am typing this. :) Krishna protected His devotees from Indra from the heavy rains by lifting Govardana Hill. So in a way Krishna did the same for me by letting me take shelter in Him from the rain.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Lord Chaitanya's Appearance Day/Lord Jagganatha So Merciful
Today was Lord Chaitanya's Appearance Day. I chanted my rounds and fasted the whole day although i did have to have a little water though to hold me off. I read some of my book about Lord Chaitanya as well. I wish I could have gone to a temple today but I guess I wasn't meant to go. So I just watched the bathing ceremony on mayapur.tv to make up for it. The way Mayapur dressed their Deities was so beautiful. I loved the background they had too with a moon with stars that light up from the lights they had on the background to make it look like a night sky. Lord Chaitanya looked so beautiful with so many flowers decorated around Him.Los Angeles's Deities where wearing mostly red and Radha and Krishna had a blue trim around their outfits which was also pretty. I forgot what color London's Deities were wearing for Gaura Purnim and I didnt' get a chance to see Radha Vrndavan Chandra though. But today was a peaceful day and I felt somewhat purified after fasting, chanting, and reading. Today the sky looked threatening with rain so I didn't go out for a walk but the late afternoon around 5pm was sunny. So hopefully tomorrow I'll go out on my walk. I hope my guru Maharaj also had a very happy Gaura Purnim out in Ahmedabad India. All glories to Lord Chaitanya on this most auspicious day.
Skiing yesterday was okay. I have to admit I wasn't too crazy for the idea but before I went skiing I was sitting in the locker room waiting for my dad to come back. As I sat there just thinking about Krishna and wanting to be back in the temple, I suddenly stared at a familiar sticker on someone's locker. I had to blink twice to make sure I wasn't dreaming. But yep I wasn't dreaming. There was a sticker of Lord Jagganatha on somebody's locker! I don't know who's locker it was but it brought a big smile to my face. I think it was verification from Lord Jagganatha that He was with me the whole time there. He was so merciful to me. So it also made me feel a bit better about skiing too. Even while skiing I was thinking of Krishna and also that sticker of Lord Jaggantha on the locker. At least I didn't feel too out of place. Lord Jagganatha knew how I was feeling separation from the temple and devotees and He let me see Him simply by seeing His smiling face on a sticker in the locker room. :) All glories to Lord Jagganatha!
Skiing yesterday was okay. I have to admit I wasn't too crazy for the idea but before I went skiing I was sitting in the locker room waiting for my dad to come back. As I sat there just thinking about Krishna and wanting to be back in the temple, I suddenly stared at a familiar sticker on someone's locker. I had to blink twice to make sure I wasn't dreaming. But yep I wasn't dreaming. There was a sticker of Lord Jagganatha on somebody's locker! I don't know who's locker it was but it brought a big smile to my face. I think it was verification from Lord Jagganatha that He was with me the whole time there. He was so merciful to me. So it also made me feel a bit better about skiing too. Even while skiing I was thinking of Krishna and also that sticker of Lord Jaggantha on the locker. At least I didn't feel too out of place. Lord Jagganatha knew how I was feeling separation from the temple and devotees and He let me see Him simply by seeing His smiling face on a sticker in the locker room. :) All glories to Lord Jagganatha!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Trekking The Mountains(Dedicated To Srila Prabhupada And Maharaj)
This blog post is dedicated to Srila Prabhupada and my guru Maharaj Bhaktimarga Swami
Well, here I am walking around up in Big Bear Mountains. My dad had to work this weekend. So on my fourth day up here we went on this trail that is a 1 1/2 mile trail which was good and lasted an hour. I had trouble in the beginning because it hurts my leg and back walking up the hills but after a while the rest of it was pretty flat and downhill which made it easier for me to walk.
Along the way we learned about some of the plants and trees that were along the trail. There was something interesting about one of the trees. There was one tree there that was pretty old, but in the little trail booklet we got it said that the tree smelled like vanilla and it did! Then there was another plant that Indians used to chew and it smells like mint almost like the chewing gum Spirment Gum. I smelled it but didn't taste it. So I found that trail interesting. And there was also a 4 hundred year old tree that was cut down but the tree itself is still there laying on the ground along with it's tree stump. There was another tree that had thousands of holes in it by some kind of woodpeckers that store acorns for the winter. And also rocks too where snakes and lizards reside. There was also a willow plant that we learned about. The willow plant actually has asprin in it... well scientists can make asprin from this plant.
After that trek, I felt Maharaj would have truly loved that trail especially since it's out in the wild. I know he'd have been pleased with the walk I did today which made me feel a bit happier. I finished my japa too while on the walk as well I hope Srila Prabhupada was pleased as well. I have some pictures that my dad took with his camera from the trail. We'll have more pictures of trails in the next two days I think. Tomorrow though we are going skiing...not sure if Maharaj would approve of skiing though so I'm a bit hesitant with it. I hate doing things without maharaj's approval. Like tonight my dad and I went to this St. Patrick's Day party at his work in the ski lodge. I wasn't thrilled about being there because everyone was smoking and drinking...and the food only had meat in it. I just don't care for parties anymore like the one we went to tonight. So when we got back to our room at a place called "The Hostel" which is like small clean motel, I made a vegetarian dinner and offered it to Lord Chaitanya. But while I was at that party though I was talking to Krishna within my heart and mind...tellin Him I want to go to a temple to see Him. that would help me feel better.
Anyways here are some pictures from the trail! Enjoy! When I see Maharaj I think I will show him the pictures when he has the time. I know he'd like them.
Well, here I am walking around up in Big Bear Mountains. My dad had to work this weekend. So on my fourth day up here we went on this trail that is a 1 1/2 mile trail which was good and lasted an hour. I had trouble in the beginning because it hurts my leg and back walking up the hills but after a while the rest of it was pretty flat and downhill which made it easier for me to walk.
Along the way we learned about some of the plants and trees that were along the trail. There was something interesting about one of the trees. There was one tree there that was pretty old, but in the little trail booklet we got it said that the tree smelled like vanilla and it did! Then there was another plant that Indians used to chew and it smells like mint almost like the chewing gum Spirment Gum. I smelled it but didn't taste it. So I found that trail interesting. And there was also a 4 hundred year old tree that was cut down but the tree itself is still there laying on the ground along with it's tree stump. There was another tree that had thousands of holes in it by some kind of woodpeckers that store acorns for the winter. And also rocks too where snakes and lizards reside. There was also a willow plant that we learned about. The willow plant actually has asprin in it... well scientists can make asprin from this plant.
After that trek, I felt Maharaj would have truly loved that trail especially since it's out in the wild. I know he'd have been pleased with the walk I did today which made me feel a bit happier. I finished my japa too while on the walk as well I hope Srila Prabhupada was pleased as well. I have some pictures that my dad took with his camera from the trail. We'll have more pictures of trails in the next two days I think. Tomorrow though we are going skiing...not sure if Maharaj would approve of skiing though so I'm a bit hesitant with it. I hate doing things without maharaj's approval. Like tonight my dad and I went to this St. Patrick's Day party at his work in the ski lodge. I wasn't thrilled about being there because everyone was smoking and drinking...and the food only had meat in it. I just don't care for parties anymore like the one we went to tonight. So when we got back to our room at a place called "The Hostel" which is like small clean motel, I made a vegetarian dinner and offered it to Lord Chaitanya. But while I was at that party though I was talking to Krishna within my heart and mind...tellin Him I want to go to a temple to see Him. that would help me feel better.
Anyways here are some pictures from the trail! Enjoy! When I see Maharaj I think I will show him the pictures when he has the time. I know he'd like them.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Double Blessings In Disguise
Well I've been travelling for two days and I am now here at my grandmother's house in California.
I had to travel by bus first to get to Pittsburgh for my flight. My travelling around this time turned out to be a bit stressful.
The beginning of my journey was going by smoothly. Deva Datta my godbrother took me to the bus station the other morning. So my bus arrived to Erie PA with no problem. But then I learned I could not take the bus out to Pittsburgh from there and that is where all the trouble started. I had to sit there for five long hours to take the bus to Cleveland. That was one blessing though going back to my hometown Cleveland for a few hours. But I was growing tired as I was waiting. I tried chanting some extra rounds and read from my krishna book to help me stay awake and remember Krishna. I knew Krishna would help me get through this. So when the bus to Cleveland arrived to pick me up I discovered the bus had wireless internet on it. So I plugged in my computer and logged into mayapur.tv to watch mayapur's webcam. And much to my surprise, I learned that Maharaj was giving the Srimad Bhagavatam class. Oh how my heart just ACHED to hear Maharaj give class again! I almost started to cry. Krishna knew I wanted to hear Maharaj give class on the webcam so much and He fullfilled my desire yet again! Krishna has been so merciful to me. My trip would have been unbearable had I not gotten to see Maharaj give that class.It brought me peace of mind. So that was the double blessing from Krishna going to Cleveland for a bit and then seeing Maharaj on the webcam.
But later on, I went through some severe austerities. I did not sleep at all for a day and a half. The bus made me miss my flight and as a result I had so much trouble at the airport with finding a new flight, getting my bag checked in, and then at the security check point, and getting on the plane, they could not understand my ticket. So I had to sit there all day at the airport till 2:45pm. After that things went smoothly except at the end where my bag wasn't at the airport. So they told me today that my bag will be here around 1pm.
But over all Krishna still got me through this mess. I hope and pray things will go well for when I go back to New Vrndavan, and Toronto as well.
I had to travel by bus first to get to Pittsburgh for my flight. My travelling around this time turned out to be a bit stressful.
The beginning of my journey was going by smoothly. Deva Datta my godbrother took me to the bus station the other morning. So my bus arrived to Erie PA with no problem. But then I learned I could not take the bus out to Pittsburgh from there and that is where all the trouble started. I had to sit there for five long hours to take the bus to Cleveland. That was one blessing though going back to my hometown Cleveland for a few hours. But I was growing tired as I was waiting. I tried chanting some extra rounds and read from my krishna book to help me stay awake and remember Krishna. I knew Krishna would help me get through this. So when the bus to Cleveland arrived to pick me up I discovered the bus had wireless internet on it. So I plugged in my computer and logged into mayapur.tv to watch mayapur's webcam. And much to my surprise, I learned that Maharaj was giving the Srimad Bhagavatam class. Oh how my heart just ACHED to hear Maharaj give class again! I almost started to cry. Krishna knew I wanted to hear Maharaj give class on the webcam so much and He fullfilled my desire yet again! Krishna has been so merciful to me. My trip would have been unbearable had I not gotten to see Maharaj give that class.It brought me peace of mind. So that was the double blessing from Krishna going to Cleveland for a bit and then seeing Maharaj on the webcam.
But later on, I went through some severe austerities. I did not sleep at all for a day and a half. The bus made me miss my flight and as a result I had so much trouble at the airport with finding a new flight, getting my bag checked in, and then at the security check point, and getting on the plane, they could not understand my ticket. So I had to sit there all day at the airport till 2:45pm. After that things went smoothly except at the end where my bag wasn't at the airport. So they told me today that my bag will be here around 1pm.
But over all Krishna still got me through this mess. I hope and pray things will go well for when I go back to New Vrndavan, and Toronto as well.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Letter To Srila Prabhupada
I wrote a letter to Srila Prabhupada tonight. I am leaving Toronto Saturday morning and I was expressing my feelings about it to him in the letter. Since Srila Prabhuada is back home back in Godhead with Krishna, I know he can see my letter here on the website. Also Lord Krishna can see and read it here as well.I felt that I had to write to him first since I cannot go directly to Krishna alone about something transcendental. What I am asking Srila Prabhupada is not material but spiritual because I wish to return to Toronto to serve the devotees and my guru. So here is what I wrote to Srila Prabhupada. :) I thought I'd like to share it here too.
Please accept my humble obeisances
All glories to you!
My dear Srila Prabhupada
I am much too fallen of a soul to even write this to you. You are a pure devotee of Lord Krishna, and just thinking that, I feel so contaminated with sins and desires. Please forgive me for any sins I may have comitted. Sometimes I feel so ignorant of spiritual knowledge. But that is why you strongly said for us to approach a bona fide spiritual master and also to associate with devotees to fix our conciousness to be Krishna Conciousness.
I should know better that you are still always here for you are in our hearts, in your books, and also in your murti form in the temples. But yet sometimes I still feel so blind to even see that or understand it. But I have faith that you will show me that you are still here. You have given me little drops of nectar letting me know that. For example, when my guru maharaj, Bhaktimarga Swami left for India, I was feeling severe separation even before he left that day. But then a couple days later, I read in a biography about you that you said to your disciples before you left for India, that your guru is always with them, and that the grandfather always takes care of his spiritual childeren better than the father, so that would make you my grandfather, and I must learn to rely on you for help always even while my guru is physically here in the temple. Thank you for giving me comfort as I was feeling separation from my guru.
I am also concerned about leaving New Remuna Dham. I have to cross the Canadian border to get to the United States for my plane to California. But I stayed longer than Jan. 5th and I hope that the border officers there will still let me pass, and not give me a hard time. I wish to return to New Remuna Dham in April as soon as possible. I am humbly asking you if you can inquire to Lord Krishna into allowing me to return to Toronto wth your blessing and Lord Krishna's blessing. I felt that I could not ask Lord Krishna Himself directly abou this but through you first as only the spiritual master can help one to spiritually advance and receive mercy from Krishna. I love serving the devotees here and my guru, and you, and Lord Krishna here in Toronto. It is where I am happiest. I strongly feel that I can spiritually advance here in New Remuna Dham.
All glories to you!
Your humble servant
~Hari Lila Devi Dasi
Please accept my humble obeisances
All glories to you!
My dear Srila Prabhupada
I am much too fallen of a soul to even write this to you. You are a pure devotee of Lord Krishna, and just thinking that, I feel so contaminated with sins and desires. Please forgive me for any sins I may have comitted. Sometimes I feel so ignorant of spiritual knowledge. But that is why you strongly said for us to approach a bona fide spiritual master and also to associate with devotees to fix our conciousness to be Krishna Conciousness.
I should know better that you are still always here for you are in our hearts, in your books, and also in your murti form in the temples. But yet sometimes I still feel so blind to even see that or understand it. But I have faith that you will show me that you are still here. You have given me little drops of nectar letting me know that. For example, when my guru maharaj, Bhaktimarga Swami left for India, I was feeling severe separation even before he left that day. But then a couple days later, I read in a biography about you that you said to your disciples before you left for India, that your guru is always with them, and that the grandfather always takes care of his spiritual childeren better than the father, so that would make you my grandfather, and I must learn to rely on you for help always even while my guru is physically here in the temple. Thank you for giving me comfort as I was feeling separation from my guru.
I am also concerned about leaving New Remuna Dham. I have to cross the Canadian border to get to the United States for my plane to California. But I stayed longer than Jan. 5th and I hope that the border officers there will still let me pass, and not give me a hard time. I wish to return to New Remuna Dham in April as soon as possible. I am humbly asking you if you can inquire to Lord Krishna into allowing me to return to Toronto wth your blessing and Lord Krishna's blessing. I felt that I could not ask Lord Krishna Himself directly abou this but through you first as only the spiritual master can help one to spiritually advance and receive mercy from Krishna. I love serving the devotees here and my guru, and you, and Lord Krishna here in Toronto. It is where I am happiest. I strongly feel that I can spiritually advance here in New Remuna Dham.
All glories to you!
Your humble servant
~Hari Lila Devi Dasi
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